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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24938332">Broken Like Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/meenza/pseuds/meenza'>meenza</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxious Azumane Asahi, Awkward Kageyama Tobio, BPD, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Friendship, Hinata Shouyou is Sunshine, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Suicide, KageHina Week, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institution, Nurse Daichi, Struggles to Snuggles, anger issues, building support, bulimic oikawa, but he has ptsd, dr. sugawara, happy ending I promise, kageyama is a depressed, my babies will get better, no romanization of suicide, nothing graphic, therapist kiyoko</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:20:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>53,293</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24938332</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/meenza/pseuds/meenza</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He looked so alive, more than anyone else in the room, maybe even in the hospital. He didn’t seem like he belonged in such a sad place, he was too warm, too radiant, like powerful sun rays gently waking you up in the morning. He found himself closely observing the boy’s face, his light brown eyes were filled with kindness, his delicate pale skin was stretched out in a smile so wide he wondered if it was painful to be that happy. </p><p> </p><p>---------------------------------<br/>After a failed suicide attempt, Kageyama is being forced into a residential inpatient program at Karasuno Hospital. To make matters worse, he has to room with an orange haired boy who seems to alternate between wanting to befriend Kageyama and struggling with his own inner demons. The group of struggling teens in his program are dealing with their own issues, but little does Kageyama know they are about to change his life.</p><p>Russian Translation: <a href="https://ficbook.net/readfic/9869504/25397939?fbclid=IwAR2zqlWJuw7_26YDCR4WrK-ZcikO31nTeBF4eHFogDVoXQLVAc7zKTMD9Bg#part_content">Here</a></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>399</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1117</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Numbness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey Guys!<br/>I am new to the fandom and I have really wanted to write a mental health hospital AU.<br/>I struggle with my own mental health, particularly OCD and depression and i promise i will not be glorifying any of it. I just like imagining what it would be like to have some of my favorite characters share my struggles!<br/>Anyway comments are always appreciated to keep me going :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Why did hospital food always taste like garbage?</p><p> Today was Kageyama Tobio's seventh day in the hospital and his forth day fully awake. He had been barely aware of his surroundings the first couple of days with all the drugs they gave him. He didn’t even remember much about the doctors he had met. 

The food was still flavorless mush, with some canned fruit to the side to give the illusion of a balanced meal. </p><p>Then again food hadn’t tasted good long before he ended up here…</p><p>He remembered the days when he would get so excited about the smell of curry wafting from the kitchen. His small legs would take him down the stairs as fast they could in order to savor his favorite meal. He would eat so much at once that he would have a stomach ache the next day.</p><p>Kageyama’s stomach growled in protest of the memory.<br/>
He shook his head to clear it of thoughts of the distant past, he needed to focus on his present circumstance.

This was easier said than done given his current reality, trapped in between painfully blinding white walls.<br/>
Nurses around here would only give him patronizing smiles instead of answers, telling him that someone would come along to talk to him soon. He had been too weak to be moved into the regular inpatient ward, so here he was in his hospital bed.</p><p>He could feel the anger well up scalding in his throat, attempting to burn it’s way up through him to take control. If he had eaten any of his food earlier he probably would have felt like vomiting right not all over these sickly white hospital sheets. But he hadn't been able to stomach anything worthy of throwing up.<br/>
He clenched his fists curling them into the white hospital sheets. He ignored the hiss of pain he felt from his bandaged wrist. The pain only served as a reminder that his own personal failures that lead him here.<br/>
His arms felt numb and cold, sometimes he wasn’t even sure they were still a part of him, they felt like ghostly limbs drifting at his side. 
The pain however, was very very real, it always brought them back.<br/>
To keep himself sane, he had tried to avoid lingering thoughts of the injuries sealed away behind layers of bandages and stitches on either side of his arms. 

But considering it was the reason he was here that was incredibly hard, especially with the nurses constantly fussing over the stitches and cleaning the wounds and re-wrapping them. </p><p>He gently rubbed circles into his thighs leaving thumb sized indentations. He huffed out a breath he had been holding, he had to calm himself down.<br/>
He knew they had him on some sort of sedative or drug because he had been somewhat groggy since he woke up. 

But it wasn’t enough he was still painfully aware of how alive he was.</p><p>Then again no medication was capable of making him feel the will to live, these were just the pain meds he had to take. 

They just made him feel sleepy, not that he was complaining, sleep was his free death trial and he'll take what he can get.</p><p>His medical musings were interrupted by a gentle knock on the door, startling him into propping himself up painfully in his bed.<br/>
Ignoring his lightheadedness, he gave the newcomer a wary lookover.<br/>
Kageyama's  dark blue eyes meet with gentle hazel.<br/>
The man’s face was lit up in a smile that was brighter than the white walls that imprisoned him. Yet somehow, his smile didn’t have the same blinding quality, rather it radiated warmth.<br/>
His light grey hair was neatly combed and parted, matching the aura of professionalism his stride seemed to carry.<br/>
He wore a white jacket with his name neatly embroidered in small blue letters spelling out Dr. Sugawara Koushi. </p><p>Hmmph...so he was finally going to talk to a doctor... it was about time…I guess that's what he gets for ending up here on a weekend. 
He should have planned his suicide for a weekday. Next time, he found himself thinking, pleased with his own dark sense of humor.</p><p>“Hello Kageyama! It’s nice to see you so awake today. I am Dr. Sugawara Koushi, but you can call me Suga if you like,” His smile didn’t falter at Kageyama’s lack of enthusiasm or response.<br/>
He braved on “So I am here to tell you what your next steps are going to be. As you know you are currently in an adolescent inpatient ward, due to your um...medical needs you haven’t been able to interact with other residents or participate in usual programming, which is why you will be going into an inpatient residential program starting tomorrow! We think it will be a good opportunity to build good coping skills surrounded with people your age” </p><p>Kageyama blinked a couple of times, his brain trying to catch up with all the information thrown at him. </p><p>“Residential program…” He croaked suddenly realizing how dry his throat was, his voice didn’t even sound like his own. When was the last time he had spoken with another human being?<br/>
Dr. Sugawara kindly handed him a plastic cup of water that had been sitting on his bedside table.<br/>
The small sips he took were doing little to heal his parched throat, but he finished the cup anyway. </p><p>“I don’t want to go into a residential program...can’t I just go home? I’ve already been here for a whole week.” He said in an attempt at a deadpan voice but his voice cracked in the middle. 

He wanted to cut straight to the chase. He had no energy for pleasantries. </p><p>Dr. Sugawara paused for a minute, as if thinking how best to approach Kageyama’s refusal.<br/>
“Well we can’t release you when you are still considered at risk and I really think this program will be really beneficial for you. It has a really good track record and is actually really hard to get into, you were really lucky that they were willing to squeeze you in.”</p><p>Squeeze him in huh...more like his parents had probably flaunted the fact that they could pay upfront, no insurance needed as long as they didn’t have to look at their son or deal with the aftermath of his decisions for a while longer.<br/>
He hadn’t heard anything from them since the first day when they were required to come as his guardians. 
They had awkwardly shuffled into the room, never meeting his eyes, told him they were glad to see he was awake and that was about it.<br/>
They could barely bare the sight of him, their own son. They clearly did not want to deal with him or his problems anymore.<br/>
Not that he cared, he knew they had given up on him a long time ago and he had shut them out ever since. The less attachments he had the better, the easier it made it to leave it all behind.
Not that he ever had that many people he could build close attachments too. </p><p>“So I am going to be locked up with all the other crazy kids that no one wants to deal with? For how long?” He attempted to sound as vicious as possible, but that was hard to do from his position weakly propped up on his hospital bed. </p><p>Dr. Sugawara’s smile finally faltered for a second at his statement. </p><p>“This program is a step down from inpatient so it won’t be as regulated as your time here and it really tries to build a sense of trust and community. In addition, you will be learning different forms of behavioral therapy that are skills that will help you for the rest of your life. You will be assigned a therapist and a roommate for the length of your month-long stay.”</p><p>Kageyama was starting to feel a deep seated exhaustion that was more than physical. He was tired already from this short conversation. 

He was tired of people shuffling him around. 

He was tired of life. </p><p>He decided that the best form of protest would be to sink into his bed and close his eyes completely shutting Dr. Suga out. 

He couldn't get himself to hate the man who so far seemed to be incredibly kind, despite how rude Kageyama was being.<br/>
He knew he had no choice and it's not like being at home was that much better...although at least he would have privacy and wouldn’t have to deal with bullshit group therapy. </p><p>“I can see that you are feeling tired. I will let you rest for now. I know this hasn’t been easy, but things will get better. They really will. I will see you tomorrow to take you to your new room. Rest well Kageyama.”  Dr. Suga’s voice was quiet and solemn as he made his way out of the room. </p><p>Kageyama didn’t open his eyes until he heard the door click shut. He took a depth breath that only seemed to make his lungs ache for more. </p><p>He stared and stared at the ceiling but it was just as white as the walls trapping him. 

There was one yellow stain in the right corner of the ceiling, that stood out against the stark white background. They he had become well acquainted with one another over the past three days. 
He was starting to think the stain looked like a grotesque bicycle, it's wheels attempting to push forward, to ride it's way across the ceiling, only to discover that it was immobile and nothing more than an insignificant stain on a wall.<br/>
He almost wanted to laugh at how stupid he sounded.

  If he hadn’t been fucked up before he got here, he sure was now.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Anger</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dr.Sugawara waited behind Kageyama patiently, as he entered the room slowly. </p><p>His new room’s walls were a bright yellow, the color made him nauseous. The sickly shade that surrounded him was a failed attempt at raising patient morale and creating cheeriness. 
He tried to not take it as an omen of what his time here would be like. </p><p>He would be willing to put up with white or yellow walls forever, if only he could have his own room. </p><p>He observed the two twin sized beds on opposite sides of the room, one was a mess of sheets intertwined with one another. </p><p>Clearly his new roommate wasn’t the neatest person. His bright clothes were strewn about and there seemed to be a jumble of papers on the small night stand. </p><p>He walked over to the other bed placing his duffel bag of clothes down with a sigh. </p><p>His parents had dropped the bag off earlier this morning, they had claimed that they were happy for him and what they called “his new beginning.” </p><p>He had nodded along because what else was there to do, he wondered who they had hired to clean up his bathroom. Probably someone they could swear into confidentiality, so they wouldn’t have to bear the scandal it would cause if neighbors ever found out. </p><p>This was going to be his new home for a whole month...he wanted to smash his head into the wall or at least groan out loud but Dr.Sugawara was still waiting for him patiently to settle down so that he could be taken to meet his therapist. </p><p>He gave the room a parting glance and walked out. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>You would think that they would try to make an adolescent inpatient program a little more cheerful, but the long white corridor was as bleak and sterile as the rest of the hospital. </p><p>It smelled a bit more homey than the anti septic smell of his hospital room, but maybe that was the smell wafting from the number of sweaty teenage boys occupying the space. </p><p>The only difference seemed to be the levels of security he had to get through to get in here. He had begrudgingly allowed them to search his whole body and bag before being buzzed through this morning. </p><p> </p><p>They passed through a number of open doors lined up across the hallway, he assumed they were the other kids' rooms.<br/>
He forgot that he would be stripped of a lot of his privacy here, the rooms had to remain open during the day, or so he was told by Dr.Sugawara. 

</p>
<p>They reached what seemed to be a living room of sorts, it had a flat screen T.V, some couches and a coffee table. </p><p>A group of three kids were loudly playing Mario Kart on the television, the sounds of the game distracting him. </p><p>He rushed to keep up with Dr. Sugawara’s quick pace not getting a chance to get a closer look at who he would be living with for the next month.<br/>
He didn’t fail to notice the furtively curious glances that the boys sent his way. </p><p>They continued into another hallway that had rooms with little sound blocking machines on the outside. He was familiar with the concept, they needed to block out sound for confidentiality, but really he had concluded it was so nobody could hear the suffering and misery inside. </p><p>Despite his general apathy, he was anxious to meet his new therapist.</p><p> This wasn’t his first time in therapy but he had taken a vow of solemn silence when his parents had forced him into therapy the first time after one of his outbursts at school. </p><p>His therapist had been this old man with greying hair and aura of medical authority. He had all his degrees lined up along the walls of his office, which was ridiculously posh even by Kageyama’s standards.<br/>

He knew that this guy’s time was expensive and in his parents mind that was equated with being the best. He quickly realized that was not the case. This doctor had no experience dealing with teenage boys and was completely unapproachable and unsympathetic. He cared more about slapping down a prescription for Kageyama to shove down his throat than therpay.   </p><p>when his parents realized that he took a vow of silence refusing to speak to the doctor every session, they had eventually conceded and allowed him to stop going.

</p>
<p>He had a feeling that he wouldn’t be able to get away with that here. </p><p>He was taken from his thoughts by Dr.Sugawara’s gentle hand on his shoulder leading him to some softly cushioned wooden chairs sitting in the hallway, “you can wait right here and Dr. Kiyoko will be with you in a couple of minutes. She is a really great therapist and will take good care of you and discuss your schedule for the rest of your time here.” </p><p>With a final reassuring smile Dr.Suga walked away. </p><p> </p><p>Kageyama picked at his fingers as he waited, his nails once so meticulously maintained for volleyball were now raw. </p><p>He had stripped them down to bleeding nubs, his parents didn’t comment on much in his life but they made sure he knew that they were disgusted by his fingers' appearance. </p><p>After there disgusted looks, he got into the habit of hiding his hands at the dinner table and from any other seeing eyes.</p><p>He was startled by a door opening to his left, a woman in her late twenties stepped out. </p><p>She was everything he had not expected from a therapist, the complete antithesis to his previous therapist. </p><p>She was beautiful in a very soft and somewhat shy manner. Her black hair contrasted with her pale skin and light blue eyes shined behind silver glasses that framed her face nicely. </p><p>Her smile was very small and with a gentle wave of her delicate wrist she ushered him into the room behind her. </p><p>The room was very tastefully decorated, with earthy tones of orange, plants dotted the room lit by gentle rays of golden sunlight seeping in through the window.</p><p> Instead of sitting behind the desk in the center of the room, she ushered him towards two grey high backed couch chairs sitting across from each other. </p><p>He gulped, something about this set up seemed too confrontational and intimate for his comfort. </p><p>She stood a little ways behind him, waiting for him to choose a seat.</p><p> He was getting tired of people being overly patient with him, he almost wished they would just snap at him and get it over with. Then maybe he could explode as well and no one would have to pretend that any of this was normal anymore. </p><p>He slowly sat into the chair facing the window, at least he would have a nice view of the trees swaying outside when he avoided questions. </p><p>Dr. Kiyoko sat across from him crossing her legs in tailored navy slacks. Bedore she began speaking, she fixed him with an intelligent gaze that he imagined was doing some sort of sophisticated analysis of his state. </p><p>“So Kageyama, as you might have been told I am going to be your therapist, my name is Dr. Kiyoko and I have been working here for the last five years. I am here to help you in this time of recovery and make a plan as to how to move forward.”</p><p>Five years... she must be older than she looked. </p><p>He wanted to roll his eyes, he wished people would stop talking about “paths to recovery” and “moving forward”, he had nothing to move towards, nothing worthy of recovering for. </p><p>He nodded to acknowledge her introduction. </p><p>She continued: “I have read your file and know your history and the questionnaire you did earlier in your intake. But being in therapy is about getting to know you, building a relationship of trust and confidence between us, I want to get to know you from talking to you. I know you are more than the file in my hand. So why don’t you start off by telling me about yourself and why you think you're here.”</p><p>He gripped the arm rests, anxiety surging through his veins. He had to talk didn’t he? There was no avoiding it, if he ever wanted to get out of here.</p><p>“I have nothing to tell you about myself that you don’t really know...I am 17, I go to high school in Miyagi, I have an older sister and that’s pretty much it.” </p><p>He fixed her with a glare and continued with a scoff attempting to sound nonchalant “and you know why I am here. I am sure you heard that I tried to kill myself”</p><p> </p><p>Her expression didn’t change as she met his glare.<br/>
“Well how about you tell me about school. It says here that you play volleyball?” </p><p>Great. She had to start off with the thing that would rile him up the most, he wondered if she knew and was doing this to draw more emotion out of him. </p><p>“Used to play volleyball.” His frown deepened. “I got kicked off the team.” he said with a growl. </p><p>“Hmmm..” she said as she jotted something down on her notepad. “Why did that happen?”</p><p>She really was messing with him, wasn’t she. </p><p>“Because no one could keep up with me, that’s why.” </p><p>She waited for a second and quirked her eyebrow inquisitively “was that the only reason? </p><p>There were a lot of ways this conversation could go and it was already not going in his favor, but she clearly knew what happened. </p><p>Why did she need him to confess to his crimes, what was this a catholic church? </p><p>“ I had a violent outburst and broke some things, fought some people and yelled at my teammates.” He mumbled, deciding to fix his gaze at the grey carpet instead. </p><p>“Do you feel like you struggle with controlling your emotions, Kageyama?” She asked kindly </p><p>He nodded his head quietly still refusing to meet her gaze. </p><p>“Can you tell me about it? What did you feel like when your outburst happened?”</p><p>He took a deep breath feeling the memories rising from the depth of his mind overwhelming him...he didn’t want to remember. He didn’t want to remember. </p><p>But the more he tried to distract himself the faster the thoughts seemed to seep into his mind leaving him reeling and reliving the past. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Junior year was supposed to be his year on the volleyball court. He was the star setter, he was leagues above everyone else on his team, he knew it and so did they. </p><p>They were jealous of him, but he knew he was a part of the problem too. He just didn’t know how to interact with them. </p><p>He felt things too strongly or not at all. He could feel his teammates constant distrust. His temper would flare and take over him leaving nothing but destroyed relationships and whispered complaints in its wake. </p><p>He knew he didn’t have any friends but he didn’t seem to mind. His head and his heart were all about volleyball. </p><p>He spent his lunch break bouncing a ball off the school courtyard walls and slowly sipping on his milk. </p><p>Any other kid would probably get bullied for being such a loner, but he had a look about him that scared others off. </p><p>His face was always set in a perpetual frown. No glare could rival his own and he liked to think his years of intense training had kept him fit enough to not be worthy of a fight. </p><p>His life consisted of school and volleyball and that was pretty much it. Not that he cared much for school, often doing the bare minimum to get by and sleeping in class. </p><p>But the older he grew the harder it was to put up with his frustrations with the world. </p><p>He trusted nobody. He was always suspicious of everyone’s intentions. He was sent to the guidance counselor multiple times with complaints of his insolent behavior, paranoia and threats to others. </p><p>His parents finally sent him to therapy after he threatened to punch a kid who mistakenly hit him with a ball during practice. He just had a feeling that it hadn’t been a mistake and that everyone was out to get him. </p><p> </p><p>Then everything finally hit the fan when the one support, the one good relationship in his life disappeared along with volleyball. </p><p>When he had finally been abandoned the only person and thing he had left to care about. </p><p>After years of convincing himself that he could trust her; she betrayed him. He had believed that unlike everyone else in his life, she would keep her word and always stick by him no matter how bad things got at home.<br/>
But he should have known that everything good in his life was bound to be stripped away. His life was just the gradual process of his soul being stripped down into something painfully raw. A reeling mess of an unlovable person, who deserved abandonment. </p><p>Shortly after, his life began it’s final descent into a whirlpool of uncontrollable chaos, that ended up with him sitting across from Dr.Kiyoko. </p><p>-----------------------------------------------</p><p> </p><p>Dr. Kiyoko took his lack of answer in stride and calmly placed her clipboard to the side. </p><p>“I know a lot of new things are happening today, so I won’t push too much. But you have to talk about things in order to figure them out. I am not here to judge you, just remember that. I don’t know if anyone else has talked to you about your diagnosis or what it really means but Dr.Sugawara and I believe you have Borderline Personality Disorder.” </p><p>Kageyama’s eyes jumped to meet her’s with something akin to fear in them. Borderline personality? Why did that sound like something straight out of a horror movie where the villain had multiple personalities controlling him or something. </p><p>Dr. Kiyoko seemed to sense his fear. “It is a really heavily misunderstood disorder, that is often misrepresented. They didn’t even consider it as a diagnosis until recently. But it is nothing to be afraid of, it just means you struggle with emotional regulation that can have really adverse effects on your relationships. It makes it hard to trust people, to maintain a healthy balance of emotions and to see yourself in a positive light. It can come with explosive anger, which is something you seemed to have struggled with. I wanted to give you a diagnosis, not that it changes or says anything about you, but just so you know that you are not alone in this.”</p><p>His head was spinning with all this new information. He appreciated that she had actually shared his diagnosis.  </p><p>Unlike his previous doctor who had just scribbled things into his notes to be shared with his parents, who had a hushed conversation about it only to never discuss it again. </p><p>Still the words seemed to have power and meaning and that scared him. It had sounded pretty accurate, his trust issues, his anger, his overwhelming self hatred. </p><p>He knew there was something wrong with him, but the last thing he needed was another reason to hate himself. </p><p> </p><p>Her voice was kind, but Kageyama couldn’t trust that she actually cared; it was just her job. </p><p>It was her job to pretend and any words of reassurance she gave him were constructed through his parents money. </p><p>So what if he had BPD, having a name for it didn’t make him any less suicidal. </p><p>Dr.Kiyoko seemed to sense that she wasn’t going to get more out of him and uncrossed her legs leaning forward, only to tuck the silky strands that had come loose behind her ear. </p><p>“We will be seeing each other a couple of times a week. You are going to have group therapy sessions everyday led by Dr. Sugawara and will be expected to participate in all group activities with the others. I think you’ll find that you might make some friends here. Welcome to Karasuno, Kageyama."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading! I am trying to update everyday let's see how long I keep it up!<br/>Also everything I wrote about BPD is accurate!<br/>I hope you all enjoyed this chapter :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Shame</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He hadn’t planned on showing up to group therapy five minutes late, but after his talk with Dr.Kiyoko he had needed to calm down. 

He tried to quietly enter the room where the session was being held, however, the door had other ideas and decided to slam loudly behind him. 

He was suddenly the center of attention, all conversation ceased and everyone stared at him from where they sat in a circle of chairs. 
He gulped wishing the floor could just swallow him up, so he wouldn’t have to avoid so many pairs of eyes boring into him. </p><p>“Ah Kageyama, thank you for joining us! Come choose a chair and join the circle. Don’t worry we were just about to start sharing our highs and lows of the day. We usually start off every session with sharing. Since Kageyama is new you should all introduce your name and age as well.” Dr.Sugawara’s smile attempted to ease his awkwardness. He slowly walked towards the one empty chair. </p><p>He finally sat down, his chair acknowledging him with a squick of metal scratching against tile. His downcast gaze refused to budge realizing he was probably still the center of attention. </p><p>Dr. Sugawara finally started speaking again.</p><p>“Why don’t you start us off Tanaka?” he seemed to be addressing a lean boy with a buzzcut and an intense face that rivaled Kageyama's. </p><p>“Huh..why does it have to be me doc.” He sighed when Dr. Sugawara simply motioned for him to go on, and he began addressing Kageyama, “My name is Tanaka Ryuunosuke. I am 18 years old and let’s see my high of today was finally getting myself to write an apology letter to my neighbor…” </p><p>“Is that the lady whose car you stole when you were in mania?”</p><p>He was cut off abruptly by a loud excited voice, that emanated from a surprisingly small body of a boy with black hair streaked upwards with one blonde strand in the center. 
His hair flopped as he squirmed excitedly in his seat awaiting an answer to his question. He looked like he had too much energy for Kageyama’s taste. </p><p>“Noya, what did I say about interrupting others during group?” Dr. Sugawara interjected with a reprimanding gaze.</p><p>“But Tanaka always has such wild stories about when he was manic!” Noya said with a pout</p><p>“Please go on Tanaka. Mania isn’t something to be glorified Noya.” Dr. Sugawara said sternly.</p><p>“Yeah Noya, it was her.” He said with a big smile, clearly he and Noya were close. “I apologized about the car and the time I hosted a party and some other things...” He trailed off “But my low was probably having to swallow my new pills, I feel like I am gagging every time I try to take lamictal.” He said as he demonstrated with a hand around his throat. </p><p>“Wow Tanaka, I never thought you would have a hard time swallowing.” </p><p>Kageyama whipped around to see a tall blonde with black glasses and hazel eyes smirking at his own clever snide remark, his long legs stretched out taking up the space in front of him. Next to him sat a very thin and fragile looking boy with a cowlick and a constellation of freckles across his face. His body language seemed to be the complete opposite of the blonde boy, he seemed to be hunched over himself, trying to disappear inward.<br/>
He also seemed to get a kick out of the dirty joke, he was laughing quietly behind his hand and quietly whispered. “Nice one Tsukki.”</p><p>Dr.Sugawara only sighed. His patience was finally beginning to wane. </p><p>“Tsukishima, why don’t you go next since you seem so eager to share.”</p><p>The boy fixed Dr.Suga with an annoyed look and tsked before crossing his arms over his chest. </p><p>“I'm Tsukishima Kei. I am 17 and don’t you dare call me Tsukki” He said, fixing Kageyama with a look of disgust. </p><p>“Only Yamaguchi can call him that.” giggled a small boy to Yamaguchi’s right. His little giggle was childishly endearing.<br/>

“Shut Up, Hinata!” </p><p>The boy only snorted, not able to keep his giggles under control at Tsukishima’s anger. His bright orange curls bouncing along in humour. His whole body seemed to exude joy, and lively energy. </p><p>He looked so alive, more than anyone else in the room, maybe even in the hospital. He didn’t seem like he belonged in such a sad place, he was too warm, too radiant, like powerful golden rays bursting through early morning, banishing nightly shadows, engulfing everything it touched with a sheen of protective light. He found himself closely observing the boy’s face, his light brown eyes were filled with an innocent kindness, his delicate pale skin was stretched out in a smile so wide that he wondered if it was painful to be that happy. His bright orange curls haloing his face, completing the image of a majestic sunrise rising from the horizon. Kageyama had premonition that these rays would reach even the farthest corners of his nightmarish heart. </p><p>Suddenly those light brown eyes met his dark blue, and he froze, unable to look away. He had been caught staring...how embarrassing. He finally managed to peel his eyes away from the orange headed boy. He could see the other boy still looking at him with a mixture of curiosity and something else he couldn’t quite understand. </p><p>While he had been busy staring, he had missed what Tsukishima’s high was. </p><p>“My low of the day is how shitty it is to be here.” He said with a look that amazingly enough seemed annoyed yet somehow bored at the same time. </p><p>“Did you find your schedule and interactions particularly difficult today?” Dr. Sugawara questioned.</p><p>Tsukishima scoffed. “Don’t flatter yourself, by here I meant being alive.” </p><p>Nobody seemed particularly phased by the statement, which he took as a sign that this was nothing out of the ordinary. He could relate to the sentiment but he didn’t have the enough of the nonchalant attitude to get away with saying it. </p><p>The kid next to Tsukishima rolled his eyes at him, and swept his hand through his hair  with dramatic flair. He was slim and dressed in well fitting clothes that extenuated his figure. He had a classic kind of beauty to him, smooth skin, majestic eyes, long lashes. He was pretty and he clearly knew it. He sat with leg over leg and gestured with his hand as he spoke. </p><p>“Yo-hoo” He said fixing Kageyama with sly smile and slight wave of his delicate wrist. “My name is Oikawa Tooru, I am 18 years old, you would do well to remember my name. I am the best thing about the place.” </p><p>The whole room groaned at his introduction, but he continued unfazed, “My rose of the day he began” he caught onto Kageyama’s confused glance “Ahh right I prefer to call my high a rose and my low a thorn, more poetic that way don't you think?” He said giving Kageyama flirtatious wink, which he ignored. </p><p>“My rose was not focusing on what the food I ate for breakfast would feel like thrown up. My thorn would be the fact that you still refuse to let me add some color to this drab place. Chibi-Chan’s hair is the only piece of color for miles and it's a nauseating orange.” </p><p>Dr. Sugawara nodded. “Thank you Oikawa for sharing, like I told you last time it’s a part of hospital regulation but you are free to decorate your room.<br/>
<br/>
Oikawa only huffed in response, his shiny brown clearly well cared for and meticulously styled brown hair shifting to the side. </p><p>Noya the living breathing ball of chaotic energy was next. </p><p>He smiled at Kageyama, “My name is Nishinoya Yuu but everyone calls me Noya, and as your senpai I can totally show you around until you get the hang of things.” Kageyama was overwhelmed by his offer, but he appreciated the sentiment. Although he was sure that he would rather drop dead than be subjected to a loud tour of the unit. </p><p>“My high of the day was when I cut up all these carrots with a knife during my exposure therapy. I managed to stay calm and I knew that all my intrusive thoughts about stabbing myself, were just thoughts. It was a really hard one and I am super proud of how awesome I was! I was chopping those carrots like there was no tomorrow. I even got to eat them in the end.” He grinned and then he took a minute seemingly thinking really hard about his low.<br/>
“My low would probably be missing my friends birthday party today, it was going to be totally awesome, there was going to be all these fireworks we could use and he even told me he would put away all the knives and…”</p><p>Noya's voice took on a steady stream of story telling, until Dr. Sugawara gently stopped him, indicating it was the next person's turn. </p><p> </p><p>The boy sitting next to him or he should say man--because how old was this guy? There was no way he was a teenager like the rest of them-- began to speak. His soft voice was hesitant, not matching his tall broad stature and adult looking beard with long brown hair. </p><p>“M-my name is...Azumane A-asahi, I am 18, it’s nice to meet you.” He stuttered with a weak smile and a flicker of hesitant eye contact. </p><p>He cleared his throat as if to push himself to continue, Noya gave him a thumbs sign and a supportive grin from beside him, which seemed to help. “My high of the week was getting to play Mario Kart with Noya.” He gave the boy a shy smile. “Ummm...my low was probably talking to my p--arents about my social anxiety again, t--they think I am not trying…” his voice trailed off into nothingness and he looked like he might cry.</p><p>Before Dr.Sugawara could say anything comforting Noya jumped up and flung an arm around Asahi’s back. “Well fuck your parents, you don’t need to listen to them. I got your back Asahi. We are gonna work this shit out together.” He said pointing to himself proudly with his other hand. </p><p>Dr.Sugawara cleared his throat, although he didn’t seem displeased at Noya's outburst. “Asahi, thank you for sharing, I know it was difficult. We can work on talking to your parents in our communication skills session later.” Asahi nodded timidly. </p><p>Kageyama suddenly realized he was next and all eyes were on him for the second time that day.</p><p>“Um..Hi, I am kageyama Tobio, I am 17 years old.” He paused looking at Dr.Sugawara for affirmation that he should continue. “I only got here today but i guess my high is being able to move around more.” </p><p>He didn’t give them anymore details than that, they didn’t need to know he had been confined to a hospital bed for three days. No one could see his wrists because he had consciously worn long sleeves, that he was now tugging down for security as he spoke. “My low is...ah not having my own room.” He finished lamely. </p><p>Dr. Sugawara smiled at him encouragingly. “I am sure you will get used to having a roommate soon, that's right you haven’t met your roommate yet! Hinata why don’t you go ahead and introduce yourself. </p><p>Hinata? So sunrise boy was his roommate, he wasn’t sure how he felt about that, it could be worse. </p><p>Hinata looked startled at being forced into the limelight, he tugged at the sleeves of his green oversized hoodie pulling his legs up on the chair and wrapping his arounds around them. </p><p>He bit his lip and looked straight at Kageyama “My name is Hinata Shoyo, I am 17. My high of this week was getting permission to play with my volleyball for a bit.” So he liked volleyball, that probably explains why he had found himself so drawn to the boy, it was his innate setter senses, he mused. </p><p>Hinata seemed to lose steam probably thinking about the low of his day, “My low is probably zoning out a lot today when we were playing mario kart. I felt like i wasn’t actually fully there, like I was drifting away from my body and it made me lose so easily” He said with a frown and a distant look in his eyes, as if he were seeing something he did not want to see. </p><p>“Are you sure it wasn’t pissing your pants again.” a cruel voice snapped </p><p>Hinata’s face froze in shock and slowly turned completely red. </p><p>The room was dead quiet. </p><p>Clearly, Tsukishima had finally crossed a line, even his buddy Yamaguchi was looking at him disapprovingly. </p><p>Then the room seemed to burst into life. Tanaka looked like he was going to charge Tsukishima only to be held back by Dr.Sugawara who had jumped into action.<br/>
“How dare you mess with Hinata you piece of shit. Don’t worry Hinata he’s not going to get away with being such a dick.” Noya yelled angrily across the room, as Asahi tried to hesitantly hold him back. </p><p>Even Oikawa was looking at Tsukishima distastefully. </p><p>In the chaos Kageyama’s eyes found their way towards Hinata, whose face was now crimson. There were tears forming at the edge of his long lashes. He looked so small, and sad. His body seemed to be collapsed onto itself as he crouched in his seat. </p><p>His eyes briefly met Kageyama's, embarrassment, shame and anger welling up along with his tears. </p><p>Kageyama blinked and Hinata was already running out of the room in a flash of orange. He was incredibly fast. He watched as Dr.Sugawara called out to him, but he was long gone. </p><p>“We are done with today, you all have lunch now. Tsukishima I would like to see you in my office after lunch.” He said briskly already walking towards the door Hinata had just exited, with a loud bang of the door behind him, he was gone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you guys liked this chapter!<br/>We finally got to meet the whole squad.<br/>I know tsukki is being an asshole but he is just really depressed. </p><p>in case it isn't clear Noya has OCD, he has intrusive thoughts that convince him that he is going to stab himself or someone else around sharp objects. It's a somewhat common intrusive thought. </p><p>Oikawa is bulemic and Yamaguchi struggles with anorexia. </p><p>Tanaka has bipolar disorder type 1, which means he is more likely to become manic. </p><p>Yeah I hope that clears things up :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Fear</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you to all the people who have been reading :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kageyama stared at the lumpy oatmeal on his plastic spoon with disdain. He forced himself to take another bite. </p><p>After the events of last afternoon, the rest of the day had been relatively uneventful. By the time he had made it back to his room after dinner, Hinata had already been sound asleep in bed. He couldn’t help but notice his puffy red eyes, and wilted hair, it was a pitiful sight that didn’t suit the boy. </p><p>When he had awoken that morning his roommate was already gone. He had been shaken awake by a counselor telling him he had to get up for breakfast.  </p><p>As soon as he had grabbed his breakfast, he had been dragged over to join the main table in the cafeteria by an energetic Noya. He grumbled in response but he was secretly pleased he didn’t have to figure out where to sit himself.<br/>
It seemed everyone but Oikawa, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were sitting together. He wondered if it was because of the events of yesterday, his eyes scanned the room and he saw Yamaguchi and Tsukishima sitting on a small table to the back with what seemed to be a staff member. </p><p>To his surprise Oikawa was sitting on the table with them. But after taking a closer look he noticed the glum look on Yamaguchi’s face as he picked at his breakfast, and the annoyed expression Oikawa wore as the staff member pointed to something on his plate.<br/>
They must have to eat while being monitored, that sucks...he couldn’t imagine having to eat under constant surveillance. He figured Tsukishima never sat with the others and always accompanied Yamaguchi. Good, he didn’t know the guy really but he seemed like an asshole. </p><p>He was brought back to his table by the rowdiness of Tanaka and Noya competing to see who could swallow their apple juice faster, which only resulted in Asahi, who was sitting in front of Noya getting sprayed with the apple juice spouting from Noya’s mouth. Asahi didn’t seem particularly upset with getting a face full of apple juice, he must have to put up with so much shit being friends with Noya. </p><p>Kageyama’s reflexes were fast enough to move out of the trajectory of the apple juice at the last second, but as a result he found himself bumping right into the person seated next to him who happened to be Hinata. </p><p>Hinata flinched away from him falling back off the seat, his face pale and his eyes full of fear, no it was something stronger than that, terror. Before Kageyama could begin to understand what had just happened, Hinata forced a smile and picked himself off. “Don’t worry about it, I am just a bit jumpy.” He said with a small humourless laugh, but Kageyama could still see how badly his hands were shaking clasped tightly together under the table. </p><p>What the hell was going on thought kageyama grumpily.</p><p>No one commented on the incident but Kageyama couldn’t help but keep his eye on Hinata to make sure he was ok. No one had said anything after Hinata ran away from group therapy yesterday, clearly everyone knew something he didn’t but looks like they didn’t plan on sharing. </p><p>He told himself that he didn’t care, why should he care about what happened to some stranger? But Hinata’s tearful face had played in his mind all night and he was a bit unsettled. </p><p>He was brought to attention by Tanaka, “So Kageyama what are you in for?” he said, fixing him with an intense look.<br/>
Kageyama took a deep breath, not expecting to be questioned so early in the morning. The last thing he needed was to be interrogated when he was half asleep. Why couldn’t they just mind their own business? He frowned his eyebrows furrowing, as he tried to think of a way out of this conversation. </p><p>“Tanaka, you can’t just ask people that!” to his surprise Hinata came to his rescue, “also stop saying it like that, we aren’t in prison.” </p><p>“Ok, you don’t have to tell us anything, I was just wondering cause you know all of us are dealing with some shit and we gotta support each other.” Tanaka said with authority, while Noya seemed to nod along.<br/>
“Yeah, there is nothing to be ashamed of, I am super chill talking about my OCD, even though most are like ahhhh you must be so scared of germs and it’s soooo annoying but I just laugh at them and tell em I am more scared of my thoughts and they think I am joking.” Noya explained happily while eating his apple sauce. </p><p>“Unlike Noya here my track record speaks for itself.” Huffed Tanaka “No one had any doubt that something was seriously wrong with me when I stole a car, and started making no sense, although I am pretty sure they just thought I was on drugs.” He ended with a laugh</p><p>Kageyama sighed, they had backed him into a corner. He guessed it was inevitable, clearly they had shared in an attempt to guilt him into talking. </p><p>“Umm...I guess they told me I have Borderline personality Disorder.” He said as his frown only deepened as he swirled his spook in his oatmeal. “..I don’t know too much about it but for the most part I am just really depressed and angry and I got into some fights...and ended up in the hospital.” He ended quickly. He didn’t feel like verbalizing his failed suicide, he just felt like it would make him sound even worse. </p><p>Noya and Tanaka nodded along. </p><p>“Yeah bro I get it.” said Tanaka reaching across the table to punch his shoulder “I go through really bad depressive phases and they are the fucking worse, man they feel like absolute death...literally.” Tanaka and Noya start to laugh and Kageyama just stared. These guys were really something else, but he knew that they weren’t laughing mockingly; they clearly just dealt with their struggles differently than Kageyama.</p><p> </p><p>Hinata had remained quiet throughout the whole encounter and for some reason it didn’t sit right with Kageyama. He still felt bad for scaring the kid earlier, he felt responsible for his silence considering how comfortable joking around he had been yesterday. </p><p>“Hinata, you play volleyball?” He asked quietly facing the boy, attempting to look as non threatening as possible. </p><p>It was so unlike him to initiate conversation, even if he was feeling guilty. He still didn’t know fully why, but Hinata seemed to light a fire of interest in his mind, one he hadn’t felt in a long time. He wanted to see the boy’s smile again and wanted to hear him laugh, not that he would ever admit it. </p><p>Hinata seemed to beam at the question and animatedly came to life. Kageyama knew he had brought up a genuine shared interest.<br/>
“Yeah! I love volleyball! Have you heard of the little giant? He was this awesome player who was short like me and I saw him on T.V. playing when I was in middle school and I was obsessed after that. I got really hooked on volleyball!” He said with large eyes full of admiration for the player. </p><p>“So I joined a team in my high school and I was a middle blocker just like him, even though no one thought I could do it! But then they saw me jump and everyone was like ahhhhh and they were super impressed with me. I loved the sound of the ball hitting the court really hard like bwaah.” He ended with large arm gestures imitating the balls motions. </p><p>Noya, Tanaka and even Asahi were smiling at the boy's story, even though they had clearly heard it before. </p><p>Kageyama nodded. He rarely met someone who was just as passionate about volleyball as him. </p><p>“Do you play Kageyama?”  Tanaka questioned. </p><p>“Yeah.” He said before realizing that everyone expected more out of him than confirmation. Wow his conversational skills were super rusty, he hadn’t talked to people his age for this long in a long time. </p><p>He cleared his throat, why had he even started this conversation he was such an idiot. “I play volleyball too. I am….was a setter. My team was pretty good. We even made it to nationals the past two years we got really close to winning nationals….” his voice trailed off as he noticed Noya”a sudden frown directed at Hinata. He turned only to see Hinata’s face pale again. Shit, shit, shit he had done it again why did he keep scaring Hinata like this?</p><p>Hinata’s eyes seemed to glaze over as if he wasn’t there and he could see the looks of concern on the other boys’ faces. Hinata seemed to snap out of it realizing what he had done, he shakily laughed. </p><p>“Sorry Kageyama, maybe we can talk about volleyball some more later, I am not feeling very well all a sudden. I think I am going to see the nurse...must be the food.” He mumbled obviously lying. </p><p>Before he knew it, Hinata got up and walked slowly in the opposite direction of where all the nurses and staff would be. Kageyama looked at Hinata’s retreating form and discarded plate of food with concern. </p><p>Kageyama was incredibly frustrated with himself. The one time he actually tries to be nice to someone he freaks them out instead. Why couldn’t he do anything right. He clutched his hair, his wrists seemed to be throbbing with his anger and he could feel a headache coming along.</p><p>Tanaka seemed to realize his distress and sighed sadly, “Don’t worry Kageyama, it’s not your fault...Hinata is just going through a lot. He hasn’t been here very long and he’s just been through some shit, not my place to share.” </p><p>“You're his roommate right?” Noya asked. </p><p>Kageyama nodded in affirmation.<br/>
“He always got his own room, but since they squeezed you in, he had to have a roommate. He was worried about it, he really didn’t want to share his room. Make sure to take care of him.” </p><p>Kageyama nodded although now he was more curious than ever, how could this boy switch so quickly from radiant happiness to dazed gloom? Why didn’t he want a roommate that badly?</p><p> </p><p>_________________________</p><p>Later that night Kageyama was startled awake by a loud sob. It took him a second to recognize where he was before he realized the pitiful sound was coming from Hinata across the room. </p><p>He listened more closely realizing Hinata seemed to be having a nightmare, thrashing around at war with his sheets.<br/>
Kageyama’s heart began to race as he heard Hinata cry out yet again. What should he do? Should he wake him up? Should he call the night staff? Would that be too invasive, would Hinata be embarrassed? As he ran through scenarios, Hinata’s dream only seemed to get worse as he started reacting verbally, crying out “stop...please...stop it.” </p><p>Kageyama decided that he would cautiously approach the boy and retreat once he had successfully woken him up.<br/>
He padded across the room in his pajamas. Hinata was clearly very distressed, his hair was matted down with sweat and his hands twisted in anguish around his sheets, he had tears streaming down his face. Kageyama didn’t know how the boy could be having such a visceral reaction while still asleep. </p><p>He slowly approached trying to call out the boy's name, but he quickly realized that wouldn't work. His hand shook as he gently grabbed Hinata’s shoulder and started to shake him awake. </p><p>Hinata startled him and suddenly lashed out crying out “NO” violently. Before he knew it he had grabbed Kageyama’s wrist as he startled awake. </p><p>He had successfully woken up Hinata, however, Hinata’s nails were digging into his wrist with a death grip. Kageyama hissed in blinding pain, wrenching Hinata’s hand off of him, falling onto the floor.<br/>
His wound was throbbing, responding to the intense pressure with stabs of pain. He pulled up his sleeve and swore as he saw a small pool of blood slowly bloom through the bandage, one of the stitches must have torn. </p><p>Hinata seemed to still be in a daze looking at Kageyama with his eyes blown up in terror, his body still on defense. After blinking a few times groggily at Kageyama, he frowned. </p><p>“What are you doing?!” He said in an aqusational voice, his hands finding their around his shoulders, in a protective stance. </p><p>“What does it look like I am doing, Dumbass!” He hissed trying to manage his pain and his racing heart beat, he really wished he had some pain meds right now. </p><p>“You were having a fucking nightmare and you woke me up, I was just trying to wake up so I could get some fucking sleep and you just attacked me.” He huffed. He was beyond annoyed. He was never going to be nice to anyone ever again. Hinata could have all the fucking nightmares in the world for all he cared. </p><p>Hinata’s face changed from suspicion to concern in an instant, as if suddenly realizing Kageyama was sprawled on the floor clutching his right wrist in pain. “Oh my god! Are you ok?”</p><p>Kageyama rolled his eyes, quickly tugging his sleeve back down.“Yeah, yeah just give me a second and I’ll leave you alone..Dumbass.” He muttered. </p><p>Hinata ignored him and gently crawled out from under his sheet and sat down on the floor next to Kageyama, squinting in the dark attempting to see his wrist as much as possible in the shadows of the moonlight. 

</p><p>“Here, let me see.” He insisted. </p><p>Kageyama shied away from his touch, he didn’t need Hinata knowing his secrets or seeing his wound. </p><p>Hinata saw him pull away and hesitated. “I just want to make sure you're ok? I won’t be able to go back to sleep until I see. I promise you can trust me.” He reached out again. </p><p>Kageyama didn’t know if it was his sleep deprivation, the sincere tone in Hinata’s voice or the warmth the other boy radiated that allowed him to lean into his touch. </p><p>Hinata gently took Kageyama’s hand into his palm and pulled back his sleeve. Hinata swallowed a gasp as he saw the layers of bandage covering his wrist, and the hint of red seeping through. “Shit...shit. I am so sorry.” He started to panic, his eyes wide, now fully awake. “Should I go get the night staff to take you somewhere?”</p><p>Kageyama sighed “No Dumbass, it's ok I think one of the stitches broke it’s not that bad it looks like more blood than there actually is, ok?” Hinata did not seem comforted by his words. </p><p>“I’ll go to the doctor tomorrow morning and have them check it out, ok? They were going to check up on it tomorrow anyway.” </p><p>Hinata nodded, still looking somewhat stressed but he lowered his shoulders and took a deep breath.</p><p>This reminded Kageyama of how they had even ended up in this mess. </p><p>“But are you ok? You were having a really bad dream, should I call someone?” Hinata’s hands tightened around his wrist again. </p><p>“Owwww, watch it. What are you trying to do to break another stitch?” He grumbled as Hinata instantly loosened his grip, his hand sliding down to Kageyama’s fingers instead of his wrist, his face clouding over with guilt. </p><p>He gulped “I am sorry.”<br/>
“I’ll be ok, thanks for waking me up Kageyama” He added softly.</p><p>There was a moment of silence between them and Kageyama realized how ridiculous their situation was, here they were sitting on the floor in the middle of the night practically holding each others hands.<br/>
Hinata seemed to be having the same thought as him, because he suddenly backed away slightly from where his body had been pressed up against Kageyama’s side, but he didn’t let go of his hand. </p><p>Kageyama was glad it was too dark for Hinata to notice the faint blush that appeared on his face. </p><p>Kageyama had never been one for physical contact, but he found himself surprisingly ok with Hinata’s hand in his own. Hinata on the other hand seemed preoccupied with his own thoughts, his gaze focused on their hands.  </p><p>“We should go back to sleep, they are probably going to come check in on us soon and I don’t want to get yelled at.” Kageyama said quietly, not really wanting to disrupt the peaceful moment between them.<br/>
Hinata looked up and met Kageyama’s eyes and nodded. </p><p>They awkwardly got to their feet and shuffled to their respective beds. Kageyama was beginning to drift off into sleep when he heard what he thought sounded like a soft “Goodnight, Kageyama” from across the room.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I love how fucking shy and incapable Kageyama is sometimes.<br/>Anyway Thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Tears</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Wow so this chapter got me so emotional just writing it.<br/>I feel like i put my heart and soul into it, so I hope you all like it. </p><p>I will say though Trigger warning it mentions a razor and self harm but not super explicitly</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next morning Kageyama woke up to the sound of a cheerful voice.</p><p>“Good Morning Kageyama! It’s time for breakfast, you're going to miss it if you don’t hurry up! You know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day and my mom would always tell Natsu that she couldn’t leave the house until she ate and so I got used…..”</p><p> </p><p>Kageyama stared at Hinata groggily, unable to comprehend what was going on so early in the morning. He groaned and pulled the pillow over his head to block out the sound of Hinata’s incessant talking. Hinata had single handedly decided that they were close enough for him to bombard Kageyama while he was still half asleep in his pajamas and drooling onto his pillow.</p><p> </p><p>It suddenly occurred to Kageyama that it was probably the events of last night that made Hinata so comfortable. He could feel a light blush making its way to his face as he remembered how small and soft Hinata’s hands were.</p><p>He furrowed his face deeper into the pillow not willing to risk Hinata seeing his blushing face.</p><p>Hinata seemed to have realized that he needed to escalate his tactics to get Kageyama out of bed.</p><p>“You promised me that you would go get your arm checked out first thing in the morning! You know, I woke up really worried about it!” He said with a pout crossing his arms in mock indignation.</p><p>Kageyama sighed. “Ok..ok.. i am up...I am up. Can’t you give a guy some space. I will go right after breakfast.” Hinata beamed at him victoriously.</p><p>“Ok I guess I should let you change and I can go ahead to the cafeteria.” He made his way to move to the door but then hesitated, slowly turning around, the expression on his face unusually cautious.</p><p>“Also...I really am sorry about last night... I didn’t mean to wake you up, that must have been really annoying and you probably are like ahhhh...why do I have such a crybaby for a roommate and…”</p><p>Before Hinata could continue his rambling Kageyama cut him off. “It’s ok Dumbass, it is what it is, don’t beat yourself up about it, I wasn’t getting good sleep before you were my roommate.” he grumbled.</p><p>This seemed to ease Hinata’s guilt, but he still looked like he had something else to say from the way he was anxiously twiddling his fingers. Kageyama gave him another look indicating he should get on with it. He had never been a morning person and he didn’t know how much more patience he had in him.</p><p>“Ummm about your wrist...if you ever want to talk about it...I am here.” Kageyama found himself feeling taken aback and exposed all of a sudden, he hadn’t thought Hinata would bring it up.</p><p>Sensing his vulnerability, Hinata rushed to assure him. “Don’t worry I am not going to tell anyone about it..not that I think they would care but it’s your story to tell and well...your not the only one here who has tried.” He said cryptically, as he rubbed his neck anxiously.</p><p>Kageyama cleared his throat in an attempt to find his voice. He didn’t know why but his heart felt like it was in his throat. “Thanks...I appreciate it.”</p><p>Hinata only nodded and walked out of the room, leaving Kageyama sitting dazed on his bed, willing his heart rate to slow down.</p><p>_____________________________________________</p><p> </p><p>Dr. Takeda was very gentle as he placed fresh bandages on his wrist. The new stitches had hurt but he reveled at the pain, it made him feel alive, in a way that should probably be concerning, but he couldn’t be bothered.<br/>
Before he knew it he was done and being escorted back to his unit by Dr. Sugawara. He found Hinata anxiously waiting for him with wide eyes, as they were buzzed through the door back to the ward.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t look at me like that, Dumbass.” Kageyama scoffed. “It was just a couple of stitches, it’s all good now.”</p><p>Hinata’s face relaxed, his shoulder slumping with relief. He gave Kageyama his characteristic smile and suddenly grabbed Kageyama’s elbow dragging away from Dr.Sugawara, who only smiled at him nodding that he was free to go.</p><p>“What are you doing?” Kageyama growled, as Hinata led him by the elbow, not used to this much human contact, especially when he was still processing last night's hand holding.</p><p>“I have something to show you!” Hinata babbled excitedly. As they walked over to whatever this surprise was, Kageyama couldn’t help but study how Hinata’s hair seemed to light onfire in the sunlight, a multitude of shades of red, orange and brown swirling into a halo of locks framing Hinata’s face, setting him ablaze. The word beautiful could not help but echo through his mind. Hinata was beautiful.</p><p> </p><p>They reached the common area, where Oikawa was sitting reading through a fashion magazine and Asahi and Noya seemed to be playing a video game.</p><p>“Noya, where did you put it?” called out Hinata. Noya turned and met him with a quick smile grabbing something from between his legs and throwing it towards hinata.</p><p>A volleyball.</p><p>His time at the hospital had probably been the longest he had gone without seeing a volleyball.</p><p>Hinata giggled. Observing the look of concentration, awe and admiration Kageyama had on his face as he looked at the ball. “You look like you're in love.”</p><p>Kageyama blushed. “Shut up dumbass, I just haven’t seen one in a while..”</p><p>Hinata continued to grin up at him, his nose scrunching up with excitement.</p><p> </p><p>“I figured! I thought maybe since we both like volleyball we could do some passes in the hallway, they let me keep the ball now.”</p><p> </p><p>Hinata seemed to be vibrating with energy ready to go at any moment. A pang of sadness hit Kageyama, he didn’t know how to say no to this boy. Especially when they were the subject of everyone in the common room's eyes. Oikawa looked particularly amused as his eye’s met Kageyama’s giving him a knowing look and a suggestive tilt of his eyebrow.</p><p>“Ok..let’s go. But let’s go somewhere empty so we don’t hit anyone.”</p><p>Somewhere far from Oikawa he muttered to himself.</p><p>The words had barely left his mouth, before Hinata was bouncing along the hall, taunting Kageyama into running after him, never being one to back down from a race. He huffed as he ran after Hinata, his heart feeling surprisingly light.</p><p>When they reached a relatively open area in between the cafeteria and some facility and maintenance rooms, he finally mustered the courage to let down Hinata.</p><p>“Hinata...I don’t think I can pass to you the way you want...my wrists...well I am not supposed to put any stress on them for at least two more weeks before the stitches come out.” He stared at the floor not wanting to see the smile melt off of Hinata’s face.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh shit..Kageyama, I am so sorry I am such an idiot...wahhhhh you were just at the Doctor...and i saw it last night...I didn’t even think about that…” He mumbled looking deeply ashamed of his stupidity.</p><p>“It’s fine.” He found himself reassuring Hinata for the millionth time that day.</p><p> </p><p>He thought for a moment “Let’s just gently toss the ball between us, I like touching and familiarizing myself with it since I am a setter and if we are gentle it should be ok.” Hinata nodded seemingly pleased with the compromise, although Kageyama was sure he wanted to spike the ball more than anything, not that it would have been a good idea to do so in the corridor. They would probably get the ball taken from them.</p><p> </p><p>Hinata gently tossed him the ball and Kageyama found himself smiling as he watched the ball make a gentle arc towards him and he caught it with ease, only feeling a gentle tug of pain in his wrist.</p><p>Hinata suddenly gasped. “YOU SMILED!” Wow I think this is the first time I have seen an expression other than a frown on your face. You should do that more often, you have a nice smile!” Hinata’s word seemed innocent and genuine but Kageyama dropped his smile instantly, replacing it with a frown, hoping that his face hadn’t betrayed him with a blush.</p><p> </p><p>They continued gently passing the ball and he found himself silently listening to Hinata as he talked about his teammates, his parents and sister, the first time he had spiked a ball and how great it had felt against his palm. Kageyama hadn’t felt this at ease with someone since his sister left and his grandfather died. Even letting himself respond to Hinata’s teasing with taunts of his own.</p><p> </p><p>They eventually decided to sit down and take a break, clearly both of them were not as fit as they had once been. Kageyama in particular, could already feel the pain from the extra strain on his wrist, not that he was going to mention it to Hinata.</p><p> </p><p>They sat in silence for a couple of moments, their hearts slowing down, before Hinata fixed Kageyama with a surprisingly serious gaze and asked. “Why did you stop playing volleyball? You seem to love it more than anyone I know, and clearly you're very good at it!”</p><p> </p><p>Kageyama gulped, he lowered his head slowly in an attempt to avoid Hinata’s searching eyes until all he could see was his black bangs. He didn’t want Hinata to hate him...it was a strange, caring so deeply about what someone thought of him. Hinata was such an open, kind person, so easygoing that he had managed to worm himself into Kageyama’s heart, in such a short amount of time. He didn’t want those large brown eyes to look at him with harsh judgement or hear Hinata’s soft voice muttering words of betrayal behind his back.</p><p>He was startled out of his inner turmoil by a gentle hand pressing against his shoulder.<br/>
“Hey...you don’t have to tell me. I didn’t realize it would be a touchy subject. But I just want you to know that I won’t judge.. I promise.” He seemed to have read Kageyama’s mind.</p><p>Kageyama slowly lifted his gaze from the ground, meeting Hinata’s kind and concerned gaze.</p><p> </p><p>And for the first time he let his tongue loose, in a way he hadn’t with anyone before, even his sister.<br/>
Hinata’s eyes seemed to reassure him that he wasn’t there to judge, that he could spill all his secrets, confess his sins and he would find nothing but comfort.</p><p> </p><p>So he spoke about something he had long tucked away into the deep dark crevasses of his body. He had locked his pain deep in his heart, only for it to escape into his veins and torment his bodies every living moment. Armed with a razor he attempted to bleed the torment out of him, but as he had watched his blood run rivers against white tile, he had realized that his pain was so inextricably enmeshed to his soul that there was no way to rid himself of it besides death.</p><p>He told Hinata a story about volleyball.</p><p> </p><p><br/>
He allowed himself to be lost in a whirlwind of feelings, both painful and joyful memories rising from his depths.</p><p> </p><p><br/>
He latched onto these feelings, holding onto them while he could. He described how he felt when he entered a volleyball court's majestic golden walls. The way in which his perpetual anger always instantly dissolved into happiness, because that place was his holy shrine void from the anger of the exterior world. He described the way the cart of balls always glistened in the distance, called to him like the friends he yearned for and never had.</p><p><br/>
The court was his safe haven. 

He had first discovered it when his grandfather had dragged him there claiming he needed to release his excess negative energy. He remembered entering the court for the first time immediately feeling as if the echoing walls were forts of protection, keeping everybody out and holding him gently in. The room had been full of empty stretches of space that bumped up against tall poles that supported a glistening white web that had called out to challenge a young Kageyama.</p><p> </p><p><br/>
Kageyama senior would kidnap Kageyama from the sounds of slamming doors, shattering glass and shrill voices and take him to a safe space. Playing volleyball became a sacred ritual passed down from one generation of the Kageyama family to another.</p><p> </p><p>His grandfather's calm presence, the smell of Air Salonpas, the screech of sneakers echoing throughout the court. The gentle voice instructing him from the sidelines, helped Kageyama create alternate realities for himself.</p><p><br/>
He could still feel his grandfather's hands patting his head after a particularly good play.</p><p><br/>
Thus his time on any court was always a tribute to a childhood spent with his grandfather.</p><p><br/>
He spent many lazy afternoons, drenched in sweat, breathing heavily, lying on the hard floor staring at the blinding lights of the gym and thinking this was the closest he was going to get to heaven.</p><p><br/>
Kageyama paused his story and reached for Hinata’s volleyball, a sense of comfort engulfed him from the inside out. Kageyama took a deep breath and allowed the balls leathery aroma to linger. His hands touched the ball with a familiarity that came with years of training.</p><p> </p><p><br/>
He finally allowed himself to remember the last time he had been on the court.</p><p><br/>
It was a game at the summer inter high semi-finals. Just like any game, he allowed the court to engulf him, and as always he was at the mercy of the game, which submerged him in a whirlwind of heat, movement and action. He knew that he was beyond reach in this game, that allowed him to unlock a superior reality so much better than his own.</p><p><br/>
However, no one on his team understood the importance of the ball in between his fingers. They didn’t understand that Kageyama owed it to his grandfather to be the best, and by extension his team had to be the best.</p><p><br/>
He knew he didn't have his grandfather's gentle voice, or calm instruction, but then again he was the product of his household. He had learned nothing but rigid instruction, loud words and harsh criticism at home. How was he supposed to provide anything but that? He couldn’t imagine operating under a different system. His teammates Had hated him, they called him the angry king. He heard them whisper behind his back, cruel words that  echoed across the court, cruel and arrogant King Kageyama.</p><p><br/>
The second set of that game had begun and he couldn’t bear his teammates lack of enthusiasm. He couldn’t watch them disrespect the only thing that really mattered; he wouldn’t allow them to disrespect his grandfather's memory. He had allowed himself to be engulfed in a fit of rage that resulted in what came next.</p><p><br/>
He remembered the moment so clearly because his bouts of self hatred had forced him to relive It thousands of times. 

On that day he had taken a deep breath, his meticulously kept fingers had expertly pushed the ball upwards in the perfect toss. He had watched the ball's majestic arch as it made its way across the court, lighting a fire, leaving a burning trail in its wake, it was supposed to have ignited all those who came across it’s path into action. But instead he had watched it shudder and die, extinguished, plummeting to the floor with a loud echo, no one had been there to maintain it’s flame.</p><p> </p><p><br/>
He had lost all sense of himself, he remembered his anger and sadness creating an overwhelming combination that he couldn’t control. It was as if he was watching himself from another entity, looking down at the raging machine of destruction below as it ravaged it’s teammates, broke chairs, and yelled until it was restrained like some ravenous beast. That wasn’t him, it couldn’t be. The Kageyama he knew wouldn’t desecrate the most sacred part of his life.</p><p> </p><p><br/>
He lost himself after that, all sense of time, purpose and being. The days seemed to drag on without any rhyme or reason other than to endlessly torture him. Until one day he attempted to bring himself back to his body, with the pain of a razor and endless amounts of self hatred and shame.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He could feel the hot tears running down his checks but he couldn’t be bothered to deal with them. He hadn’t realized they were there until he finished his story. He took a deep breath attempting to shove down the sob that fought for release. Then he felt gentle hands engulfing him, a warm heat radiating around him, orange curls and small fingers with calloused tips wiping away his tears. He finally let himself unravel and sobbed into Hinata’s shoulder.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Tears...I felt like crying when I wrote this sorry for making it super sad :(</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Support</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: Eating disorders </p><p>I haven't been able to update every day for the last two days sorryyyy<br/>thank you all for your support...chapter is dedicated to skribblejellies :)<br/>As always feedback and comments are appreciated and i am always open to critiques especially from people who have dealt with E.D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Three days had passed since Kageyama’s volleyball fueled breakdown in front of Hinata. </p><p>Hinata had taken the encounter as confirmation that they were friends. Maybe Hinata was just this friendly with everyone. Kageyama couldn’t be sure. He didn’t really understand why anyone would want to be friends with him when he frowned 90% of the time. He was still trying to process why he had allowed himself to open up to Hinata, when he rarely allowed himself to be emotional vulnerable with people he had known for years. Perhaps Hinata being a stranger is what allowed him to break down, more likely it was all the medicine he was taking that made him a jumble of confusing emotions that he didn't feel like he had full control over. He decided he wouldn't question the breakdown too much, he was in a place where he was forced to talk about his emotions constantly, and it was only a matter of time before he cracked and his emotions seeped out.</p><p>Regardless of his insecurities, Kageyama was starting to feel more comfortable in the ward. He felt a sense of comradeship with the fellow patients Except Tsukishima, he was the one person Kageyama generally tried to avoid. Kageyama was still incredibly confused about the nature of his relationship with someone as soft spoken and gentle as Yamaguchi, it didn’t add up. </p><p> </p><p>Hinata it turned out, got along really well with the freckled boy, who seemed to appreciate Hinata’s attempts at engaging with his shy demeanor and soft voice during various group activities.<br/>
Kageyama secretly watched Hinata masterfully bring out the emotions and trust in people around him. Kageyama was amazed at the ease in which Hinata laughed along with Noya, poked and prodded a blushing Asahi, and playfully fought with Tanaka. He was even civil to Tsukshima despite the boy's previous actions. It seemed like Hinata’s endless bout of excitement would never end, that is until it did. </p><p>Despite Hinata looking like he wore his heart on his sleeve, he was still somewhat of an enigma to Kageyama. Hinata seemed to be the ultimate picture of happiness, until suddenly a very jarring wave of fear, or distance would overtake him, leaving him gasping for breath, glassy eyed. Until he would suddenly gasp his way back to the shores of reality. Kageyama felt like an anchorless boat being rocked back and forth with the inconsistencies of Hinata’s behavior. Sometimes he felt like Hinata was afraid of him, flinching at every accidental touch. Other times Hinata would suddenly grab Kageyama’s elbow, or jump on Kageyama’s shoulders propping himself excitedly into the air.  While Kageyama often hissed at Hinata’s sudden contact, he had started to  feel grateful for it. He would take his own awkwardness around physical contact and hidden blushes over a distant Hinata anyday. </p><p> </p><p>As his first week came to an end he realized that it wasn’t just Hinata who played an integral role in supporting others in the unit. Noya single handedly calmed down Asahi during an intense anxiety attack. Noya had transformed from a rambunctious, chaotic ball of energy, into a soft spoken, solid support for Asahi. Asahi had suddenly collapsed into a teary, gasping mess. Noya had immediately plopped himself on the floor next to the larger boy's trembling figure.

 Everyone else had looked on with concern, unsure what to do. Noya however, took action, he gently uncurled Asahi’s fingers from where they were burrowing into his face, and intertwined them with his own instead. He insisted that Asahi squeeze his hands to release stress instead of scratching himself.  Noya then set a steady slow rhythm of breathing for Asahi to follow, taking deep breaths along with him, murmuring gentle words of encouragement. He sat there for a whole half an hour rubbing Asahi's back, telling him that he was going to be ok, never letting go despite how white his knuckles were or how stiff his shoulders felt. </p><p>Then Kageyama had watched as Tsukishima sat by Yamaguchi way after breakfast ended and everyone else had trickled out onto their next activity. He sat there until Yamaguchi finished the food on his plate. Tsukishima was as snarky and stoic as ever, yet didn’t say a word about Yamaguchi’s tears as he struggled to finish every bite. Instead he fixed Yamaguchi with a strong calculating gaze, that wordlessly spoke volumes of his belief in Yamaguchi’s strength. When Yamaguchi would inadvertently murmur out a “Sorry Tsukki” every now and then, Tsukishima’s only response was an eye roll and a “Shut up Yamaguchi.” Yamaguchi would apologize again but there was always a small smile lighting up his face, and admiring glances furtively directed towards Tsukishima. </p><p> </p><p>Tanaka and Noya were roommates. Kageyama discovered this one day as he passed their shared room on his way to the bathroom. He had heard a commotion coming from their room only to  witness Noya repeatedly opening and closing their shared door while counting to himself.  Tanaka was simply chilling behind him on the bed reading through a magazine seemingly unbothered, only pausing to  immaturely call out an “Ayyyyy” when Noya’s count reached the number 69. He didn’t seem to treat Noya and his nightly OCD rituals with anything other than friendly concern and respect. </p><p> </p><p>These encounters had affected Kageyama, he wasn’t used to witnessing such kindness and compassion. He couldn’t fathom someone being so willing to support him regardless of how selfish and self-deprecating he was. Yet, Hinata had done exactly that and continued to be a soothing presence day after day. He was waiting for the day when Hinata would snap, when those brown eyes would look at him in disgust, and Hinata would confess that he simply couldn’t bear to look at Kageyama’s face for another second. He tried to push these thoughts away and bask in the shadows of Hinata’s sunlight soaking it up while he could. </p><p>He questioned if he was capable of providing support to others. His whole life he had run from his own emotions. How was he supposed to help other people with theirs? He had been called many things by his teammates and most of them revolved around his inability to communicate with others, his complete lack of empathy and his stunted emotional growth. So as he witnessed others around him opening themselves up to vulnerability, reassuring others, physically comforting and kindly affirming each other, he held back with an ache in his heart. He felt himself yearning to release the frown on his face, to relax his shoulders, and let his guard down. But try as he might, there was this invisible voice whispering in his ear telling him that he was worthless, he was too selfish. He would make everything worse if he tried. </p><p> </p><p>These thoughts were particularly relevant his first Saturday afternoon in the unit. Dinner had just ended and the majority of the patients were participating in an art therapy session. Kageyama thought the idea was stupid. But it wasn’t like he had a choice in the matter, so he let himself pick up some heavily used crayons and clean white paper, and sit next to Hinata. </p><p> </p><p>As Hinata chatted cheerfully into his ear about all sorts of nonsense, he found himself frowning down at his awkwardly drawn volleyball. He was secretly comforted when he glanced at Hinata’s attempt at a crow that was horribly disfigured.  Hinata sensing his gaze smiled proudly, explaining that the crow was his high school volleyball team's mascot. As Hinata went on about the evolution of the flightless crows, Kageyama felt an intense pain in his wrist. Perhaps it was all the drawing, or maybe it was the stitches acting up, regardless he found himself wincing. He wanted to peel back the bandage so badly. But he knew he couldn’t risk doing it with so many possible witnesses’ around. He quickly considered his options, he wasn’t allowed to close the door of his room during the day, everywhere else was occupied, the only place with a morsel of privacy was the bathroom. Having made his choice, he quickly murmured some excuse to Hinata and hurriedly made his way towards the bathroom farthest from the group. He had to minimize the chance that he would run into anyone else. </p><p> </p><p>He cautiously approached the bathroom, stepping lightly as he rounded the corner, until he was in front of a closed stall. He was suddenly startled by a loud retching noise coming from the farthest stall to his left. He could hear the sound of vomit cascading into water. The intensity of the sound caused him to move back, stupidly tripping over his own feet. The noise of his shoes squeaking against cold tile echoed through the tiled bathroom and the retching sounds abruptly stopped. There was a deafening silence, and Kageyama held his breath, stiff with indecision, it sounded like someone was sick. Should he call one of the nurses? Shold he go check on them? What if they didn’t want him there? He settled for calling out a hesitant, “Are you ok? Should I call someone?” </p><p> </p><p>There was an immediate yelp of “NO...Nooo don’t call anyone I am fine, I will be out in a moment….ahh just an upset stomach” the voice seemed anything but ok. It was so gravely and raspy that he couldn’t recognize it’s owner. They sounded as if they were on the verge of tears. </p><p>Kageyama slowly made his way towards the last stall and knocked softly. “Ok, I won’t...but could you at least let me make sure you are alright.” </p><p>After a painstaking moment of silence the door opened with a jarring groan. </p><p>Kageyama was not prepared for the sight that awaited him. He was faced with a pale, shaking and unrecognizable Oikawa. </p><p>The Oikawa he knew was all attitude, well put together looks, and haughty mannerisms. The Oikawa crouched before him on the tiled floor pitifully crying was a far cry from what he was used to.<br/>
Oikawa’s beautiful brown hair was dishevelled, his manicured hands shaking as they clung to the toilet that held the remains of Oikawa’s dinner. </p><p>“Don’t...don’t you dare look at me like that.” Oikawa’s raspy voice whispered. </p><p>Kageyama stiffened “Like what?” </p><p>He was so in over his head, this was his moment to pay it forward and support someone. Yet he found himself frozen in shock. </p><p>“Like you are pitying me...like you think you are better than me...because I look like shit.” with his statement Oikawa closed his eyes with a groan and leaned back against the stall wall. </p><p>Kageyama found himself making the split second decision that he should sit down. He awkwardly entered the stall, painfully seating himself on the floor across from Oikawa, his long legs bent at all sorts of awkward angles to avoid contact. He frowned down at the cold hard floor. This was one ridiculous situation he was in, what was he supposed to do now? His head was swimming and the stench of vomit was certainly not helping. </p><p>He cleared his throat “I don’t think I am better than you...I don’t think I understand you..but that doesn’t mean I pity you.” </p><p>Oikawa’s eyes remained closed; he simply huffed in response, his face clammy and exhausted. “Wow...all hail therapist Kageyama...here to save the day. Just leave already, don’t pretend like you give a shit” He snarled harshly. </p><p>Kageyama flinched, his inner voice was yelling at him that Oikawa was right, that he was selfish, a disappointment, anyone else would be better suited to comfort others. He forced himself to quell his thoughts and stay, despite his raging heart beat and growing sense of dread. </p><p>He clenched his fists and unexpectedly found the image of Hinata’s joyful face in his mind. His light freckles and toothy smile peering up at him with trust. </p><p>What would Hinata do in this situation? He found himself musing. He would probably try physical comfort, maybe use a soothing voice? Kageyama groaned none of those seemed like they would particularly work coming from Kageyama’s awkward, stiff and cold body. If only Hinata was here instead of him….</p><p>Well If he couldn’t be Hinata, what would Hinata tell him to do? He pondered for a moment and realized that the answer was simple. He would fix Kageyama with an attempt as a serious gaze and tell him that he just needed to be himself. </p><p>Kageyama took another deep breath channeling Hinata’s energy and belief in himself. </p><p>He quickly got up, ignoring how Oikawa stiffened at Kageyama’s sudden departure from the stall. Kageyama briskly approached the sink, and immediately made his way back to the stall this time sitting down with confidence. He began to talk before he could lose his resolve. </p><p>“I suck at this ok...listen I have been a selfish asshole most of my life, but right now I am trying and you don’t have to appreciate it or feel thankful or anything. But I am just going to stay here regardless of what you think because I care about you. I know alot about self pity ok..and if you wanna talk about it or about what's going on with you we can… if you don’t want to then that’s fine too, I’ll stay here until you are feeling well enough to get up and we can get you cleaned up. But for now here is some wet toilet paper to wipe your mouth with.”<br/>
Oikawa’s eyelids fluttered open with surprise at his little speech. To Kageyama’s surprise Oikawa let out a raspy laugh, as he accepted the toilet paper. </p><p> </p><p>“Did not see that one coming...Chibi-chan has really put some work into you..Huh. Well I know that you appreciate my company, so I will allow you to stay for now but that doesn’t mean I am going to acknowledge you or have some heart to heart.” </p><p>Unsure how to respond, Kageyama sat in silence staring down intensely at the cracks in the tile floor. Three minutes passed before Kageyama began to feel like he was going to crack the tile with his gaze.</p><p> “Can I talk instead?” His own words surprised him. In the last five minutes he had already spoken more than he usually did all day. Oikawa’s eyes didn’t open, instead he waved his hand in approval. </p><p>So that is how Kageyama found himself uncharacteristically talking to Oikawa about volleyball on the hospital bathroom floor. As the strong stench of vomit hung in the air Kageyama gave him a run down of his best plays, and tidbits of information about volleyball players. Eventually Oikawa began to ask questions. Soon the bathroom was filled with Oikawa’s usual scoffing retorts, dripping with sarcasm and insolence. Oikawa had simply listened with closed eyes and hums of affirmation and supportive nods. His face easing into a gentle look. </p><p> </p><p>When Kageyama’s words dwindled to a halt, he let himself relax against the wall. Then Oikawa began to speak. He spoke about people flocking to him because of his good looks from an early age. He described the pedestal his family placed him on, their sheltered prize trapped behind glass walls for the world to admire. He spoke about the intense pressure he endured to maintain his image. He had  to be perfect in order to support his family business’ and by extension their livelihood. </p><p>He was taught that people would love him because of his looks. He found himself hanging on to every compliment to reassure himself that he was valuable and worthy. He described how the trouble began as an obsessiveness with skin care. He spent hours slaving over achieving the ideal porcelain, soft, blemish free face. But his obsession rapidly moved on and fixated on his weight and maintaining his figure. His family hadn’t seen it as a problem, in fact they had actively admired him and encouraged his efforts to lose weight. </p><p>He knew he had to maintain his public facade, so he would perform during mealtimes. He would painfully consume food secretly thinking about how it would feel to throw and rid his body of its weight. He would eat with a dashing smile on his face, slowly nibbling his food, elegantly filling himself with compliments from those around him. Only to vomit the compliments out with his food, leaving him hollow on the inside, always aching for more.<br/>
One day he woke up and realized his sense of self worth was so inrovakably intertwined with his body, that he didn’t think anyone could love him for anything else. </p><p>School became torturous, there was this nagging voice in the pit of his stomach, that convinced him no matter how much weight he lost it wasn’t enough. He was told that every glance in the hallway, every whisper in class, was stripping him bare and exposing his flaws for the world to see. </p><p>His close friend Iwaizumi, who had been worried about Oikawa’s constant exhaustion and weakness, finally caught him vomiting in the bathroom. He refused to ignore it. Despite Oikawa’s parents' desires and Oikawa’s incessant begging, Iwaizumi told them he wouldn’t leave Oikawa alone until they sent him for treatment. His parents had finally obliged. </p><p>The day he left home Oikawa knew that they would never see him the same way again. Their trophy of a son had fallen from his pedestal, shattering the glass as he fell from grace. </p><p>When Oikawa’s voice came to a halt there were no tears in his eyes, only the raspy remains of a raw throat and a bleeding heart. Kageyama sat with him in silence. For once he knew that he did not have to verbalize his compassion for Oikawa to feel it. It was present in his silence, in his gaze, and in his position on the cold hard tile. </p><p>Oikawa finally flushed his vomit down watching his sense of loneliness swirling away with it. He slowly rose, accepting Kageyama’s hand in support. </p><p>As they slowly made their way out into the light of the corridor, Kageyama was firm about one thing. “I won’t rat you out...I promise, but only if you promise you’ll tell me or your doctor if you do this again.. I don’t care what time it is… or where I have to go...you need to tell me.” He said it with a lot more confidence than he thought he had.</p><p>Oikawa simply fixed him with his characteristic flirtatious grin.</p><p> “Oh Kageyama...I am flattered I really am...But I am afraid you're really not my type...But I am sure Chibi-Chan wouldn’t mind meeting up with you whenever you want.”<br/>
He had the audacity to wink and Kageyama almost abandoned him right then and there. But as they walked away together Kageyama couldn’t hear the demonic whispers of his inner voice over the sound of Oikawa’s obnoxious jokes.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Also I apologize for any verb tense mess ups I lived in a non-english speaking country for a lot of my childhood so I never really learned that stuff so i know i mess it up sometimes :(</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Truth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello lovely readers!<br/>Hope you enjoy this chapter I did not expect for it to go the way it did, it just kind of took a turn as I was writing.<br/>Sad truth is kageyama’s therapy session is based off of one of my therapy sessions, shits real.<br/>As always thanks for your kudos and comments! Can’t believe 100 people left kudos 😭😭</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kageyama’s therapy session was not going well. Dr. Kiyoko wanted him to focus on “confronting himself” today.  </p><p>“Kageyama, in order to discover what a life worth living looks like for you, you need to pinpoint what’s stopping you from achieving it.” She said sagely with her legs crossed as always. Her silky hair in a gentle braid hanging on her shoulder.<br/>
Her statement pissed Kageyama off. What was stopping him? Shouldn’t she know she’s his therapist, why was she asking him?</p><p>“You know what’s stopping me! Everything, my parents’ neglect, having no friends, my sisters abandoning me, and being forced off of the volleyball team. Why are you acting like it’s some kind of choice I made, something I can reverse.” </p><p>He rehorted heatedly. He already had more than enough self blame to go around, he didn’t need his therapist to make him feel like a failure as well.<br/>
But Dr.Kiyoko continued to push him to further reflect on issues of his own happiness. </p><p>“You see yourself as a victim of your circumstance, Kageyama. But tell me this, were you always so unhappy?” </p><p>Kageyama paused to think but he couldn’t remember a time when he wasn't depressed. In fact, he couldn’t tell where his depression started and he ended, depression was his ever present best friend. The truth was he was sacred, he didn’t know who he was outside of his sadness. He was a shadow of a person, whoever he had been was erased long ago. He didn’t know what happiness looked like, and he had resigned himself to the idea that perhaps he was incapable of possessing such an emotion. It wasn’t all bad, just because he was destined to never be happy, it didn’t mean that he had to be miserable all the time. </p><p>“I don’t think I will ever be happy, I guess some people can never be happy and maybe that’s just the sad reality I have to get used to.”</p><p>Dr.Kiyoko jotted down some notes in her notebook and began to speak about the philosophy and practice of mindfulness that has been effective in countering depression and finding happiness.</p><p>Her voice droned on and strangely enough Kageyama’s thoughts floated to Hinata. </p><p>Hinata was everything Kageyama wasn’t, he was the exact antithesis of Kageyama. Hinata was all sunlight, ringing laughter, bright blinding colors, la sweet melody, filling up a room with his sunny presence despite his short stature. </p><p>Kageyama on the other hand was a gloomy never ending night, he was whispers of indignation and yells of anger, a deep frown etched permanently into a face, the dreary colors of a cloudy day, a lanky shadow lurking unwanted in the cobwebbed corner. He wondered if Hinata ever felt as sad as he did, he prayed that he hadn’t, he wouldn’t wish it upon his greatest enemy. </p><p> </p><p>He figured that most people went through patches of depression or unhappiness in their lives but their general state in life was a plateau of sorts, the average of all their highs and lows. Kageyama on the other hand, felt like he went through bouts of extreme sadness and depression without the highs to accompany it. His life felt like a sad rollercoaster that only went down, it just continued to dip further and further, always leaving it’s rider yearning, hopeful for a climb, imagining what the view must look like from the top. Only for him to eventually realize that the view from the top was never meant for his eyes. Anytime he spent yearning for that incline was a waste. He had come to accept the sad banality of his descend. </p><p>Perhaps the only true exception was his time on the volleyball court, where he deceived himself into thinking that the view from the top of the net, was the same view as the top of the track. Alas, he had crumbled that temporary mirage, watched it turn to dust before his eyes, his own hands responsible for the rubble.  </p><p>As he continued to brood over his sad life, Dr.Kiyoko snapped him out of his thoughts, suddenly with a question.</p><p>“Kageyama our session is nearing its end, but I wanted to pose two questions for you to think about and we can discuss them more next time. Do you think that maybe you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy?” She said it in a kind tone, with no judgement to be heard. </p><p> </p><p>The question was seemingly simple, because he knew he was supposed to want happiness for himself, wasn’t he? </p><p>But Dr. Kiyoko continued her thought, fixing him with her contemplative all knowing gaze. “Perhaps you enjoy wallowing in this sense of misery?” </p><p> </p><p>She thought Kageyama enjoyed his own misery. That’s when Kageyama really lost it. She thought he enjoyed how much he hated himself? Did she think he loved how much he wanted to die? How dare she confuse the endless guilt chaining him down with joy? His inner voice cruelly mocked him questioning whether she was right considering he claimed to not know joy? </p><p>Perhaps the razor in his hand, the splatters of blood onto tile were nothing but his sadistic attempt at joy. His stomach twisted in disgust and the desire to vomit. His head throbbed with these thoughts endlessly swirling in his head. 

Dr.Kiyoko made it sound like he could just stop it all if he wanted to...could he? No, it was impossible he had done too much damage to himself and others. Maybe she was right and he was self inflicting his own misery. However, it wasn’t some sort of sadistic game he inflicted upon himself for joy, it was punishment.  He deserved his misery,  as a punishment for all the fucked up things he had done, for all the people he had hurt. </p><p>His session came to an end with an overwhelming amount of self hatred, and self pity. He found himself storming out of the office. He blazed through the hallway with no concern to his surroundings, he just needed to get out of this place, he felt like a lab rat in a shrinking cage and he was tired of being poked and prodded for answers. He wanted to punch through the walls to find his freedom. </p><p> </p><p>As he made his way towards the unit, he walked straight through the common room disregarding Hinata’s greeting and everything else around him. Until he found himself nearly bumping into two intertwined bodies, lips interlocked, hidden in the shadows of the hallway.</p><p>Kageyama was still breathing hard from his escape. His brain was still so loudly pounding from his therapy session, that it took a moment longer to realize he had just walked into Tsukshima and Yamaguchi making out. By the time his brain fully caught up with his eyes, his face was a fiery red, and Tsukshima and Yamaguchi had hurriedly disentangled. </p><p>Tsukshima did not look the slightest bit embarrassed, he maintained his cool demeanor looking down at Kageyama with disgust as if he was the one caught making out.</p><p> Yamaguchi on the other hand had been quick to hide behind Tsukishima towering form, his cowlick and brown eyes, blown wide, peering cautiously at Kageyama, awaiting his judgement. </p><p> Tsukishima was not one to wait for others, so his bluntness came as no surprise. </p><p>“You won’t mention this to anyone.” he said as more of a demand rather than a request, his steely gaze not leaving Kageyama for a second. </p><p>Kageyama’s face had finally cooled down and he was starting to get pissed with the way that Tsukishima was looking and talking to him. They were highly discouraged from physical contact, and this was a whole other level of contact. Romantic relationships were technically forbidden, so Kageyama knew he could get them in trouble if he wanted too. </p><p>“I won’t tell a soul under one condition.” He found himself speaking with a straightened back and a steady gaze attempting to reflect Tsukishima’s threatening glare right back at him. </p><p>Yamaguchi gulped at his response, and he saw Tsukishima uncharacteristically reach back and squeeze his hand reassuringly. </p><p>“Oh yeah and what is that? What are you some kind of homophobe?” He leered at Kageyama but he could tell that Tsukishima was worried from the way his eyes narrowed. </p><p>Kageyama scoffed. “No, I am not. My condition is that you apologize to Hinata for what you said during my first group therapy session. I wouldn’t be blackmailing you if you were a decent person and had already apologized for being a dick.” </p><p>Kageyama did feel a little guilty that he was inflicting so much anxiety upon Yamaguchi but this was the perfect chance to get Tsukishima to atone for his sins. </p><p>Yamaguchi’s shoulders seemed to deflate with relief at his statement. Tsukishima was silent, as Yamaguchi reached out to him and said “You know I wanted you to apologize anyway..” </p><p>Tsukishima gave him a look “Shut up, Yamaguchi.”  Yamaguchi sighed with a quiet “Sorry, Tsukki” but he didn’t seem to be overly concerned with the situation, seemingly convinced that Tsukki would abide by the condition. </p><p>So both of them were taken by surprise whenTsukishima stepped forward and grabbed Kageyama’s wrist aggressively. </p><p>“You don’t even know what you are making me apologize for. Did Hinata even tell you why he’s here?”
 Tsukishima scoffed, taking Kageyama’s lack of response as a confirmation. “Of Course not, why would he? Who would trust someone like you?”<br/>
Before Kageyama could respond Tsukishima suddenly pulled down Kageyama’s sleeve revealing his bandaged wrist. </p><p>“So how about instead of keeping up this little hero act and blackmailing me I do you a favor instead. I’ll just pull down your sleeve in front of everyone and ask why you keep trying to hide your pathetic attempt at suicide, when it’s so painfully obvious that you hate yourself.”</p><p> </p><p> Kageyama felt all the blood drain from his face. His heart seemed to stuttur still with shock and he felt a sting of emotions cutting into him. His heart welled with shame, embarrassment, anger, belittlement, and fear. All his emotions seeped into a pool at the pit of his stomach leaving him dizzy and lightheaded. </p><p>His feelings were only amplified by the realization that this was probably exactly what Hinata had felt after Tsukishima’s earlier mockery. </p><p> </p><p>That final thought drove him over the edge and he lost his sense of self and control over his body. He was unable to keep up with the fire raging in his mind. His ears were ringing, he couldn’t seem to see straight, everything seemed to be moving in a blur around him. He knew Yamaguchi was trying to say something to him but all he could do was look at his hazy form dumbly. </p><p>Then there was movement, he watched deattachedly like a curious bystander from a distance, as fists pumbleted hard into Tsukishima’s unsuspecting face. He could hear Yamaguchi’s cries of alarm and his attempts to stop Kageyama, but he was beyond reach, his brain was in lockdown. All he could feel was the steady rhythm of his fists against flesh, until the distant echo of multiple pairs of shoes came running towards him.<br/>
He was abruptly brought back to reality with the cool sensation of cold tile on his sweaty face. Someone had pinned his arms behind his back rendering him immobile. As he slowly regained sense of his body, he was hit by a wave of nauseating pain coming from his now painfully twisted wrists. His heart was pounding a mile a minute and the dull ache in his head refused to subside. </p><p> </p><p>He could make out Yamaguchi’s frightened figure trying to calm down a seething Tsukishima, who was being held back by two nurses. His face was bloody, he had a busted lip and a rapidly swelling cheek, Kageyama couldn’t get himself to regret his actions. </p><p>Kageyama felt himself being hoisted off the ground, his hands still restrained, as he was led away. He could feel a trickle of blood dripping from his wrists leaving a bloody trail in his wake. As he was escorted through the common area his eyes briefly met Hinata’s before he abruptly looked away. He didn’t want to see Hinata’s look of disgust at the sight of the monstrosity that he was. Hinata seemed to have grasped the severity of the situation, his face was pale and his eyes wide with fear as they lingered on the blood dripping from Kageyama’s exposed wrist and bloodied knuckles. As Kageyama was led away he could hear Hinata come to life as his quick footsteps pounded after him. </p><p>“Wait! Where are you taking him? What’s going on...I need to know..Kageyama! Kageyama, are you ok? What happened? Kageyama ANSWER ME!” His loud voice was drowned out by the buzzing of the door as Kageyama was led out of the ward, not looking back to see Hinata’s small form shrink with abandonment as the door shut in his face.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Defeat</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I am sorry if the plot is progressing slowly, I always think I am going to add so much more to a chapter and then I already hit 2,000 words. But more action next time.<br/>As always thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kageyama sat in silence as he was accosted by a barrage of questions. The accusations and reprimands hung in the air, suffocating Kageyama with their heaviness. </p><p>He refused to give a proper explanation to Dr.Sugawara about the fight. His body refused to budge from his chair, having lost all willingness to move weighed down by earlier overexertion.  He didn’t have it in him to repeat what Tsukshima had said to him, he didn’t want to poison his tongue with cruel words of a bitter reality that had driven him mad. Despite deep hatred of Tsukishima, he would never expose his relationship with Yamaguchi. Kageyama might be an asshole, he might have been called emotional constipated more than once,  but he didn’t out people regardless of circumstance. </p><p> </p><p>So his lips remained locked shut by a combination of his own pride, stubbornness and anger. He focused his eyes elsewhere, in his attempt to distract himself from Dr.Sugawara’s scolding gaze. He stared blankly at  Dr.Sugawara’s desk, it was decorated with an assortment of various trinkets and knick knacks, the wall behind it was decorated with an assortment of letters and cards from previous patients. His little cactus plant looked well cared for, it’s small buds glistening with moisture. The nice wooden frame propped near the center of the desk caught Kageyama’s attention. The glossy photo intensified the glimmer of the silver haired Doctor’s smiling face, he looked much younger in the photo his eyes were younger, softer, less weighed down by experience and the wrinkles that came with it. Dr.Sugawara had his arm happily slung around the shoulder of a stocky brown haired man who had an equally kind smile and lively demeanor. The other man was turned ever so slightly facing Dr.Sugawara in the picture, he’s eyes indicated that he was undeniably smitten with the doctor. Kageyama was hit by a strong sense of déjà vu, the man looked very familiar, where had he seen him before? Then it hit him quite suddenly, and he cursed his diminished attention span, the man in the picture was the same nurse that had apprehended him earlier and taken him to the infirmary. </p><p>What was the nurses name again...Daichi?...the nurse had introduced himself as Sawamura Daichi. He had pinned Kageyama to the ground with extraordinary strength and fixed him with a frightening gaze warning him to try anything as he led him out of the ward by force. He had a foreboding presence that rivaled that of Kageyama’s father, he radiated a sense of authority. However, his intensity seemingly dissipated and was quickly replaced with concern, once his gaze fixated onto Kageyama’s injured wrist, which was leaving a bloody imprint on his scrubs.  As soon as they arrived at the infirmary Nurse Daichi anxiously began to perform first aid until a doctor arrived to examine his wrists.  </p><p>As Daichi gently peeled back Kageyama’s bandage, slowly revealing the gory site within, he could tell that Daichi was struggling to swallow down his revulsion in an attempt at professionalism. Daichi was clearly worried that he had exacerbated the injury, while manhandling Kageyama.  Kageyama was aware enough to hiss in pain as his injury was dabbed with disinfectant, but the sight of the jagged semi healed incision on his wrists didn’t repulse him. He was somewhat fascinated by how the shades of purple, red and blue starkly contrasted with pale skin leaving the combination quite striking, a grotesque palette of colors. Strangely enough the sight reminded him of how his arm would look after a particularly grueling day of practicing his receives. The bruises on his arms often stood as a testament of his dedication to his sprout, he would often soak himself in the shower after a long day observing the bruises with a sense of satisfaction. He found the resemblance between the two somewhat comforting.</p><p>Kageyama wasn't proud of his scars, if anything he was currently obsessed with hiding them. He knew he would have two twin scars branding him for the rest of his life. His mother had sighed disappointedly last time they met, kindly reminding him what a shame it was that he would be marred by ugly scars forever. He figured it was his punishment for failing his attempt, a gruesome reminder permanently carved into his very skin that would inevitably remind him of that day. After his wounds were thoroughly inspected and wrapped by another doctor, he was deemed to no longer be a violent threat and had been taken to Dr.Sugawara’s office. </p><p>Which was where he found himself, fixated on the photo of Dr.Sugawara and nurse Daichi, in an attempt to ignore his aggravating surroundings. </p><p>“Kageyama, what you did was a serious violation of the rules of this program and your treatment. Now you won’t even explain what happened and don’t look the least bit apologetic for your actions. Don’t you have anything to say?” Dr.Sugawara was quickly losing his patience with Kageyama’s distracted gaze and apathetic silence. Kageyama met Dr.Sugawara's eyes with disinterest, with his back slouched into his chair he remained mute. </p><p>“Tsukshmia decided not to file a complaint, which is very lucky for you because that would have led to your immediate expulsion from the program. Tsukshmia and Yamaguchi didn’t feel comfortable explaining what happened either, but you can’t all leave us in the dark. This type of behavior will not be tolerated at Karasuno. I was frankly shocked when I heard the news. You’ve been here for two weeks and you have made so much progress. You seemed to be getting along so well with everyone. So what happened, Kageyama?” </p><p>He had been here for two weeks already….</p><p>It had passed by faster than expected. </p><p>Progress.. Kageyama didn’t think that was the right word to describe him, he had regressed back to square one with his violent outburst. </p><p>Things would devolve the way they always did, he would be hated, gossiped about and shunned by the very people he had become comfortable around. </p><p>Kageyama’s temper was on a short fuse today, only cut shorter by Dr.Sugawara’s statement. He fought back against the childish desire to retaliate and failed. At least  he tried to go for sarcasm rather than releasing his rage on an undeserving victim. </p><p>“Dr.Sugawara...is Nurse Daichi your boyfriend or something?” He said nonchalantly pointing to the picture. “Didn’t really expect you to be the type to date a coworker, given how professional you are...especially since you are his superior” Kageyama’s tone was dripping with vengeful sarcasm. </p><p>Dr.Sugawara’s face went through and impossible amount of expressions in the span of a second.  His once rosy face turned pale, then an uncharacteristic shade of red, that seemed to reflect a strange combination of his embarrassment and anger. His face contorted in an attempt to compose itself, but it was too late he had risen to the bait, leaving kageyama the slightest bit satisfied.<br/>
“Kageyama, I am really disappointed in you right now. Since you don’t seem to be taking this conversation seriously or respecting my time, I will tell you what happens next. You are not being expelled from the program but you will have all your privileges revoked, that means no outside visits, phone calls, or participation in leisurely activities, such as playing volleyball.” Dr.Sugawara’s tone was cold and stern and so unlike his usual self.</p><p> He was disappointed in Kageyama….</p><p>He should join the club. There was a long list of members, the Kageyama is a big disappointment club was hardly exclusive, in fact he was pretty sure he was the president of said club.<br/>
Despite his nonchalant attitude, humorous disregard,  it hurt to hear Dr.Sugawara’s cold voice seeping with disappointment. Why was he so shocked? Ofcourse Kageyama would fuck things up, hadn’t he read his file? </p><p>He wanted to blame Dr.Sugawara but at the end of the day he blamed himself, he shouldn’t have let Dr.Sugawara’s kindness affect him, it had only caused him more pain in the long run.<br/>
He had learned through his plethora of experiences, that he should never lay down his armour and trust an adult. Especially adults who spouted nonsense about progress and getting better, the particular subset of people Dr.Sugawara belonged to that promised to support him no matter what, were the most dangerous of all. They would all give up on him when he inevitably messed everything up, that’s just the way it worked. He didn’t know why his heart ached and his fists clenched with emotion. He found himself reprimanding himself...echoing thoughts of self dismissal and reassurance that he was fine, but the bitter taste of betrayal plaguing his tongue begged to differ. </p><p>Finally Dr. Sugawara took a deep breath and looked intently at Kageyama. “I understand that being here isn’t easy, and that you have been working on your emotional control. I believe that you can do better, that’s why I am taking this so seriously.” His voice had lost its cold edge but it wasn’t necessarily warm either. </p><p>Kageyama’s desire to vocalize his opinions about his feelings or the situation had long evaporated. His eyes remained focused on the photo on the desk, as if it were the key to escaping the room and solving all his problems. He wondered what it would be like to have memories that he cherished so much that he would want to immortalize them in picture form and hang for the world to see. </p><p>“The last thing I have to tell you is that you are expected to apologize to Tsukishima for your actions.” </p><p>Kageyama’s body reacted so viscerally, his stomach clenching so violently that he felt sick. This was the ultimate sick twist of fate, the universe really did hate him, he had to apologize to that dick. He wanted to seethe with anger but instead he forced himself into resignation, all of it was pointless.  He bit his tongue, he had been committed to his vow of silence, he wasn’t going to break it when this torturous session was almost over. </p><p>He nodded his head in defeat and Dr.Sugawara slowly rose walking with a sense of resignation of his own, as he took Kageyama back to the ward.<br/>
Kageyama headed straight to his room, not wanting to run into anyone. He decided that he would sleep away the rest of the day, in order to avoid Hinata and any inevitable questions. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Kindness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, this chapter ended up being way longer than intended and I didn't even get to the plot line i wanted to, oh well i hope you all enjoy it :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next morning Kageyama walked into the cafeteria with dread weighing down his every step. He had been forced out of bed by one of the nurses despite his protests. He avoided all eye contact as he made his way to an empty table, attempting to sit as quietly as he could muster. Before he was fully seated his ears were accosted with the sound of scraping chairs, he looked up in bewilderment only to realize that Noya, Tanaka, and Hinata were balancing their trays with one hand as they drew chairs to his table. Their once filled table now laid abandoned as an awkward Asahi sheepishly followed his way over to join them. Kageyama was unsure what to say, he was apprehensive about the reason for their sudden migration. Luckily, he didn’t get the chance to dwell much before all three boys burst out speaking, all vying for his attention, talking all at once.</p><p>“Kageyamaaaaaa….are you ok? I was so scared when I saw them take you! AHHHHH how could you ignore me like that? Did you get into trouble? I was so worried you wouldn’t come back and that we would never see you again!” Hinata whined at him loudly, his large brown eyes filled with worry, an unusually thoughtful look painted on his small face.</p><p>“Yeah you should have seen him, he wouldn’t stop fidgeting and bouncing around talking about you. He was a mess...I thought he was gonna cry..” Tanaka began to say loudly, gesturing with his spoon, sending small bits of apple sauce everywhere. Before he could continue describing Hinata’s distress he was punched in the shoulder by a blushing Hinata, who pouted in displeasure.</p><p>“Forget that,” Noya interjected, unwilling to let the conversation go on without his contribution. “Why the hell did you beat up Tsukishima? I mean I can already think of plenty of good reasons why. I am sure he deserved it, not gonna lie seeing him looking so pissed was super satisfying. But I still want to know what went down?” Noya peered at him like an excited puppy waiting for his favorite toy.</p><p>Kageyama was overwhelmed by his sense of disbelief. They were worried? Hinata almost cried? Noya thought he did the right thing? They didn’t blame him for what happened? They didn’t think he was out of control? malicious? Selfish?</p><p>Kageyama hadn’t realized how strongly he thirsted for care, until he was drenched with kindness and friendship. His parched body couldn’t handle so much of what he had long been denied, especially when it rained down on him all at once.</p><p>He choked up, unable to formulate words, his mouth felt like sand, his brain drowned in the implications of the friendly presence at his table.</p><p>Asahi, noticing his state, timidly interjected, “Guys, give him a chance to breathe...you are overwhelming him.” It was the most assertive Asahi had been in his whole two weeks here.</p><p>Everyone looked at Asahi in surprise, he was hardly the type to interject, Hinata gave him a large suprised smile, Noya gave him a thumbs up. Asahi blushed lightly retreating into his usual silence.</p><p>All the commotion from his table seemed to have caught the attention of the only other occupied table across the room. The table which hosted Tsukishima, Yamaguchi and a miserable looking Oikawa.</p><p>Kageyama’s eyes briefly met with Tsukishima, his bruises had regressed into a purplish color, at least his face wasn’t swollen anymore. Tsukishima glared at him with a look of disgust, he Tsked and pointedly looked away, Yamaguchi gave him a look that was an odd mixture of apologetic and frightened before gazing back down at his uneaten food.</p><p>Kageyama’s gaze found its way back to his table. To his surprise he found Noya, Hinata, and Tanaka, three of the loudest people he had ever happened on, quietly waiting for him to speak.</p><p>Although they seemed to have reached the limit of their patience, Hinata looked like he was going to pop the bubble of silence any second, his hands fidgeting with his utensils and his teeth grinding down on his soft lips in anticipation of Kageyama's words.</p><p>Kageyama sighed, furrowing his brows. “I am fine, I am not getting kicked out or anything but they are forcing me to apologize to Tsukishima.” All three of them made faces of disgust, even non confrontational Ashai flinched with displeasure. </p><p>Noya, unable to wait any longer, jumped in his seat with excitement. “But you didn’t tell us what happened? I love a good fight story, you looked like you got some good hits in! Also why was Yamaguchi there?”</p><p><br/>
Kageyama’s heart began to race, shit, he scrambled to formulate a convincing story but his mind came up blank, why hadn't he thought this through beforehand? He had expected everyone to shun him, and wouldn't have dreamt of being asked his side of the story. </p><p>He began to speak unsure of his words as he said them.</p><p>“He just said some really stupid shit about me and I couldn’t stand listening ot him anymore after he provoked me.” He sounded so unconvincing even to himself. </p><p>There was a brief silence, Noya looked disappointed at his vagueness, and Hinata didn’t look convinced. They clearly thought there was a lot more to the story and that Kageyama was lying to them. He waited for the accusations to begin, all fingers pointing his way for lack of a better story. </p><p>Instead Tanaka gave Noya and Hinata a pointed look and they settled down grumpily into their seats, decidedly not pushing Kageyama further on the issue. </p><p>Hinata recovered from his grumpiness rather quickly, fixing his eyes on Kageyama again.</p><p>“Well I am soooo glad you are back, Bakayama!” Hinata exclaimed.</p><p>Kageyama did a double take at his new nickname, noticing his shock Hinata stuck his tongue out in mockery. “You don’t like your new nickname Bakayama?”</p><p>Kageyama scoffed dismissively at Hinata, while simultaneously avoiding his eyes.</p><p>Kageyama was secretly overjoyed, not that he would ever let it show. He was struggling to maintain his facade of displeasure.</p><p>This was the first time he was given a nickname out of fondness rather than spite. He would take Bakayama over King of the court any day, especially if it came out of a certain redheads mouth with a laugh.</p><p>That’s when remembered he should probably tell Hinata about his punishment and how it effected him. </p><p>“Oh...Also I can’t play any volleyball with you or participate in any of the fun activities.” He said with a resigned sigh, “Sorry.”</p><p>“Awwww….what? No fair! That’s not right, I can’t believe Dr.Sugawara would do that.” Hinata said with a deep scowl. He furrowed his eyebrows in contemplation, his forehead wrinkled with the effort. 

He clenched his fist with anger, “Aghhh you know I am tired of putting up with Tsukishima’s shit. Don’t worry Kageyama I got your back! I won’t let him mess with you anymore.”<br/>
He paused a minute clearly thinking and then continued on, “I know! I can go with you when you apologize! I’ll be your wingman.” Hinata said with determination, his fist raised in the air in a declaration of support.</p><p>Tanaka's uproarious laugh filled the room, "Hinata, that's not what wingman means." Hinata looked at him with genuine confusion, "Then what does it mean? Why are you all laughing?" </p><p>As the group laughed at Hinata's expense and Hinata challenged Tanaka to fight him, Kageyama was once again in his head. </p><p>Hinata never failed to surprise and confuse Kageyama, why was he so worked up? It’s not like this really affected him beyond limiting his chances of having a volleyball partner. Why did he feel committed to helping Kageyama out?</p><p>“Why would you do that?” Kageyama found himself asking abruptly, interrupting the playful mood with his serious tone. </p><p>Hinata looked at him, his eyebrows arched in surprise, and then he unexpectedly began to laugh.</p><p>The twinkling melody filling the room, and Kageyama stared at him in exasperation.</p><p><br/>
“Why? Bakayama, why do you have to overthink everything! It’s because we are friends, duh... it’s just what you do when you care about someone.” Hinata said with a large unabashed smile on his face, Tanaka affectionately fluffed Hinata’s hair, “That’s right you tell him, Hinata.”</p><p>Kageyama’s face turned beetroot red, he found himself at a loss of words, managing to spurt out, “Dumbass, you are so embarrassing, who even says stuff like that?” Before hastily stuffing his bagel into his face to avoid confronting his feelings.</p><p>Noya and Tanaka shared a knowing look, Noya giggling to himself mischievously, until Asahi shook his head at him and Noya immediately went silent.</p><p>“So when are you going to apologize? You should just get it over with as soon as possible so you don’t have to stress later. Let’s formulate a battle plan!” Hinata whopped loudly.</p><p>Kageyama wasn’t sure about the effectiveness of a plan that Tsukishima could hear, from where he was located two tables away. Kageyama knew that Hinata was clearly not the type to abide by logic, rather he followed his heart and instinct no matter what. His spontaneity, genuineness and loyalty left Kageyama enamoured and wanting to soak up his kindness to wash out his own stains of habit. He wanted to cleanse his mind of distrust, cynicism and over-calculated actions, with Hinata’s presence he would allow himself to think it was possible.</p><p> </p><p>_______________________________________________</p><p> </p><p><br/>
Hinata stood next to him, chest puffed up in a failed attempt at exuding a threatening aura. Kageyama thought it made him look incredibly endearing.</p><p>All thoughts of Hinata were pushed aside when he saw Tsukishmia’s tall form heading towards the exit, Yamaguchi at his side as always.</p><p>He called out to Tsukishima before he could exit the now abandoned cafeteria.</p><p>They had bided their time until Yamaguchi was done eating, knowing Tsukishima wouldn’t leave without him.</p><p>They watched Tsukishima nod his head to Yamaguchi to go on without him. Yamaguchi looked to Kageyama, his large brown eyes begging him to behave, Kageyama gave him a non committal nod, impatient to get this over with.</p><p>Yamaguchi discreetly squeezed Tsukishima’s hand, whispering something that didn’t reach Kageyama’s ears. He took a final concerned parting glance and walked out.</p><p>Kageyama was incredibly grateful for Hinata, his presence emanated comfort and support. Hinata's arms were crossed at his chest, his mouth was set in a deep frown, his brown eyes stretched wide open in unnatural gaze glaring daggers at Tsukishima. As Tsukishima approached the pair, Hinata stepped closer to Kageyama, his shoulder bumping him gently and remaining connected at his side. It was Hinata's nonverbal reassurance of his comradery.</p><p>Tsukishima cleared his throat and looked at Kageyama pointedly, gesturing with his hand as if to say get on with it. 

Kageyama gritted his teeth in frustration. “I am here to apologize for punching you.”</p><p>Tsukishima tapped his foot impatiently pretending to be annoyed by how incompetently slow Kageyama was, but Kageyama could sense the tension lining his body. This gave Kageyama some satisfaction, Tsukishima was somewhat afraid of Kageyama’s unpredictability.</p><p>“Well I am sorry for hitting you...that's all I have to say.” He said firmly, glaring intensely at the floor, his head bowed in mock apology.</p><p>There he had done it! He sighed with relief, he didn’t want to stretch this conversation out any longer than he had too. He turned to Hinata but before a word could cross his lips, Tsukishima interrupted.</p><p>Tsukishima scoffed. “What kind of lame ass apology was that?”</p><p>Kageyama felt his anger building, he clenched his fist burrowing it into his side in anger. He had to remain in control, his nails bit into his palm until he drew blood. He focused on the pain in his palm and the ache in his wrist to keep him focused. He was so tempted to let his fists talk for him.

He felt a small presence gravitate towards him and before he knew it Hinata had grabbed his enclosed fist. His hand was pitifully small and soft in comparison with Kageyama’s rough long fingers.Yet Hinata squeezed Kageyama's hand so tightly that he could tell that Hinata's strength was no joke. He continued to tighten his grip until Kageyama gave in and his fist unfurled, unraveling itself into Hinata’s palm.</p><p>Hinata’s gaze did not stray from intently glaring at Tsukishima’s tall form with the ferocity of a small cat facing a lion. Kageyama was thrown off balance by Hinata’s hand wrapped around his, hyper aware of how easily their hands fit together. Hinata had him literally in his hands, his soft, warm and protective embrace. 

Somehow all his anger dissolved, his mind unable to comprehend anything beyond Hinata's touch.</p><p>Howver, it became apparent that Hinata's warm and comforting presence didn't extend to Tsukishima. Hinata addressed him in a stern tone, filled with reprimand.</p><p>“He apologized. He got punished. What more do you want from him?” </p><p>“You don’t have to be such an asshole you know! We are all struggling in this place! Just because you're depressed doesn’t give you an excuse to be an asshole. You don’t get to hurt people like that...” His hands began to shake with his effort, Kageyama squeezed them tightly surprised by Hinata's fragility.</p><p>“You have to deal with the consequences of your words. You enjoy hurting people because you're hurting...I get it...I really do. I’ve wanted to hurt other people so so so badly for what they did and said to me and I did! But you know I just continued to feel miserable and empty because I only felt worse about myself.” Hinata stopped to take a breath, his eyes fixed on the ground in an attempt to hold back the tears boiling their way through him, at risk of overflowing.</p><p>He pushed through growling at Tsukishima, “Next time you feel like being an asshole come talk to me instead, ok? I am not saying I can fix everything but if I can get you to stop from hurting others I don’t mind. You can come say whatever you want to me until you’ve let it all out. Then you’ll realize you have nothing left when you let go of your anger, you’ll feel so empty inside because you burned yourself up.” His voice had lost it's edge and gradually grew softer.</p><p>“But guess what Tsukishima, I’ll still listen to you even if you were an asshole to me, and so will Yamaguchi -God knows why-, but we will listen to you. Ok?” Hinata finished his passionate monologue short of breath, his face flushed with emotion, his orange curls standing with his electric intensity, little flecks of hazel ember glistening in the depth of his brown eyes.</p><p>His hand clutched so tightly around Kageyama's that he was starting to lose circulation.</p><p>Kageyama didn’t dare let go, this time Hinata needed reassurance and he would show him that he would be there in his moment of vulnerability.</p><p>Kageyama and Tsukishima both stood in silence, the only sound to be heard was that of Hinata’s breathing.</p><p>Kageyama didn’t know how Tsukishima would react, but he vowed to protect Hinata from anything and everything Tsukishima would throw his way.</p><p>Hinata was only here because of him, but beyond that Kageyama felt a strong innate desire to shield Hinata from the harshness of the world.</p><p>He wanted Hinata to skate through life unblemished and unbroken. He regretfully acknowledged that he was far to late, Hinatas’s life had tripped him up long ago if it landed him here.</p><p><br/>
Another beat of silence passed and Tsukishima continued to fix Hinata with a quizzical gaze and an unreadable frown.</p><p>When he finally spoke all he said was, “You are really something Hinata.” His voice was emotionless, leaving it unclear whether he meant it as an insult or a compliment, the way his body seemed to relax after speaking indicated that is more likely the latter.</p><p>Then without another word Tsukishima turned and walked out of the cafeteria with an unbothered gait, as if extracting himself from a perfectly normal conversation, letting the door slam shut behind him. </p><p>Hinata's face was frozen in shock, he had not expected Tsukishima’s non-chalant attitude toward his lecture, he really had been ready to take a punch for what he said.</p><p>He shook his head, his curls bouncing around playfully, as he recovered.</p><p>He looked up at Kageyama, a slow smile painting its way across his face, he whooped suddenly raising their joint hands into the air in victory.</p><p><br/>
“We did it Kageyama! We did it, Bakayama!” and to Kageyama’s absolute shock Hinata grabbed Kageyama and hugged him tightly.</p><p>His eyes scrunched shut, and his arms clasped tightly around Kageyama, unwilling to let go.</p><p>Kageyama stood there stiffly unsure of himself, he rarely hugged anyone, he was not well versed in the etiquette of physical affection as a whole.</p><p>As he stood there his face began heating up at Hinata's proximity.</p><p>Hinata’s head only reached his chest, he could probably hear the raging pace of Kageyama’s heart, at least he couldn't see his face.</p><p>With a deep breath Kageyama slowly let himself melt into the hug, he raised his hands awkwardly unsure of their placement, before he settled them on Hinata’s nest of hair.</p><p>He had secretly always wanted to touch the boisterous curls. He had pondered if they were as soft and silky as they looked.</p><p>He found himself entangling his hands into a mess of hair, admiring the intermingling shades of red, orange and brown, layered artistically over on another.</p><p>He was suddenly aware of Hinata’s aroma wafting through the air, it clawed at the conflicting feelings in Kageyama’s heart.</p><p>He found himself inhaling a  soothing meld of cinnamon, vanilla and Hinata’s personal smell, the smell to say the least was intoxicating.</p><p>He felt Hinata shift away beneath him as Kageyama’s hands began to card through his hair. Kageyama took a quick breath of suprise at Hinata’s movement, quickly letting go in embarrassment.</p><p>He was so ashamed of himself for giving in to his desires. He tried to quell his rising panic only to be disrupted by Hinata looking up at him teasingly “I don’t mind you touching my hair, Bakayama, unless you make it messy!” He said while playfully prodding Kageyama. "Let's get going!" He commanded.  </p><p>Kageyama, usually quick with a scathing reply, found himself unable to formulate one. He stood there awkwardly watching as Hinata hummed an unknown tune to himself, and bounced his way over to the door. 

He looked back at Kageyama, his head tilted to the side with inquisition. Kageyama realizing he was just standing and staring, spurred himself into action. He moved forward surpassing Hinata, only to have Hinata shout in protest and run down the hall after him, challenging him to a race to their room.</p><p>Kageyama watched Hinata fly ahead leaving a flash of orange in his wake. The smell of Hinata’s hair lingered in the air and as he stopped to inhale, he realized he was screwed. He knew the intoxicating smell and the boy it belonged to had burned their way into his thawing heart.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Dreams and Reality</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Helllloooo, it took me longer than usually to write this because it's twice as long as most chapters! Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kageyama dreamt of volleyball that night. He was in an unfamiliar court reaching out for a ball that was within his grasp, only for it to disappear into a haze of smoke as soon as he touched it. The dream was a tortuous repetition of his desperate struggle to reach the ball. He watched it disappear, over and over again. He spent what felt like hours chasing the ball across the unknown court to no avail, before his dream morphed into something else.</p><p>He was now in the midst of a heated game against a high school rival, surrounded by his former teammates. Yet somehow, Hinata was his team’s middle blocker. He gave Kageyama a thumbs up as the second set began, and ran energetically to his position.</p><p>Dream Kageyama ran onto the court, he prepared himself to set an oncoming ball. His nimble fingers knowledgeably received the ball. As he made his quick calculation of where to send the ball, he heard Hinata in the distance calling out to send the ball his way.</p><p>Tobio hesitated with fear for a second, his teammates betrayal still vivid in his memory, this angered Hinata, “Bakayama, why do you have to overthink everything?! We are friends, toss it to me, I am here, I will catch it no matter what!” Without another thought Kageyama set the ball towards Hinata’s running figure.</p><p>He watched in awe as Hinata leapt impossibly high, he was seemingly flying in the air, his long eyelashes fluttering shut, his mouth set into a small satisfied smile. His hair was a halo of flying tangled curls, his legs bent backward and his arm in position ready to strike Kageyama’s ball. Kageyama’s heart beat impossibly fast at the sight above him, Hinata’s hair caught the ceiling lights as he reached his highest point in his jump. His hair burst into a flame of electrified red strands, enhanced by the contrast with the black of his uniform. Kageyama had set his fastest toss, the toss they mockingly called the “King’s Toss” due it’s impossible speed.</p><p>As Kageyama watched, he knew that Hinata was the spark he had long awaited, he was there to maintain --no enhance the balls fiery path--, never letting the ball’s flame extinguish. Kageyama had been waiting for him, a middle blocker that could match his fire, since he began playing volleyball all those years ago.</p><p>Time seemed to slow, seconds extending into minutes as Hinata’s palm hit the ball with a resounding thunk, his small arms were charged with such incredible force. Kageyama was breathless as he realized that Hinata had completely surrendered himself to Kageyama’s fast pass, his body stretched midair not weighted down with distrust or doubt in Kageyama. The resounding thud of the ball exploding across the court forced time to tick again.</p><p>The whole court remained blanketed with silence, all eyes focused on the ball buried in the opposite side of the court. However, Kageyama only had eyes for Hinata’s falling figure, he landed effortlessly, his invisible wings fluttering to a close as his sneakers gracefully touched the floor. He turned to Kageyama, his smile so large it left no room for open eyes, his orange freckles stretched across his face in constellations of joy. Hinata’s eyes met his, he reached out for him as he called out,“We did it Kageyama! We did it Bakayama…..</p><p>Kageyama,</p><p>Hey Kageyama..</p><p>wake up...Kageyamaaaa come on...</p><p>Kageyama opened his eyes in confusion, lost somewhere in between unconsciousness and reality. He made out a hazy figure standing above him, he blinked groggily, “Hinata?” He recognized the lithe silhouette of the smaller boy, lingering by his bed.</p><p>“Yes, Bakayama, who else would it be!” Hinata’s voice radiated distress. Kageyama forced his eyes to stay open, stifling a yawn. Hinata was barely illuminated by the dim light coming in from an outside street lamp. Yet, Kageyama could tell that something was very wrong, Hinata was frowning and anxious, jumping from one foot to another, such a contrast from the Hinata Kageyama had just left behind in his dream.</p><p>Hinata didn’t give him anymore time to wake up, “Kageyama I am really sorry, but I need you to come to the bathroom with me...Please.” He hung his head low as he pleaded with Kageyama. His hands clasped together desperately, as he refused to meet Kageyama’s eyes.</p><p>“Huh?? Why?” was all Kageyama managed to croak out, as he finally sat up in his bed, allowing his blanket to fall forward. He was suddenly hit by the very uncomfortable realization that he had just been dreaming of the boy who now stood in front of him.</p><p>His whole body flushed. what was wrong with him? He sent a quick glance Hinata’s way, what if Hinata had heard him? He racked his brain trying to remember if he had ever been told that he spoke in his sleep? He gulped with his lack of recollection. His guilt forced him out of bed to distract him from his inappropriate thoughts.</p><p>“Kageyama...Please don’t make me tell you why...can you please just come with me right now.” Hinata’s voice was filled with so much desperation, his pleading tone so unlike himself. Kageyama was startled by the tears that shone in his eyes. “Please” he mumbled once more. “I would ask the counselor of night duty but I’ve been bothering them a lot at night and sometimes they fall asleep and even though they aren’t supposed to, but I feel bad about waking them up.”</p><p>Kageyama felt like such an asshole, here he was obsessing about some stupid dream, when Hinata was struggling right in front of him. Hinata had always been there to support him, with no questions asked. Why had Kageyama even questioned him? Clearly Hinata was in distress and all Kageyama could do was selfishly obsess over his feelings.</p><p>He reached for Hinata’s shoulder, steadying his shaking form with a slow steady grasp, “Hey.. I am sorry, let’s go, I promise I won’t ask anything.” His voice was gentle, his touch soft and soothing, he was really worried about Hinata. His mind couldn’t help but imagine all the possible scenarios that had caused Hinata’s distress, all of them were quite concerning.</p><p>He shuffled into some slippers with Hinata anxiously tethered to his side. He waited for Hinata to move towards the door, but he didn't take a step, looking expectantly at Kageyama instead. Kageyama sighed, opening the door to begin their expedition through the halls to the bathroom. The eerie green light of the emergency exit sign greeted them in the hallway, he shivered, noticing they were now both cloaked in a shadow of murky green.</p><p>Hinata shuffled right behind him, he suddenly stumbled with a squeak of fear. He grabbed onto the back of Kageyama’s hoodie, pressing against him unwilling to loosen his grasp. Kageyama’s heart acched, he couldn’t stand to see Hinata in such a fearful state.</p><p>With a rush of confidence he reached up, unclasped Hinata’s hand from his hoodie and held it closely in his hand instead, mimicking Hinata’s actions from earlier in the day. This seemed to ease Hinata’s anxiety slightly, he huffed out a breath, calming himself slightly. He braved a couple steps forward, until he stood next to Kageyama with determination. Hinata looked up at him bleakly with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. Kageyama squeezed his hand and moved them forward until they entered the bathroom together.</p><p>As his slippers stepped onto the cold tile they triggered the automatic lights. Hinata startled, his hands shaking slightly. They were left to confront their reflection in the row of mirrors on either side of the bathroom walls. He could see his own messy bedhead and groggy expression reflected endlessly, in the mirrors.</p><p>Hinata’s anxious, pale face, and his shaking form were infinitely magnified, each reflection rendering him smaller and weaker than the last. Hinata’s eyes glazed over in the mirror, as if his soul had discarded his body, he stood frozen like some detached mannequin. Unfortunately, Kageyama had become uncomfortably familiar with the sight of a dissociated Hianta and had seen others bring him back.</p><p>Kageyama brought up their joint hands to his chest forcing Hinata to unglue his eyes from his frightened reflection. Some life returned to him as he stared down at the floor unwilling to meet Kageyama’s gaze.</p><p>Kageyama laced his fingers into Hinata’s, squeezing his small fingers slightly. He used his other hand to clasp Hinata’s chin and gently raise his head up to meet his worried gaze. Hinata’s eyes betrayed his every emotion, they were filled with tears of fear. His teeth bit down into his lips, stopping the emotions from leaking out. He left deep indentation marks of shame marring his lips. As Hinata struggled to maintain his composure, Kageyama began to comfort him. “Hey...it’s ok, I am here and I won’t go anywhere, it’s ok, whatever you are scared of, I am going to be by your side, I won’t let anything hurt you.” The tenderness and concern in his own voice surprised him, it was so unlike himself.</p><p>Hinata didn’t respond, he stood there shaking for a moment before he let out a sob and released his dam of tears, flooding the bathroom with the sound of his sorrow. He let his tears etch rivers and streams down his face, his body heaving with sobs. Kageyama’s hand gently stroked his tear streaked cheeks as he murmured words of comfort. Hinata reached out for Kageyama, and he met Hinata where he stood, wrapping him in a tight protective embrace.</p><p>Hinata finally let himself come undone, melting into a gasping mess, burying himself deep into Kageyama’s chest. Hinata’s tears drenched Kageyama’s t-shirt with too much sorrow for such a small boy. He felt his heart break for the boy in his arms, he willed his body soak up Hinata’s distress. He rubbed his hands soothingly across his back, placed his head gently atop Hinata’s head engulfing him completely, whispering out a constant stream of promises of safety and help. They stood there in a warm, wet embrace. Kageyama ignored Hinata’s hair tickling his face and the sticky consistency of the snotty residue on his shirt. His arms, mind and heart were completely occupied with Hinata.</p><p>With time Hinata’s ragged breathing calmed down as his sobs came at slower intervals. He refused to move away from Kageyama’s embrace. He continued to take long deep heavy breaths that sent shivers up Kageyama’s spine as he felt every puff of air against his skin.</p><p>Kageyama was startled by Hinata’s sudden weak laugh, he was rubbing his cheek against Kageyama, using him to wipe away the remaining tears on his cheek, “I made you so wet and snotty, Thank you for being my tissue.” He said with a teary voice. Kageyama sighed with pretend exasperation, but then more than gently ruffled Hinata’s hair, “It’s ok I don’t mind being your personal handkerchief.” A comfortable silence enveloped them, and exhaustion began to weigh them down.</p><p>As much as Kageyama was enjoying their hug, he worried he would fall asleep standing up.</p><p>He found himself awkwardly clearing his throat. “Ummm...so did we come to the bathroom to hug, or did you have something else you wanted to do here? I mean I don’t mind if it was for the scenery, but just thought I would make sure.” Hinata punched him playfully, finally stepping back from him with a small smile on his face, “I’ve been holding it in for so long you are lucky I didn’t accidentally pee on you, Bakayama.” He said sarcastically. He was beginning to sound more like himself.</p><p>Kageyama wrinkled his nose with disgust “No, thanks. I think I’ve had enough of your bodily fluids for one day.” He joked gesturing to his wet shirt, only for Hinata to fix him with a mischievous glance. “You sure you don’t want more?” He winked at Kageyama, who upon understanding the dirty implication found himself sputtering and red. Hinata simply laughed at him, shaking his head.</p><p>The joke didn’t stop Kageyama from noticing that Hinata kept glancing towards the nearest stall, some of his earlier hesitation intermingled with fear returning to his face. Kageyama cleared his throat, his cheeks coloring slightly, “Do you want me to come with you...I can close my eyes or something?” He said awkwardly, unsure of himself, now that he thought about it, why did he always end up in bathrooms in compromised situations with others?</p><p>Hinata fixed him with a gentle appreciative look, “Bakayama...I appreciate it but I can do this by myself, it’s just harder in the dark…” Kageyama nodded with understanding.There was a distant look in his eyes, his face was still slightly pale. He took a breath and walked with a haunted look in his eye, going into the nearest stall and slamming the door behind him with determination. <br/>
<br/>
Kageyama was left to stand awkwardly, shuffling his feet, his hands in his pocket in an attempt to retain what remained of Hinata’s warmth.</p><p>He found his sleepy thoughts kept circling back to what could have possibly traumatized Hinata this badly, he had a really bad feeling about it. He found that he was clutching his fist tightly just thinking about anyone hurting Hinata. He knew better than to broach the topic with Hinata, it was his story to share if he felt comfortable doing so. Is this what Tsukishima meant when he said Hinata didn’t trust him? Did this have to do with Tsukishmia’s earlier comment about Hinata pissing himself?</p><p>He frowned; he shouldn’t be trusting anything that asshole said. Hinata wouldn’t have asked him to accompany him if he didn’t trust him.</p><p>He absentmindedly stared at bathroom sinks, they reminded him of the ones in his high school bathroom. His stomach churned with anxiety at the familiarity.</p><p>Everytime Kageyama thought about school he was overpowered with such an overwhelming sense of self hatred. He had missed so much school that he was going to end up graduating a semester late, that is if he graduated at all. He would be lagging behind everyone, all alone, enduring another semester of high school torture.</p><p>Then there was the dread of facing everyone, if he ever got out of this place. He wouldn’t survive the probing questions of where he had been, from people who were only pretending to care. As he picked at his cuticles in distress an even worse fear occurred to him, what if they already know about his attempt. They must be disappointed that he was still alive, he thought as he ripped off a cuticle watching the satisfying bright red blood pooling into a bubble. They had to deal with crabby Kageyama again, they probably wished he was dead.</p><p>He glared at his reflection in the mirror, hating the pale, exhausted, broken boy looking back at him, he resisted the urge to shatter the mirror with his fist. A web of broken bloody glass, would be a better representation of him than his actual reflection. He took a depth breadth, he couldn’t scare Hinata like that, he wasn’t here to make this more difficult for him.</p><p>If only his brain agreed, he was already imagining his teachers, counselors and relatives all asking what happened to his promising future in professional volleyball. He knew that festering deep inside his past laid an incredibly passionate Kageyama, who worked himself to the bone with his love of volleyball and his dreams of an Olympic court.</p><p>The one thing his parents had ever praised him for was his dedication to volleyball, that had made him even more set on being the best as a child. He had eventually realized that they didn’t particularly care, they never showed up to a single one of his games.</p><p>Yet, he felt so distant from that Kageyama, he wasn’t sure he had ever been real. Had he even really cared about volleyball, besides using it to cope with the loss of his grandfather? He couldn’t be sure. He wasn’t sure he even knew himself at all, he couldn’t trust himself to know the answers to the most basic questions. What did he even care about anymore? What made him burn with raging passion? How did he end up being so careless and apathetic? There was such an exhausting checklist of things he should care about. How did everyone else deal with it? How could they go about their everyday lives finding so much meaning and joy in everything? How could they think about a job and think “ah yes that’s what I want to do for the rest of my life until I rot in the ground.“</p><p>What was the point of struggling so hard for something you didn’t care about, wasn’t it futile? He found himself remembering the volleyball he chased around in his dream. Life was a tiring race, everytime he jumped a hurdle, he realized what lay ahead was an infinite amount of hurdles. He had never wanted to be a part of this race. He only participated because it was expected of him, his parents had signed him up expecting him to win first place.</p><p>Every banal detail of his life was a part of an endless string of chores that he barely completed. He couldn’t help but judge himself for not meeting everyone else's expectations. He would always compare himself to everyone around him enjoying the race, finding joy at each hurdle. He should be like them. He should want what they want….but he didn’t, so why did he care?</p><p>The only thing he did with vigor anymore was pick himself apart looking for flaws, sifting among the wreckage to confirm that every single piece of him was useless. He knew if everyone knew the way he felt about the world they would find him pathetic, a failure of a human being.</p><p>After all wasn’t the purpose of life to find meaning, a purpose? He had failed the basic requirement, so of course it made sense that he wanted to die. He couldn’t bear to see how everyone else was able to move on, as he was stuck in a muddy swamp of quicksand like depression, sucking him deeper into the depths of his own self hatred.</p><p>His thoughts were cut short by the sound of flushing, the stall lock clacked and Hinata emerged looking a little calmer and slightly relieved.</p><p>Hinata established a fast pace moving towards the sinks to wash his hands hurriedly, nudging Kageyama to leave as soon as he was done. They both knew that night checks would be happening soon and it was frowned upon for both of them to be awake and talking. They walked back to their room in a comfortable silence, their fingers gently bumping into each other.</p><p>As they slipped into the room quietly, Hinata reached out to stop Kageyama before he could approach his side of the room. He looked up at him with a self conscious smile. “Thanks….you really helped me out...I don’t even know what I would have done tonight without you...Kageyama.” His eyes bore straight into Kageyama, his voice filled with something beyond appreciation.</p><p>Hinata never one to back down, laid his emotions bare for Kageyama to see in his large blown eyes.</p><p>They seemed to be tethered to the depth of his fiery soul. Kageyama could see his own deep blue eyes reflected in chocolate brown, and he hardly dared to breathe in fear of breaking the magic of the moment. He reached out slowly, and placed his hand against Hinata’s cheek, appreciating the warmth and softness of his full cheeks.</p><p>Hinata nuzzled his face into his large hand, humming in satisfaction at his touch, his curls brushing across the back of Kageyama’s hand like the tickle of a gentle breeze.</p><p>Kageyama felt his heart in his throat, Hinata was looking up at him with so much trust and admiration glistening in his eyes, and something else...something that was molten hot and raging within the embers of his brown eyes...desire. Hinata's intoxicating scent, and lust filled eyes fueled a fire in Kageyama’s core.</p><p>His eyes were captured by Hinata’s soft, pink lips.</p><p>He watched Hinata’s tongue dart out and lick them impatiently, adding to their glistening sheen.</p><p>Kageyama’s fingers made their way over to his lips, tracing over their plump wet shape slowly, committing their texture to memory.</p><p>Hinata parted his lips hungrily, pushing himself on his tiptoes reaching for Kageyama across the darkness that lay between them.</p><p>As Kageyama bowed down towards Hinata, he realized that maybe there was something, one thing, he desired with great passion.</p><p>He closed the gap between them and slowly nudged their lips together in a soft kiss, tangling his fingers into Hinata’s curls pushing the warmth of his body against him.</p><p>Hinata deepened their kiss and the night air around them vibrated with electricity, every hope, doubt and desire filling the night air around them.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you guys like the kiss :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Doubt</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for taking so long to update, I have been having a hard time writing :(<br/>I hope this chapter isn't too much inner monologue, I am still trying to find a good balance between that and conversations and events, so I hope you don't get bored.<br/>Thanks for reading. Next chapter will be longer!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kageyama couldn’t stop thinking about his kiss with Hinata. It had been a short lived moment of passion before they agreed to go to bed, hesitantly disentangling themselves.<br/>Kageyama would have loved to pass out with exhaustion, but his head was swimming in incomprehensible thoughts.</p><p>Maybe he was in denial and that’s why his first kiss kept replaying itself over and over again in his head. Then the barrage of insecurities and questions came. Did this mean Hinata liked him? What if he just did it because he thought he owed it to Kageyama for helping him? What if he was just so sleep deprived that he had accidentally kissed him? He cringed at the thought.</p><p>Thus began a restless night of tossing, turning and doubt. He tried to focus on the lingering tingling sensation in his lips. He finally drifted off to sleep, just missing the early sunlight rays creeping in through the window.</p><p>He woke up earlier than Hinata, in an attempt to avoid the inevitable awkwardness that would occur upon confronting their kiss in daylight. Kageyama was sure he would spontaneously combust of awkwardness if Hinata so much as looked at him. He felt himself flush just thinking about how much he wanted to kiss Hinata again, about how willing he had been to lose himself in Hinata’s embrace.</p><p><br/>He felt giddy, and light which made him feel ridiculous. Why was he blushing like some pre-teen with a crush?</p><p>This wasn’t his first encounter with crushes, he had been confessed to plenty of times. A decent amount of girls left him letters in his lockers or waited to accost him before volleyball practice to confess their feelings. He never understood why, but apparently he fell under the brooding and mysterious category that was attractive according to the girls in his year. He had always found them irritating and nothing more than a distraction from volleyball.</p><p>He understood that perhaps he wasn’t ugly, but did these girls actually know anything about him? He only felt the slightest bit of guilt when he rejected them all. He would often send them off in a fit of tears with a frown on his face, before bursting into the volleyball court to angrily spike balls into the wall to deal with his irritation. The other boys having overheard rejection after rejection, would shake their head in exasperation at how cold and unloving he was. He knew they would die for girls to ask them out, all they ever did in the locker room was talk about girls. He never felt inclined to participate, all this talking was time he could be using to practice.</p><p>At some point he had begun to feel polarized with his lack of interest in dating or girls, an outsider among boys his age. He had never found himself particularly inclined to think about his sexuality in terms of identity or labels. He knew that he definitely didn’t find men or the idea of having sex with them repulsive. He just never gave the thought much time, observing it in a neutral passive sort of way. Thinking about sexuality or attraction didn’t really come up in his everyday life as much as volleyball or self hatred.</p><p>He was so focused on one goal, that he found every other teenager's obsession with dating and relationships immature, bizarre and silly. He saw himself as being above such petty things as highschool crushes. It helped that he had never really been attracted to anyone both physically and emotionally. He took it as another sign that he was destined to be unlovable even when it came to a romantic relationship. He had simply shrugged at the thought and carried on with his volleyball, his one true love. His attitude towards relationships only served to fuel his reputation as the “King of the Court”, who thought he was too good for everyone inside and outside the court. Eventually girls stopped confessing, he had finally rejected enough of them that nobody dared approach the king of heartbreaks.</p><p>Yet, with Hinata everything was different, Kageyama felt something he couldn’t put into words. He hadn’t felt so strongly about anything in so long.</p><p>His life had been suffocated with a veil of apathy that had slowly eroded any sense of passion from his life. Thinking about Hinata caused a small plip in his heart, a weak pulse, a sign of his heart trying to revive itself. Hinata was everything pure in the world, he shined so bright that Kageyama had to look away. But even so, was it ok for Kageyama to stay by Hinata’s side? Kageyama was blinded by his kindness, sincerity and joy, he was the complete foil to Kageyama and he was whipped.</p><p>He found Hinata’s appearance alluring. No one would deny that Hinata’s appearance was charming, with his beautiful radiant hair, and his large brown eyes that opened so wide Kageyama’s whole universe was swallowed up in them.</p><p>The more Kageyama thought about his crush, the more he was overwhelmed with doubt and fear.</p><p>He hadn’t witnessed any healthy relationships while growing up. He felt at a loss as to how to approach his feelings when he had no one to guide him. All he knew were the things he should most definitely avoid. He was not likely to forget what an unhealthy relationship looked like when he had a looping visual of his parents shouting at one another late into the night. He knew that slamming doors, red faces flushed in anger rather than joy and the sound of shattering glass thrown in intimidation, weren’t signs of love.</p><p>For as long as he could remember his parents had despised each other. They were in a loveless marriage that had thoroughly corrupted Kageyama’s perception of love and commitment. He wasn’t even in a relationship with Hinata, and he found himself worrying that he would reenact his parents' fights and drive him away forever. Why would someone like Hinata put up with him? He sighed feeling the cold grasp of self hatred tighten its hold on his heart.</p><p>He had been so misguidedly hopeful in his sleepless state last night. He had thought that Hinata would want to date him, that he shared his sense of affection. Hinata might be physically attracted to him but there was no way he would like anything else about Kageyama. His exhaustion was magnified, weighed down with heartbreak.</p><p>He brushed his hands lightly over his lips, allowing himself to selfishly remember how Hinata’s lips had felt against his own. He got out of bed quietly, he was exhausted as he slowly changed his clothes and tiptoed out of the room towards breakfast.</p><p>Hinata arrived at breakfast thirty minutes after him, smiling brightly, his cheeks tinged a slight pink.</p><p>He plunged himself into the chair next to Kageyama with his usual energy.</p><p><br/>“Did you have a good night Kageyama?” Hinata asked nonchalantly as he pushed his straw into his juice box.</p><p>Kageyama choked on the milk he was drinking, coughing until milk erupted from his nose. Hinata laughed merrily as he pounded on his back, while Asahi looked at Kageyama with concern, afraid he would drop dead with how red his face was. Besides Hinata’s gentle teasing there was nothing out of the ordinary, the day passed by uneventfully, that is until group therapy came around...</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Did you all catch my cheesy HunterxHunter reference? I loveeee that anime so much<br/>sorry for the cliff hanger but I will update tomorrow, I decided to cut this chapter into two so that I could flesh out the next chapter more.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Family</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, here is another chapter, a bit longer yay!</p><p>I don't know why but I have somehow turned writing this fanfic from something i really enjoy and feel affirmed by to something that I can use to judge myself...lol what a Kageyama move on my end. I am finding it impossible to read other fanfics without comparing this one to them and ripping my writing a part. </p><p>But I promised i would update today sooo i am just posting this without forcing myself to read it over a lot so I am sorry in advance for the lack of edits!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Dr.Sugawara announced that today's session would be about family, everyone collectively groaned. Kageyama huffed from his plastic chair in their makeshift circle. He had enough anxiety circulating through his veins. His parents had already plagued his mind too much for one day, and he didn’t want them to give them any more of his mental space. He ran his hand through his silky black bangs attempting to relieve his oncoming headache. He prayed that he could get through this session without being forced to share, knowing Dr.Sugawara that didn’t seem likely.</p><p>Dr.Sugawara was undeterred by everyone’s negative attitude towards the topic and smiled eagerly at them as the session began. He divided them into pairs and encouraged them to write down and discuss what they struggle with the most when it comes to their relationship with their family. Dr.Sugawara randomly assigned the groups, Kageyama ended up paired with Yamaguchi of all people. He wasn’t sure if it was a blessing or a curse that he didn’t end up with Hinata.</p><p><br/>Yamaguchi gave him an anxious smile as they turned to face each other. He could feel Tsukishima’s eyes boring into his back, but he refused to turn around and acknowledge them.</p><p>Neither of them spoke for an awkward moment, Kageyama was clearly going to have to take the lead, “So...umm do you have something in mind? Honestly I don’t think I can narrow it down to one thing I struggle with.” He spoke hesitantly, he felt like he was doing some sort of stupid group project and he had never been good at those.</p><p><br/>Yamaguchi nodded in agreement, still not contributing anything. Kageyama could tell that it was going to be a long ten minutes. Kageyama settled on writing down that his relationship with his parents was distant and mutually uncaring. He wasn’t sure if that was enough to satisfy Dr.Sugawara. But to his own credit he was already fighting the desire to fall asleep in his chair.</p><p>He looked at Yamaguchi intently stare at what he had written down. The more he observed the boy, the more endearing he found him. His face was sprinkled with freckles thar bridged across his nose. Said nose was scrunched up in concentration as he scribbled anxiously onto his notebook.</p><p>After a few minutes of sitting in silence, both of them clearly having written anything they could think of, they began to share. Kageyama found himself comfortable enough with Yamaguchi that he briefly discussed how his parents were overly concerned about their public image, and often berated Kageyama about ruining the family name. He told him that his family was built upon solem dinners, furrowed brows and silent halls.</p><p>He swallowed back the desire to talk about his sister, his only other family member. He didn’t have the capacity to fully delve into his emotions when it came to her. His therapist had been trying to force the lid off of that topic almost every session now, but he adamantly slammed that pandora’s box shut, refusing to discuss his sister.</p><p><br/>After patiently hearing him out, and dishing out affirming nods, Yamaguchi finally cleared his throat and seemed to mentally prepare himself to share. He looked at Kageyama from under his bangs. His shoulders hunched over slightly with the weight of his thoughts and his bad posture. He began to speak in a quiet, yet gentle voice. He told Kageyama that he wrote about how he struggled with his parents inability to fathom his eating disorder.</p><p>He took a breath and braved on, his voice only slightly wavering, “They didn’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to eat or how a boy could be starving himself.”</p><p><br/>He said this to the floor more than to Kageyama. “They think that if eating disorders are real then they must only affect girls, because they are obsessed with their figures.”</p><p><br/>Kageyama nodded in sympathy, he couldn’t comprehend how shitty it was to have your mental health struggles denied because of your gender. Yamaguchi’s voice gained some strength as he went on, “It was mainly my dad who was super judgemental about it, and I can’t really fully blame him. He grew up really poor with limited resources, so having enough food was always a privilege to him.”</p><p><br/>Kageyama found himself respecting Yamaguchi’s ability to maintain so much sympathy for his father, when he had clearly inflicted so much pain and damage. Yamaguchi’s father thought he was just being a privileged brat, unsatisfied with his food, and yet Yamaguchi’s heart held no raging bitterness towards him.</p><p>Yamaguchi’s face was contorted into a solemn smile, that denied him looks of both joy and sadness, leaving him in a no mans land in between. His small frame radiated exhaustion more than anything. His willowy arms and delicate wrists clasped together in his lap. He was fragily constructed, as if the slightest gust of wind would dismantle the precariously balanced tower of cards that made up his body.</p><p>Kageyama found himself fully immersed in listening to Yamaguchi’s story, caring more than he ever thought possible. Yamaguchi’s parents' perceptions of eating disorders made Yamaguchi unable to discuss his struggles with his parents, along with being unable to consume their food. Yamaguchi went to great lengths to hide his limited eating, he would flush food down the toilet during meals, and give away his carefully packed lunches to people on the street.</p><p>He cringed at the memory of the trail of discarded food that paved the guilt leaden path of his anorexia.</p><p>“One of the worst parts was how guilty I felt for lying and wasting food that my dad always taught me to treasure. I would hate myself just thinking about how he would react everytime I threw something away.” Yamaguchi’s voice raised an octave as he wallowed in his guilt. Kageyama found himself squeezing the boy's shoulder in reassurance, not sure anything he could say would improve the situation.</p><p>“Things escalated when my parents ignored my counselors' multiple calls about how frail and thin I had become. My dad just told them I had always been scrawny. He tried to get me to “beef up” and be more manly. He even bought protein powder.” Yamaguchi laughed as he remembered, and Kageyama found himself gently smirking at the sweet sound. “It was ridiculous, he was trying to get me into bodybuilding by watching reality T.V. wrestling, but the whole time I was just throwing away everything he gave me.”</p><p><br/>His voice took on a more somber tone. “Shit hit the fan when I collapsed in the middle of the gym and had to be hospitalized. I don’t really remember much. I just remember feeling more lightheaded and dizzy than usual. Then I woke up in the hospital with my parents looking at me in shock. Like they never saw it coming” He fidgeted with his fingers, he seemed to share Kageyama’s tendency to pick at his cuticles.</p><p><br/>“They had no say in my hospitalization, the school almost called child services on them because they thought they were the reason I wasn’t eating. They felt so betrayed by me after that because they thought I had said something to the school to shame them. My dad could barely look at me when he first came to visit.” He stared at the floor intently, while his cowlick bobbed up and down as he swallowed down his tears.</p><p><br/>“I was in the hospital for almost two weeks being occasionally fed through tubes before I got transferred here.” His voice was riddled with pain at the memory of tubes being forced down his throat. “My dad got better at talking to me and not guilt tripping me, but we still can’t talk to each other properly.” His freckled face now dawned a small frown, “Yeah, so that’s what I wrote down in general, but I guess if I had to summarize I struggle in being able to communicate and feel heard by my parents.”</p><p><br/>Kageyama nodded intently as he listened to him conclude his story, matching Yamaguchi’s intense gaze at the floor. Yamaguchi was breathing harshly through his nose in an attempt to regulate his breathing and calm himself down.</p><p>Kageyama was really taken aback at how much Yamaguichi shared with him. This was more than he had talked to the boy his whole time at the unit. He was flattered that he would be willing to confide in him with such deeply personal feelings. Yamaguchi was making a solid attempt to close the rift that had opened between them earlier that week. Kageyama wasn’t sure how to respond. He hadn’t really shared much about his parents role in his hospitalization or his attempt. But then again Yamaguchi had been there when Tsukishmia had talked about his suicide attempt, maybe he thought he owed it to Kageyama to reciprocate with his own vulnerability.</p><p>As he mused over the other boys motivations, Dr. Sugawara made them all rejoin the circle. He began to ask for volunteers, emphasizing that no one would be forced to share but that it was highly encouraged. No one volunteered, a crushingly awkward silence prevailed until Noya rescued them all with his enthusiasm and fondness for oversharing.<br/>Kageyama’s tired brain zoned out, only slightly processing the words floating around him. There was too much on his mind with everything that had happened in the last couple of days.</p><p>He heard scattered bits and pieces from the other boys.</p><p>Noya went on a tirade about how his mom had originally been scared of him because she thought he would actually stab someone. He had suffered alone with his demonic thoughts for years, masking his suffering with energetic personality. But he finally broke down and confided in her. She had locked him in his room out of fear and misunderstanding. He had made things worse by breaking the door and his mother had freaked out and taken him to the hospital. She was doing much better after going to sessions for parents with children who had harm OCD, and intrusive thoughts. But he still hesitated when it came to sharing his intrusive thoughts because he was afraid she would be scared of him again.</p><p>Tanaka shared a similar sentiment, his parents had thought he was a delinquent. They were convinced that he was on drugs when he was in a Manic phase. They disowned him after he was arrested for car theft and he had almost been homeless. He was in the process of repairing some of the damage that had happened in their relationship. After seeing him medicated and stable they were more understanding, but they were still in a constant state of worry about his future.</p><p><br/>Asahi muttered out a couple of words about his parents being disappointed that he wasn’t social and outgoing like his siblings. They thought that someone with a manly build such as his, should be more dominant and assertive. Their words had only magnified his anxiety about communicating with others. Every conversation felt like taking a test he already knew he had failed. He struggled with how ashamed his parents were with him.</p><p><br/>Oikawa did not share much besides snarkily commenting that his parents were disappointed that he wasn’t as perfect as he looked. They hadn’t wanted him to be in the program because they didn’t want to confront his bulimia. He then very eloquently added that they could fuck themselves because it was their fault that he had body image issues.<br/>After Oikawa was lightly reprimanded by Dr.Sugawara for his language, Tsukishmia mumbled something about not really having any issues with his parents. Dr.Sugawara refused his non answer, pushing him to share more.</p><p><br/>He rolled his eyes in irritation, adding that besides thinking he was a smartass, and a bully they didn’t care much about him or what he got up to. They thought he was going through his angry teenage phase and left him alone. He added that his brother was the reason he ended up getting committed here. He was the only one keen enough to notice when Tsukishmia would come home with bloodied fists late at night, or when he got suspended for ridiculing a teacher. He had uncovered Tsukishmia’s detailed sucidie plan, when on a whim he had searched his room only to uncover a growing stache of sleeping pills Tsukishmia had been pilfering from various sources. He had confronted Tsukishima, which had resulted in a physical altercation and Akiteru had called the police and got him committed. Tsukishmia refused to talk to him or his parents, he had turned them all away everytime they had come to visit.</p><p>There was a deafening silence after Tsukishmia’s nonchalant confession. If one didn’t notice how hard he was gripping his chair you would assume sharing hadn’t affected him at all. Yamaguchi shifted in distress next to Kageyama, his eyes wide with concern for Tsukishima. Kageyama was pretty sure he heard the boy whisper, “Tsukki…” his voice full of dotting sorrow. Kageyama had learned earlier that week that both Yamaguchi and Tsukishmia had been in the program for nearly two months. They had developed whatever weird relationship they had around a month ago. According to Hinata, Kageyama was one of the most recently admitted cases, it seemed that everyone ended up staying more than the promised one month.</p><p><br/>Dr. Sugawara thanked Tsukishmia for his vulnerability and told him he knew that he knew he had come very far in therapy when it came to discussing his relationship with his brother. Tsukishmia grunted in response, refusing to make eye contact with anything but the crack in the wall across from him.</p><p>Finally, it was Hinata’s turn. The small boy had been frowning, as he intensely listened to the difficulties of the boys’ around him. He sat with his legs balanced on his chair, knees hugged to his chest. Kageyama’s lungs ached as he looked at Hinata. He wished he could harness Hinata’s infectious sunlight and reflect it back at him to wipe the frown from his face. Hinata tapped his sneakers against his seat as he began to speak, his head tilted to the side, his curls leaving his face angled in shadows.</p><p>Hinata described how intimate his family was, the use of past tense struck a nerve within Kageyama. They loved to do things together, from picnics to game nights, they were a picture perfect family. They came to almost everyone of his games. He talked about his little sister, Natsu. She was as small as she was cute, and how much she adored and looked up to her older brother. But then Hinata began to trail off as always, the silence before the storm that carried nothing but tides of future distress. He resumed sharing with a heavy sigh.</p><p>“Then everything changed...Now, I can’t talk to them because they are always on edge worrying about me. They don’t think I am the same person I used to be. I am not, but that doesn’t mean I want them to tiptoe around me. I want to confront them about it, but they are doing it because they care. They are doing the best they can. I try to hide how I am feeling from them because I don’t want them to worry too much.” He said with a visceral sound of exhaustion, as if he had aged twenty years in the span of their therapy session. His pained expression would send one searching for white hair streaking through his red.</p><p>“But I have a hard time hiding how much I worry about Natsu. I have turned into some sort of overprotective parent. I am constantly worrying about where she is, who she is with and coming up with all these scenarios of what could happen to her.”</p><p>Hinata bit at his lip, which Kageyama had identified as his go to anxious habit. “My parents are scared and worried, and they think I am better off here than in the house with them. I can’t help but feel like they just don’t want to deal with me anymore because I make them sad.” He sounded so small, as he wrapped his arms closer around himself in a protective self embrace. He finished in a quiet voice, “People only like to keep me around when I make them happy.”</p><p>Kageyama was lost in the heartache of Hinata’s words. The words reverberating through him with pangs of pain. Before he knew it Dr. Sugawara was thanking everyone for their participation and vulnerability. Everyone trickled out, exhausted by the emotions still hanging heavy in the air.</p><p>As Kageyama made his way to join the wave of boy’s heading to the next room, a hand grabbed his sleeve. The small hand tugged at him to gain his attention. Kageyama turned around to see Hinata looking at him with a small smile and an anxious spring in his gait.</p><p>“Hey can we talk for a minute?”</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Trust</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TRIGGER WARNING IMPLIED SEXUAL ASSAULT<br/>there is nothing graphic but PTSD and emotional after affects are described.<br/>Please don't read if you feel like this might be harmful to you in anyway.<br/>I am not trying to use SA as a plot device rather I wanted to show how PTSD affects a lot of survivors.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kageyama, not trusting himself to speak, nodded in reply. He let Hinata lead him by the sleeve towards the now abandoned circle of chairs. They quietly sat side by side, a light breeze entered from a nearby open window, easing them into their conversation and the gentleness of the afternoon.</p><p><br/>
“I wanted to talk to you about last night.” Hinata said blushing slightly. Kageyama found him so incredibly endearing that he was unexpectedly bashful. Kageyama steeled his face into a neutral expression, in an attempt to prepare him for what was to come.</p><p>“I really like you Kageyama. I think you are really cool. I really enjoy spending time with you.”</p><p>He said as he turned to face Kageyama, his eyes filled with determination, his fists clenched with the force of his confession.</p><p><br/>
A strong feeling surged into existence within Kageyama. It extended from his heart to every crevice of his body, leaving a tingling sensation in its wake. This feeling left a contradictory aftertaste of tranquility and breathlessness all rapidly raging together…</p><p><br/>
This feeling had the familiarity of a childhood memory...was it happiness?</p><p><br/>
He had almost forgotten the exhilarating texture and divine beauty of being wrapped up in joy.</p><p><br/>
Somehow he managed to formulate the words and strength to speak, “I...I like you too.” He couldn’t help but stare at the floor, his face flushed with happiness and an overwhelming sense of shyness.</p><p><br/>
He could feel Hinata’s smile more than see it, it radiated a particular golden warmth. He felt so hopeful and light, like he was filled with helium floating above all that he hated in the world towards Hinata’s sunny presence.</p><p>Hinata giggled, “Who would've thought you would be such a shy boy Bakayama. Look at you blushing.” Kageyama smacked Hinata’s head with his hand, “You were blushing too.” He said pointedly looking away with his arms crossed, but the smile that graced his lips remained.</p><p>Hinata stopped laughing, demanding Kageyama’s attention with a tug at his sleeve. His voice took on a serious tone, “Wait, Kageyama...that’s not all I had to say.”<br/>
He inhaled a breath of air and exhaled out his words.</p><p><br/>
“Kageyama the thing is I don’t think I am ready to date anyone right now. I owe it to you to be honest and not keep giving you false hope.”<br/>
He stopped looking at Kageyama’s newly stiffened stance with concern.</p><p><br/>
Gravity seemed to have caught up with Kageyama. He was quickly crashing to earth, clutching for the remains of his floating happiness. He was Icarus, spreading his vast wings, tantalized by the light of the golden sun, drunk with the arrogant belief that he was worthy of it’s divine rays. Fall he did, tumbling bruised, burnt and broken towards unconsecrated land. Breathing out a stream of curses at no one but himself for believing a mere mortal could withstand the sacrosanct presence of the sun.</p><p>“I wanted you to know that it’s not because I don’t like you. That kiss meant something to me, but I don’t think I can take things any further.”</p><p>You know what’s worse than being continuously sad? Getting a glimpse of happiness, a small tantalizing taste, a whiff of a scrumptious aroma wafting by. Only to realize that it would never be within your reach you were never meant to have it.</p><p><br/>
If you are a glass half full type of person, you might wish you had savored the small taste you were lucky enough to experience. But Kageyama was definitely a glass half empty type of guy. He wished he had never gotten a taste, a whiff, a glimpse, it was infinitely worse to know what he was missing. There was no way he would be able to burn the taste of Hinata’s lips away from his tongue.</p><p><br/>
He had always wanted to eradicate his capacity to hope, it hadn’t served him well in life. Was this what rejection felt like? He felt terrible about all the times he had harshly rejected those girls.</p><p>Hinata barreled on sensing Kageyama’s spiraling thoughts from the frown on his face. Hinata projected his words out all at once, as if they would cause less damage if they came all at once.<br/>
“The reason I feel like I can’t date anyone, particularly you has to do with the reason I am here. The reality is you're the hardest person for me to talk to about this because I like you...I know you probably wondered why I never told you...when you told me everything...it’s just really hard to talk about. All the other boys ended up finding out after I had an accident. But I decided I want you to know…so you can understand why I can’t date you right now.”</p><p>Hinata looked like he was waging an internal battle that was both physically and emotionally. Kageyama stayed distant, not wanting to intrude into his space, waiting to gain understanding. He patiently gave Hinata all the time he needed to gather himself and speak.</p><p>“I don’t play volleyball anymore.” Hinata blurted out.</p><p>Kageyama looked at him dumbly, taken aback and confused with Hinata’s confession. He was perplexed, did he think Kageyama would judge him for that?</p><p>Hinata gave him a small smile as he took in his confusion. “I really loved my team and volleyball, it was everything to me. It wasn’t just volleyball, I had a life I loved. Everyone always told me that I was so lucky, I didn’t realize how right they were.” His voice was harsh with bitterness.</p><p>“My team made it to nationals this year. We were so excited, we had worked so hard, we used to be called the flightless crows because we hadn’t been to nationals in forever, yet we made it together as a team.” His voice transitioned into something more bittersweet at the mention of his team.</p><p>“At nationals, there was this spiker.”<br/>
Hinata took a pause for air, looking up at the ceiling to clear his head and will himself to speak. He had a semi distant look on his face, his hands clenched so hard he was white knuckled.</p><p>“My team won our first game against his team, the spiker had it out for me from the beginning of the game, and I got riled up. He kept taunting me throughout the game calling me a shorty and making sexual jokes about how my team must only keep me around for my locker room services.” Hinata was speaking through clenched teeth. Kageyama’s heart hurt as he began to gain an inkling of what came next.</p><p>“I was pissed. I tried my hardest to jump as high as possible and score as many points as possible, and it paid off we won…” Hinata almost sounded as if he regretted his victory.</p><p>“After the game I went up to him and asked him how he liked me now that I had beat his ass and he laughed and said he liked how spunky I was. Then he asked for my number. He said he liked them fiery like me. He asked if I wanted to meet up later that night while all teams were staying in Tokyo. I couldn’t believe him at the time, this guy had just spent the whole game trying to rile me up only to try to hook up with me at the end. I gave him a piece of my mind, and that’s where I made a mistake…” Hinata’s face didn’t hold any more regret, only an emotionless facade.</p><p>“I rejected him really loudly... I lose control over my voice when I am angry. I told him that I would never hook up with anyone with such an ugly face and personality, who also lost games. I told him that I would continue to win no matter what and losers like him would never stop me.” Hinata paused making eye contact with Kageyama, his eyes were those of a baby deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car.</p><p>“His teammates and my teammates overheard me. His teammates started laughing and making fun of him and calling him a homo, mocking him for getting his ass handed to him by a “middle schooler.” That’s when he got really embarrassed and angry he called me a faggot.” Hinata said with a grimace at the word.</p><p>“He told them I had been flirting with him during the game and I was acting all stuck up when I was probably getting fucked by everyone on the team. Then things started to get physical but my teammates came over and intervened and threatened him until he backed off.”</p><p>Hinata stopped forcing himself to stay present, his eyes closed.</p><p><br/>
Kageyama finally decided to intervene, unable to watch Hinata in any more distress.</p><p>“Hey you don’t have to continue...you don’t have to tell me anything...you owe me nothing.” He said in the softest voice he could muster. His stomach burned with dread.</p><p>Hinata just shook his voice, motioning with his hand that he just needed a second. He opened his eyes which were terrifyingly empty, void of the usual spark of overwhelming passion.<br/>
He continued with a surprisingly steady voice.</p><p><br/>
“The next day we got there early before our next game. As usual I got a really bad stomach ache because of how anxious I was about our next game. I have a habit of embarrassing myself in the bathroom before games and I didn't want everyone to see me puking my guts or worse...so I went to the bathroom in the basement of the building because I figured it would be empty. Unfortunately, I was right.” He said with a hollow look in his eyes. His voice got quieter, and Kageyama’s insides burned with the desire to wrap Hinata in his arms and protect him, comfort him, tell him that he would be alright.</p><p>“Little did I know that the asshole spiker had his eye on me. He was waiting for his chance, he followed me to the bathroom….he cornered me there and accused me of playing hard to get and teasing him during the game to get his attention. He said I owed him something.”</p><p>Kageyama wanted to curl into a ball and block his ears, he couldn’t imagine how difficult this was for Hinata. He couldn’t help but feel guilty that he was putting Hinata through this.<br/>
He cursed his own curiosity and every selfish question he had about Hinata’s presence in the unit, fear of bathrooms and erratic behavior at the mention of nationals. He felt ridiculous for his earlier melodramatic sense of heartbreak.</p><p><br/>
But Hinata didn’t even seem to be aware of Kageyama’s presence anymore, his body now somewhat relaxed, his eyes unfocused and his voice distant.</p><p><br/>
“He was so much taller and stronger than me. I was fast and I managed to run past him to the door and just when I thought I had escaped...I realized the door was locked. He pulled my back by my hair and forced me against the wall. I thought he was going to beat me up, but it was so much worse ….it was so much worse, I was crying the whole time. He kept saying that he knew that this is what I had wanted and that I was enjoying it.” Tears streamed down Hinata’s face, but he seemed unbothered by them.</p><p><br/>
“He just left me there on the floor broken and sobbing in a pile. I felt so sick and disgusting, I vomited all over myself. I couldn’t move.” Hinata looked at his hands, his palm raised as if marveling at his current mobility and cleanliness.</p><p><br/>
“I didn’t know how I was supposed to get up and face my team. I didn’t want anyone to know what had happened. Eventually one of my teammates found me lying on the floor. They had been freaking out looking for me because we were supposed to start warm ups. My teammates were horrified. I refused to speak. My coach took me to a hospital and the rest of my team stayed. I didn’t want them to forfeit the game because that would mean we would lose our chance and so I begged them to play without me.”</p><p><br/>
He sounded resigned as he continued, “They ended up playing. But without me and after the shock of what had happened, we lost the game. We lost our chance at nationals.”<br/>
Hinata finally stopped talking and let his emotions seep onto his face, finally allowing himself to show his guilt and shame.</p><p><br/>
“No one blamed me, but I blamed myself for what happened. My whole life starting to fall apart, I couldn’t play volleyball like I wanted to before because I felt so much guilt and self hatred. My teammates were all so caring, but I could feel their pity. I was holding them down because I couldn’t focus on playing, so I quit the team. I never stopped loving volleyball though.” He said, sending a small sad smile towards Kageyama.</p><p><br/>
“At home my parents were so worried and sad, they blamed themselves, although it didn’t make any sense. I couldn’t sleep properly. I kept having nightmares and panic attacks. My little sister didn’t understand what was happening, but she could tell that everything was different. I kept clinging to her and worrying about her. I started making her promise to never go to the bathroom alone, and other things like that. She was freaked out by me.” He said sadly.</p><p>“I had always been such a happy person. The person that brought everyone up, that bathed them in hope and sunshine.” Kageyama’s heart clenched, he had been one of the people that had been unwilling to look past Hinata’s radiant presence to the cloud of pain that shrouded him.</p><p>“But suddenly I was the cloud dappening everyone’s mood. I started to think it would be better if everyone didn’t have me around. I brought my volleyball team down with memories of loss and guilt. I scared my little sister into becoming an anxious mess. I made my parents constantly worry about me and all these hospital bills that kept adding up” Hinata’s voice sounded so small, his face looked exhausted.</p><p>“No one likes sad people.”<br/>
He looked up at Kageyama, expecting him to understand. “After what happened everyone told me they would be there to support me. They tried, but when I didn’t get better, they didn’t know what to do. They wanted to move on already but I couldn’t.” He stopped as his voice choked with emotion.</p><p>“No one knew how to deal with my sadness. So I began to isolate myself. I cut myself off from the team. I told them that they gave me bad memories so that they would stay away from me. I started lying to my parents pretending that I was doing better. They were slowly starting to believe it. But the reality was I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t go to the bathroom anywhere other than my house. I was terrified of being alone, and the slightest unexpected touch could set me off. I couldn’t focus in class. I was failing all my classes.” As Kageyama watched Hinata furrow deeper into himself he was overwhelmed by how wrong it looked, Hinata's presence should fill up the room. He wanted to yell at himself, at the world for being so unfair. He wanted to punch something and cry all at once. But he remained silent, he needed to be Hinata’s anchor as he fought through this painful storm.</p><p>“I started taking sleeping pills to get through the night. Then one day I took one too many...I don’t think I was trying to kill myself, I was just so exhausted. I wanted to have a good long sleep like before. My parents freaked out when I had a hard time waking up in the morning and then they found the pills in my nightstand. I ended up getting sent here.” He added with a finality, deflating slightly, having released all his truths into the open air.</p><p>Kageyama struggled with what to say. He had never been gifted with his words. He was known to be brief, and unemotional. He suddenly realized how daft he was being, he just needed to speak the truth.</p><p>“It's not your fault. None of it is your fault, I hope you know that. You are such a brave, incredible person and you didn’t deserve any of that, I mean no one deserves that…<br/>
I see why you don’t play volleyball anymore and I understand why you don’t want to be in a relationship. But this doesn’t change anything about how I feel about or see you. I am here for you and I will be present in any way you want me to be. I will never run away from your sadness...How could I when you embraced mine? Besides sadness is what I know...I am something of an expert actually. I care about you a lot Hinata…” After a moment's pause he added. “Thank you for trusting me with this.”</p><p>Hinata reached out to Kageyama slowly, and Kageyama wrapped him in a tight protective embrace, they sunk to the floor for comfort. He felt the intensity of Hinata’s fragility, if he squeezed too hard Hinata might dissipate into smoke. Kageyama sat as still as possible, willing his usual stiffness away, as Hinata breathed heavily into his chest. Kageyama began gently rubbing circles on his back, hoping his presence was soothing.</p><p>Hinata whispered a quiet “Thank you for hearing me out.” Before they were both engulfed in comfortable silence.<br/>
He sat there with Hinata for what felt like an hour. Kageyama didn’t care, he would sit with Hinata for eternity if he could give a morsel of comfort. Hinata began to breathe more regularly and his body seemed to have fully melted into Kageyama, using him as a pillow as if he was asleep. Wait...he was asleep, Kageyama suddenly realized. He willed himself to be as soft and still as possible.</p><p>He figured what Hinata had shared took a lot of courage and energy. He deserved sleep more than anything, even if it was just to distance himself from the resurfaced memories.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Reunion</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sorry for the delay. I am still in the process of making edits so make sure to refresh!<br/>Also eid Mubarak to all my fellow Muslim homies! What better time than eid to write about dysfunctional family relationships lol<br/>Hope you all like this chapter.<br/>some intense shit...</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kageyama was sitting in the common room observing Hinata and Noya play an intense game of Mario Kart, when Dr. Sugawara came looking for him. Hinata’s kart dramatically flew off rainbow road, as he turned to Kageyama with lamplike eyes, reflecting curiosity mingled with concern.</p><p><br/>
Hinata proved he didn’t have a single discrete bone in his body when he decided to verbalize his concerns to the public.</p><p>“Kageyama...what did you do now? Did you have to get your meds changed again?” Kageyama shook his head at Hinata. He was pretty sure he had been given the same dose of wellbutrin that morning with his vital check.</p><p>He frowned, turning away from the group's inquisitive gaze and towards Dr.Sugawara’s lingering form. His brain scrambled in search of something he had fucked up.</p><p>He felt his stomach drop into a labyrinth of anxiety. He had always been sent into a cesspool of terror when approached unannounced and asked to be spoken to without further details. His brain seemed to have mastered the magnificent ability of  calculating the worst possible scenario. His therapist called this ability catastrophizing, and said it was a symptom of his depression.</p><p>Dr.Kiyoko didn’t know how often his premonitions were right. He had a deep seated feeling in his chest that nothing good would come from what Dr. Sugawara wanted to discuss.</p><p>He tightly grasped the arm of his chair slowly rising, walking towards whatever inevitable fate lay behind Dr.Sugawara’s encouraging smile.</p><p>He could feel Hinata’s concerned gaze burning holes into the back of his head. Kageyama turned and gave him an attempt at a reassuring nod. Hinata sent him a brilliant smile and a supportive thumbs up in response, promising to meet him later in their room.</p><p>Tsukishima, who had been engrossed in a novel up until Dr.Sugawara’s disruption, clicked his tongue at their cheesy antics. He rolled his eyes from his position on a somewhat secluded couch before burying his nose back into his book.</p><p> </p><p><br/>
Dr.Sugawara waited until the heavy doors of the unit slammed behind them, before turning to Kageyama with an excited smile. He fixed him with an slightly anxious gaze and gently placed his hand on his shoulder, “I know we said earlier that you weren’t allowed any visitors….but Dr.Kiyoko thought this visit would be essential to your recovery.”</p><p>Kageyama took a step back, shrugging off Dr.Sugawara’s well intentioned hand in a panic. “I don’t want to see any visitors. No one other than my parents would bother to come and I don’t want to see them. I have the right to refuse right?”</p><p>He stared Dr.Sugawara down, amping his aggression to hide the tremble of his hand and the bile in his throat.</p><p>He had trained himself to not show his fear that was often laced with self hatred, lest people take advantage of him.</p><p>He might feel like a small pathetic speck of dust, but he still had to maintain his tinfoil armour. His protection came in the form of his outward aggression and layers of insolence.</p><p> </p><p>He would rather choke than see his parents right now. Their presence had the magical ability to counter any positive sense of self he had accumulated during the last three weeks. He had given up on any idea of a productive “healing conversation”. Regardless of how many times Dr.Kiyoko pushed him to rethink communication, he adamantly refused.</p><p>He knew what it was like to get his hopes up, only to be crushed by them. The repercussions of trying and failing were infinitely worse than simply giving up. Plus it was way less effort, and Kageyama had a limited amount of energy, that he would rather conserve for his own internal battles.</p><p> </p><p>Dr.Sugawara’s saintly patience manifested as he continued to calmly smile at Kageyama.</p><p>“I think you might want to talk to this visitor. While usually you are allowed to reject visitors, your therapist highly encouraged this meeting.”<br/>
<br/>
Kageyama knitted his brows….why was his therapist so involved in this? He racked his brain thinking...there was only one possibility other than his parents.</p><p>His nails dug into his clenched palms attempting to maintain a semblance of calm at the possibility of THAT person being his visitor.</p><p>He forced himself to speak clearly through gritted teeth. “Who is the visitor?”</p><p><br/>
Dr. Sugawara’s experienced gaze saw right through Kageyama. His hazel eyes so easily broke through all the chinks in Kageyam’s tinfoil armour, zoning in on who he really was, a small, sad, scared little boy, who had hurt and been hurt one too many times. Kageyama hated how naked he felt under the kindness of his empathy.<br/>
<br/>
He wanted to lash out at him, to tell him to stop being so fucking nice. He channeled all his energy into controlling his shaking body instead.</p><p><br/>
“It’s your sister.”<br/>
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<br/>
Miwa did not seem to notice Kageyama approaching from where she sat, arms sprawled across the white table of the visitors room.</p><p>Tobio was immensely bothered by her unchanged appearance, she looked exactly the same, as if nothing had changed since he had last seen her.</p><p>He watched her raise her eyes upon hearing the echo of their footsteps. Their matching deep set eyes’ met with a clash, then a merging of the same shade of lapis lazuli blue.</p><p>Her eyes were framed by a subtle line of black eyeshadow, the rest of her face expertly made up. Her highlighter sparkled under the bright fluorescent hospital lighting. The sparkle in her face, the flawless curl of her bunned up hair, and the red of her lips were all so jarring. They made Kageyama sick. Who wore makeup to a hospital, he found himself spitefully thinking.</p><p>Internally, he knew that as a beautician his sister naturally always wore makeup. However logic had long since exited the premises and certainly wouldn’t stop him now.<br/>
He fixed her with what he hoped was a heated, judgemental glare, hoping his eyes did not reflect the sadness held in hers. Her eyes were wide with emotion, drinking in the sight of her little brother before her.<br/>
Her face seemed to be paler than he remembered, her mouth was slightly agape, lost for words.</p><p><br/>
As soon as she had somewhat composed herself, she rose to shakily greet him. She eagerly spread her arms wide, when he was within her reach, seemingly beckoning him to embrace.</p><p><br/>
“Tobio…” Her voice was as soft as ever, thick with guilt and coated in layers of sickly pity. He sidestepped her arms, refusing to meet her gaze as he rejected her pathetic performance, in favor of staring into the distance. They had never been the touchy feely type, he couldn’t help but feel the theatrics were for Dr.Sugawara’s watchful gaze.</p><p>Dr.Sugawara shook his sister's hand and briefly exchanged pleasantries. He cleared his throat attempting to clear some of the awkwardness that had settled between the unspeaking siblings. He informed them both that Kageyama was free for the next hour. He fixed Kageyama with a firm yet hopeful glance and with a final affirming nod and pat on the shoulder, he told them he would be in the adjoining room if they required anything. Kageyama didn’t bother to respond, still standing his arms shoved defensively into the depths of his pockets. He wished he could bury himself into their depths and lose himself in the warmth of the soft fabric.</p><p><br/>
Dr. Sugawara made his way out of the room, the sound of the door leaving a deafening silence that held the weighted tension of months absence.</p><p><br/>
Kageyama was tired of standing. He sat down on the hard plastic bench-like seat of the table with a huff. He pointedly looked away from his sister's standing form. His fingers anxiously gripped the tip of the table for lack of better support to quell his nerves.</p><p>Miwa followed his lead, wrapping her cream colored cardigan around herself tightly as she sat down across from him.</p><p>There was another suffocating silence before Miwa attempted to bridge the distance between them. Her hand hesitantly crossed the expansive plain of the white table. As her fingers brushed against his hand, Kageyama defensively flinched backward. He lowered his wrists into his lap protectively, as if her gaze could slice his wounds right open. He heard her sigh in frustration, patience had never been one of her strong suits.<br/>
<br/>
“It’s really nice to see you Tobio….I really missed you.” She said in an attempt at a neutral tone, but Kageyama had lived with her for enough years to hear the underlying hurt in her voice.<br/>
He remained silent refusing to acknowledge her presence, as his emotions began to bubble below the surface. His shaking body was preparing itself for what was to come.</p><p>“I know we didn’t leave things on the best terms, but I thought about you all the time….I really did...everyday. You know it broke my heart to leave you behind. But Tobi, I couldn’t...I couldn’t do it anymore” Her teary voice pleaded for belief.<br/>
<br/>
She continued undeterred with his lack of response. “Our parents didn’t tell me what happened to you, I didn’t find out until this week and I knew that I had to come see you.” Her voice was laced with bitterness at the mention of the two people she despised the most.</p><p>“I am so worried about you...You know you can talk to me...I don’t want you to ever feel alone.” A couple of tears escaped blending into her eyeliner, that magically didn’t smudge.</p><p><br/>
For some strange logic, realizing his sister had worn waterproof mascara was what broke the seal on his emotions. They boiled over, hissing with rage as they ran rampant, blinding him with their fumes.</p><p>Kageyama had always been one to hold a grudge, he did not forget or forgive easily. He had grown up hearing over and over again about the power of forgiveness. Yet, he guarded his grudges with reverence.</p><p>Those who preached forgiveness didn’t understand how essential his anger was. He bowed down to his anger because it allowed him to feel hurt. He let his grudges fester deep within him, in order to prolong the sense of justified pain. Only in anger’s presence, did he feel worthy of victimhood.<br/>
He built a temple for the anger in his heart, to enshrine himself in the fleeting ecstasy of knowing he didn’t deserve to be treated badly. His belief in anger allowed him to untangle the roots of his self hatred. Relishing within it’s blazing fire cleansed him from the festering curse of self loathing.</p><p>He sold his soul to anger to believe, if only for the briefest moment, that he deserved something better. He knew doubt would inevitably sink it’s claws, easily poisoning his mind with whispers of disbelief.<br/>
<br/>
Kageyama waged a zealous battle of beliefs within his heart. One side gaslighting him into believing that his pain was unanimously agreed upon as justified and deserved, and the other sending him on a crusade of justice and revenge. He had to keep the fire of hatred burning in his heart, feeding it destroyed relationships to sate it’s hunger. He was so devoted he was willing to burn himself up as an offering in the process.</p><p><br/>
He needed to cherish his anger towards his sister, because the alternative was infinitely worse. The alternative was believing the dark whispers that taunted him with songs of his deserved abandonment.</p><p><br/>
He didn’t want to be believe that he deserved to come back to an abandoned home. He didn’t want to believe, that after a torturous day of snide remarks, disgruntled looks and immense loneliness, he deserved to find emptiness in the form of a goodbye note.</p><p><br/>
His sister had never been the most dependable person in his life, but she had been a presence that shared his miserable existence. Trauma bonding might be a good definition of their relationship. When he was younger, she had tried to shield him from the toxic realities of their household, but the older she grew the more jaded and distant she became. She began to see Tobio as an extension of what she so desperately wanted to leave behind.</p><p><br/>
She got the brunt of their parents harsh reprimand and fiery temper, as the eldest child and a girl. They kept her on a tight leash weighed down with endless expectations for her future. She did everything she could to rid herself of the collar, even using Tobio as a tool to loosen their hold. His sister would often use his good behavior and antisocial tendencies to convince their parents to let her take him out. Tobio soon learned that he was simply a means to her end. He became accustomed to the rotating cast of his sister’s boyfriends’ who would coincidentally appear at the movies or the mall every time they went out. Tobio didn’t particularly mind, they mainly ignored him. Besides the boyfriends would buy him popcorn or whatever food he requested.</p><p><br/>
Tobio knew that his parents were harsh on his sister, so he played a long for her sake. He helped her conceal her dating life, even lended her his savings to get her nose piercing. He figured it was the price he had to pay for her presence in his life. Plus, he didn’t have much else to do or to spend his money on besides volleyball.<br/>
<br/>
His sister had never understood his struggles with mental illness. She was a highly motivated, bossy and provocative person. She knew what she wanted and she would get her way. He had always watched from the shadows as she controlled her relationships with an iron grip. She seemed to unknowingly mimic her parents' control with others, perhaps grasping for semblance of real life independence through recreation.</p><p>The older Kageyama grew, the more distant they became, and the less they understood one another. Brick by brick, she built a new life filled with trust, friendship and love, while Kageyama gathered cobwebs in the corners of their once shared home.</p><p>His sister finally abandoned him when she was able to reach her ends without the need for her usual accomplice.</p><p>Their parents wanted her to study law, and had hounded her to apply to certain universities, she obliged, all while secretly plotting a way out. She had saved up money, moved in with her boyfriend and started to go to school to get her beautician's license. He had just started highschool when the sour reality of his utter loneliness hit him. His sister, who he thought depended on him, valued him, and cared for him, didn’t need him anymore. He was nothing more than a ghost of a sordid past that his sister was overly eager to discard.<br/>
<br/>
The day she left without saying goodbye was one Kageyama would likely never forget. </p><p>She left nothing more than a simple note informing him she was leaving for good. She would be steering clear of their parents, moving to Tokyo in order to avoid having them meddle in her affairs. She told Tobio that she loved him and cared about him. Her words had been drowned out by the heavy waterfall of Kageyama’s tears on paper, moisture weakening her words until they were nothing more than faded inky remains.<br/>
<br/>
That day a singular question erupted from the depth of Kageyama’s sobs.</p><p>“Why didn’t you take me with you? Why didn’t you take me with you? Why didn’t you take me with you?”<br/>
<br/>
His lack of dignity allowed him to pathetically send her a letter begging her to come back for him. He told her that he would be the best accomplice she could wish for. He would give her all his allowance for the rest of eternity. He would third wheel through all the movies even if he didn’t like them. He would overlook her every flaw….</p><p>His letter remained unanswered.<br/>
<br/>
With time Kageyama had let his self pity morph into a twisted anger towards his sister.</p><p><br/>
Now, as he sat facing her makeup caked face, wounds of the past reopened. He couldn’t help but lash out. He knew he shouldn’t. He really knew he should be the better person. He knew a lot of things.<br/>
But he also knew that he didn’t care, he didn’t want to ignore the liquid anger seething in his veins. He wanted to hurt her the way she had hurt him. He wanted to make her feel every morsel of betrayal and self hatred he had felt that day he read her letter.</p><p><br/>
“I can talk to you?” His voice was seethed with inconsolable pain. He closed his eyes in his final attempt to control his anger. His eyes fluttered open, his mouth set in a snarl of disgust, his attempt was a failure.<br/>
<br/>
“How was I supposed to talk to you, when you never bothered to check in on me? When you left me alone with our parents? How was I ever supposed to trust you when... I begged you...I fucking begged you Miwa and you turned your back on me.” His voice was strained now refusing to give into the pressure behind his eyelids. His fists clenched hard at his side.<br/>
<br/>
“You are the most selfish, manipulative person I know. You were trying so hard to escape our parents... but guess what you are exactly like them! You don’t care who you hurt as long as you are in control, why do you think all your boyfriends have been terrified of you. YOU are sad and pathetic and selfish and will never escape our parents because they are in everything you do...“ The god of anger egged him on, showering him with satisfaction of belittling others. </p><p>“You betrayed me and abandoned me and ignored me just as much as they did.” His voice was slowly rising in volume, he didn’t know how he was able to contain the amount of emotion surging through him without amplifying his voice. </p><p>He needed her to understand what she had done. How much damage she had inflicted, he wanted her to know how hurt he was. <br/>
<br/>
“HOW DARE YOU…..” Kageyama found himself standing and heaving with anger as he struggled to spit out his words. </p><p>“How dare you show up here and tell me that you are here for me...how dare you waltz in here and pretend we have a good relationship. I want nothing to do with you… you are a sad pathetic excuse of a sister.”<br/>
<br/>
Miwa had been in a state of silent shock, simply staring at him during his outburst. But her face quickly filled with a burning anger of her own. Her eyebrows arched at a dangerous angel, a menacing turn to her lips, as she striked back. <br/>
<br/>
“I don’t even know what you are talking about...I did so much for you. I am sorry that I had to make some hard decisions that you don’t understand because you are a kid, but that doesn’t make me evil. You just want someone to blame...well guess what it’s not my fault we have shitty parents.”</p><p><br/>
Both of them were standing now, glaring at each other, faces uncharacteristically red, eyes wild. His sisters once perfect hair was coming undone. Her facade of utter control undoing itself with every angry breath.</p><p><br/>
“It’s not your fault we had shitty parents...but it’s your fault for promising me that you wouldn’t leave. It’s your fault for abandoning me without a second thought, for not caring to answer the one thing I have ever asked from you...I helped you do your stupid teenage bullshit for years when I didn’t give a shit. When I would have rather stay at home...” A flood of endless memories of being dragged around as an excuse and awkward interactions plagued him.</p><p>”I thought I meant something to you. But apparently I didn’t mean shit...so how dare you come here now and put on this stupid act, pretending you care….when you are still nothing more than a selfish bitch.”</p><p><br/>
His sister's face was twisted into its final form of anger, that he recognized from witnessing years of her fights with their parents. Her once beautiful face was now painfully contorted with hatred, leaving splotches of red across her face. </p><p> Her pain made him feel somewhat satisfied. The god of anger smiled down upon him, crowning him as his ultimate disciple. She deserved to know what she had done. She deserved to feel guilty. She deserved to suffer like he had.<br/>
<br/>
He should have known better.<br/>
After living with his sister for years, he knew she was never one to back down without having the final say.<br/>
Throughout his childhood she always knew exactly what to say to get him to concede to her plans. She had a lifetime of experience in breaking him apart. A gift she had no doubt inherited from their parents.<br/>
<br/>
“You know what Tobio, I came here because I wanted to make things right. I wanted to try to help you. But we aren’t going to get anywhere if all you want to do is be an immature brat. You don’t even realize how lucky you are that you even have people who care about you. So many people out there have no family, are living on the street. You want to BLAME ME for everything wrong in your life...but guess what Tobio it’s not my fault you fucking hate yourself...It’s not my fault your locked up in a mental institution...”</p><p>As she delivered her finishing blow, each word stabbing deep into his flesh, he knew he had lost. He had no response to her weaponization of his self hatred.</p><p><br/>
Tobio slowly watched as the god of anger abandon him, off to find other worshipper to sacrifice his soul. His body was still aflame, partly burnt to crisp, partly burning in agony. His brains internal fire detector was registering such high levels of anger that he could hear nothing over it’s blaring alarm.</p><p>He was on the verge of losing control. He was so angry that he felt incapacitated with his hatred. His attempt at vengeance, at redeeming his anger, had backfired.<br/>
<br/>
He was reduced to an immobile burnt shell in her wake. She had taken away his well deserved revenge and dodged the hands of justice.</p><p><br/>
His hands itched to throw something, to smash something, to punch someone, to regulate himself, to make sense of the chaos in his head and in his life.</p><p>However, the only thing in his vicinity was his sister's purse lying on the ground discarded between them. Before he knew it he was flinging the bag by its straps, its contents spilling across the table. Lipstick, eyeshadow, a phone, a wallet, pepper spray, a pocket knife, a water bottle spread across the table. </p><p>His sister yelled at him to stop, as her lipstick rolled off the table onto the floor and her water bottle began to leak slowly spewing its contents. She covered her face with her hands as Kageyama threw her now empty bag at her. </p><p>She began to scream hysterically at him, telling him that he was out of control and should be locked up. She began to call out for Dr.Sugawara. <br/>
<br/>
His eyes scanned his sister's belongings for something...something to help him feel real..anything to get him out of here..he latched onto the first useful thing he could see, while his sister now ran towards Dr. Sugawara’s Panicked form. <br/>
<br/>
Before Kageyama could really fully process his actions any further, He pocketed his sister's travel sized pocket knife.<br/>
Dr. Sugawara finally reached him appeared, having calmed his screaming sister. </p><p>He established a tight grip onto Kageyama’s shoulders. He sternly, and somewhat forcefully pushed him towards the door. His sister refused to acknowledge him as she stomped back to collect her things.</p><p><br/>
Kageyama found himself turning back, right before he was escorted from the room, to meet her piercing gaze. “Thanks for visiting sis.” He spat out each word dripping with sarcasm, pronouncing sis with particularly venom. He walked away not bothering to look back. His heart beating loudly in his ear.</p><p>His only solace found in the tight grip he maintained on knife in his pocket. It’s sharp edges whispered promises of comfort and escape.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I was wondering what people's thoughts are about writing about self harm. A friend said something to me about how even writing about it could encourage other people to do it. I don't want to do that but I also really want to write about the feelings that come up during it and the after effects. Thoughts are appreciated and as always i would have trigger warnings but my friend seemed to think that anyone who read it might be influenced even if i talk about the Negative after effects.<br/>So i am conflicted  I thought who would be better to ask than my actual readers.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Mistakes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kageyama couldn’t stop pacing around his bedroom, his body was filled with anxious energy fighting to get out. As soon as Dr. Sugawara had finished chewing him out for his actions, Kageyama had flung himself into his room slamming the door behind him despite the rules.</p><p>He didn’t even remember what Dr. Sugawara had said with regards to punishment. His brain was overloaded with his emotions, he could feel nothing but the throbbing pain in his heart.<br/>
<br/>
He had such a strong desire to destroy everything around him, crumble it all to dust, and so he did. He started with his bed grabbing the comforter, sheets and pillows and flinging them across the room, where they hit the wall with an unsatisfying thump. It was far from enough, he needed more. His body became a toronado of destruction, flinging, overturning, ruining everything in his path, with no distinction between what belonged to him and what was Hinata’s. He knew he should probably be more careful as he ripped the paper that was in his hand, but he couldn’t get himself to care.</p><p>He was panting hard, his body raging with exertion, his fingers aching, his wrists stinging in agony begging him to stop.</p><p>He suddenly became aware of Hinata’s presence in the room. Hinata was trying to calm him down. He was trying to snap Kageyama out of his blind rage with waving arms, calling out his name over and over again. Kageyama’s eyes caught the light reflecting from Hinata’s hair and he was temporarily distracted like a crow spotting something enticingly shiny.</p><p>Hinata was grabbing onto him, mouthing something to him, probably asking him to stop, but Kageyama was too far gone, even Hinata’s presence couldn’t stop him. </p><p>Hinata tried to gently loosen Kageyama’s grasp on the poster he had half torn to shreds. Then Kageyama’s rage returned reminding him that Hinata was just another illusion of hope he had given himself. </p><p>He elbowed Hinata in the stomach, the smaller boy arched away with a hiss of pain, an angry scowl dawning on his face. Hinata was nothing if not persistent, he wasn’t going to let a little pain stop him. Before he knew it Hinata had jumped onto his back, trying to stop his path of destruction by steering him from above.</p><p>Kageyama was not fully present within his body, or maybe that’s just what he told himself later. He simply processed that he was under attack and his body overreacted in defense, it only took a split second before he was hit with reality.</p><p><br/>
Time sped up and his body suddenly felt very real, as he realized that he had flung Hinata onto the floor. He had Hinata pinned down with his arms to stop his flailing hands, and used his knees to hold down Hinata's legs so that he wouldn’t kick him in retaliation.</p><p>Kageyama heard a soft whimper beneath him and a soft voice mumble out “please..no...no.” The voice was so timid and weak that Kageyama was flooded with the enormity of what he had done. Hinata lay on the floor lifeless, stricken with fear, his whole body had begun to tremble in Kageyama’s grasp.</p><p>Kageyama instantly released Hinata and backed away dropping onto his knees in shock. His sense of control was regained way too late, the damage had been done, and the jury within Hinata’s fearful eyes found him guilty. </p><p>His once warm, playful eyes, that never hesitated to find their way to Kageyama to share a teasing, sly look, were now unsettlingly huge incapable of containing his sea of terror.</p><p>Hinata was always so strong, a triumphant presence that rose and jumped again against all odds. Yet, the Hinata before him did not move, did not jump up with a glimmering smile, laughing off his injury, with rosy cheeks warming his face.</p><p>Helplessness, his face was filled with ashamed helplessness. His usually flushed face was ghostly pale. His usual melodic voice was replaced by the haunting noise of him gasping for air, still bound in the same position with the invisible ropes of his trauma.</p><p>Kageyama looked down at his hands with horror, how could he have done this? He had forgotten his own strength and Hinata’s PTSD. How could he be such a selfish bastard? After all Hinata had done for him, after he had confided in him about his fears.</p><p>His heart began to race, his head swirling with regret, and guilt. He had to make things right. He had to fix things somehow. He couldn’t lose Hinata...no he couldn’t lose the person he needed the most. He would beg and plead and do anything he could for his forgiveness.</p><p>He slowly began to approach Hinata on his hands and knees, in an attempt to comfort him and help calm him down.<br/>
But Hinata wailed out in terror upon seeing his approaching form, and finally sprung into action, moving back on his hands as fast as he could till he was huddled in the corner of the room. Still repeating the same words like a broken record “Please...no...leave me alone….stop.” </p><p>His knees were now clamped to his chest, his palms covering his face, nails ripping into his hair. He was breathing heavy sobs, lost in a world of remembrance. A truly pitiful sight to behold. He didn’t seem to even recognize Kageyama anymore.</p><p><br/>
Kageyama had never felt so much guilt and self hatred in his whole entire life and that was saying something. His earlier temper tantrum had fully come to an end and he was left with the destructive aftermath as always.</p><p>However, this time Hinata lay shattered by the selfishness of his storm, a broken shell of a boy that was gluing himself back together. This was Hinata’s reward for his vulnerability, his affection, his kindness, that Kageyama had selfishly pasted onto the jagged edges of his broken self. He had used Hinata to smooth down the sharp edges so that he could finally begin to put the pieces back together. He hadn’t realized that Hinata would bear the price of his repair with gasping panicked breaths. </p><p>Hinata was rocking back and forth, moaning to himself, mumbling out words that Kageyama vaguely understood as cries of help. </p><p>Kageyama had to do something, he wanted nothing more than to drop to his knees and beg for forgiveness, but he knew that was nothing but his own selfishness.</p><p>He needed to get Hinata help, and stay out of his way. He was the last person Hinata needed to be around.</p><p><br/>
He ran from the room in a frenzy, trying to find someone, anyone to help. He ran to the living room and to his relief found Asahi and Tsukishima sitting in silence engrossed in their separate reading. Kageyama gasped out words that were barely comprehensible, loudly gesturing to his room. “Hinata, scared, help, room, panic, now.” Despite his lack of clarity both boys seemed to grasp the severity of the situation. They sprung up and ran through the hall with Kageyama following at the back.</p><p>Asahi took a sorrowful breath and Tsukishima looked absolutely pissed with concern at the state of Hinata. It had become a badly kept secret that Hinata and Tsukishmia had started to get along, Kageyama had found them engaged in a discussion that was only about 60% taunting on Tsukishima’s end.</p><p>Asahi lowered himself to his knees, making himself as small and non threatening as possible. He slowly crawled closer to Hinata, offering a string of soothing words and looking for permission to approach him further.</p><p>Tsukishima turned to Kageyama after surveying the mess of the room and asked with an acquisitional glare, “What the hell did you do to him?! You dumbfuck!” For once Tsukishima’s insults didn’t anger him, he knew he deserved them. The walls of them room were closing on in him. He was finding it hard to breathe in his state of increasing guilty panic. He wanted nothing more than to sprint away to a volleyball court and set balls until he was drained of energy.</p><p>But he didn’t get to do that, he didn’t get to run away from what he had caused. He needed to stay here and suffocate under the weight of his actions, even if tsukishima was the judge.<br/>
<br/>
“I….I was really upset and I was throwing things and Hinata walked in and tried to stop me, and things got out of hand and I pinned him to the ground and….he freaked out….”</p><p>The result was obvious, as Hinata’s shaky sobs continued to fill the room. He couldn’t muster the courage to look up as he spoke. Tsukishima considered looking away a luxury Kageyama didn’t deserve. He grabbed him by the collar forcing eye contact and gave him his dirtiest glare, “Get out! Now!...You being here is hurting him. Stay away from this room until we tell you you are allowed back.” He aggressively pushed him towards the door with disgust.</p><p>Kageyama could feel his whole body flush with shame, “But...can’t I do something...apologize….” He lowered his head staring at the carpeted floor, hoping for some redemption where he knew he would find none.</p><p>Tsukishmia grabbed his shoulder even more roughly slinging him towards the door. “What don’t you understand? Look what you did to him, you are making him suffer, get the fuck out.” Kageyama shoulders hunched over, as he shrunk into himself and slowly walked out, closing the door gently behind himself.</p><p>He paced up and down the hallways farthest from the residential area, picking at his cuticles until they bled with deserved pain. He had seen Dr. Kiyoko and Dr.Sugawara head towards their room in a rush several minutes after he had left.</p><p>He forced himself to take deep breaths, but his lungs filled with the stinging air of his reality. He began to panic. He was disrupting everyone’s lives here, making everything difficult for those who had done nothing but welcome him. Even Hinata, who exuded nothing but kindness and patience, could no longer bear his presence.</p><p>What was he even doing here? Why did he think he deserved to be forgiven for all that he had done? Why did he deserve redemption, when he refused to give it to others.</p><p>He was supposed to “reenter” society in another week. He was supposed to go back to his parents, a healed boy. The jarring part was that he had somewhat accepted the idea last week with a glimmer of anticipation for his future. He had something akin to hope that his life wouldn’t all be doom and gloom once he left the unit. He figured he would join a neighborhood volleyball team, maybe switch high schools. Hinata had even promised him that they would be the ultimate duo together if he went to Karasuno high.</p><p>These dreams of a better future were exactly those; dreams, shattered along with Hinata’s fragile shell of trust.</p><p>His guilt was eating him up in a slow and agonizing process, that seemed to only have one release. He carefully extracted  the pocket knife from the depth of his sweatpants, examining it’s edges. He ran his finger over the tip of the blade, realizing that it was blunter than he would have preferred.</p><p>But it would have to do for now, he could make it work. There was a particular laughable irony in the situation.  The knife he had stolen from his sister was his fathers. His father had started a strange tradition of giving them inherited pocket knives at the tender age of ten. Kageyama could never quite understand why he deemed it necessary.</p><p>As Kageyama balanced the blade on the tip of his finger, pricking his finger until a pool of red appeared. </p><p>Kageyama almost wanted to laugh. There was some sort of karmic retribution at play, fate had decided that he would be using his father’s treasured hand me down to kill himself.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Pain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TRIGGER WARNING SUICIDE<br/>Do not read this chapter if mentions of self harm or bodily injury will trigger you or cause you any harm.<br/>I was originally going to section out which parts mention any self harm but pretty much the whole chapter does.<br/>So I will write a short summary in the notes in the bottom for those of you who don't want to read this chapter so you can keep up with the story.<br/>Suicide 24 hr hotline for the U.S: 1-800-273-8255<br/>I just wanted to say that i am not endorsing self harm or suicide in anyway but it's a very real thing that a lot of people struggle with it and I think it's approached in some really stupid ways, and a lot of people don't understand that it's not as simple as it seems.<br/>Thank you for reading and if any of you feel like talking about your own struggles I am down to hear you out, Or just talk, you can find me on insta: mangoinmyhijab it's not public tho so I will probs vet requests.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>How many times a day was it normal to think about jumping out the window? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama didn’t have a good frame of reference for normal things. He found these thoughts often swimming through his head. The voice wasn’t even a taunting malicious one, it was his own exhausted voice offering himself the image of defenestration for some comedic relief. He would think about it for a second before continuing on with his day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Random thoughts of death had become somewhat of a normal occurrence. He was in a constant state of suicidality, which was often misconstrued as always being on the verge of committing suicide. Feeling suicidal is more of a constant state of being in which one wishes away their existence. He was less focused on killing himself and more interested in the idea of not being alive. To live was to suffer, he was pretty sure he stole that phrase from somewhere. He didn’t really discuss his lack of enthusiasm about living much with others, it was simply a fact about him like his blue eyes and black hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t have an overly complicated reason for hurting himself. It wasn’t that deep. It was a self destructive urge, like any other, harming himself had taken on various forms before it became cutting. He used to not eat, relishing how the weakness and sickness of his body matched that of his mind. He just never seemed to have an appetite, food tasted like bland nothingness. His taste buds had all wilted and died off, diseased with depression. Without the joy of flavor, eating became nothing more than a dutiful, exhausting chore. But his limited eating had quickly become unfeasible with intense volleyball practice, so he forced himself to choke down food three times a day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> One day he had simply picked up his shaving razor with an overwhelming urge to hurt himself. He had sat there staring at it for an hour before hesitantly pushing it against his skin to make the smallest incision on his forearm. He watched as nothing happened, until small bubbles of blood suddenly appeared. He had dropped the razor, suddenly realizing what he was doing. From then on he had thought about the razor sitting in his bathroom cabinet as a source of comfort whenever he was in great distress. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew it wasn’t a healthy way to cope, but at that point he had destroyed enough of the world and relationships around him that all was left to destroy was himself. He didn’t see how it was different from his constant urge to break the glass of the windows around him, or throw things against the wall. Any other harmful or violent action would lead to him being heavily reprimanded for destruction of property and insolence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was plagued by such overwhelming emotions, that raged their way through him like a forest fire, spreading from his body out into the world. His emotions craved destruction, craved to feel something real, to feel something that could silence all the overbearing and critical noise in his head. He craved the blanketing silence that pain gave him, it was the only release from his mind's lashing whip. His soundless escape from self hatred had a bodily cost that he was forced to pay.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t know if he would describe the sensation as relief, it was more of a distraction. Pain had the ability to override every other bodily sensation and clear his mind of everything else. His body would go into overdrive, fighting back against his self destructive tendencies. Perhaps what he really enjoyed was the sensation of his body caring for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The seeping blood was always such a striking color of red. Kageyama found himself fascinated by the shade and the strangely watery consistency. He had learned to hurt himself in less noticeable places, and no one in his life cared to take a closer look. If they did notice they would think he was a teenager seeking attention, or in some emo phase, which bothered him immensely. He was endlessly frustrated when people dismissed self harm as attention seeking.Even if someone were hypothetically doing it for attention...why would anyone refuse to give someone the compassion they so desperately wanted and judge them instead?
Was there some sort of legitimacy test for what pain was worthy of taking seriously? He was endlessly frustrated by people’s stupidity when it came to the topic. Not that it mattered anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama had decided he wouldn’t carry out his plan until nighttime, it would be the best way to avoid running into anyone who could disrupt the process. He knew the best time to avoid running into the night staff in between their nightly checks. They wouldn’t notice he was gone for another hour and that was enough time for him to complete his mission. He couldn’t bear to do it in the room and inflict more suffering upon Hinata. He didn’t want to traumatize him further with the sight of blood. The bathroom was a safe bet. Hinata usually waited until others were roaming about when he went to the bathroom in the morning, and Kageyama knew there would be no chance of him going to the bathroom during the night. Or so he told himself as he slowly lifted himself out of bed at midnight and took light catlike steps towards the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He only allowed himself a single lingering glance towards the lump, that was Hinata’s form snoring in a blissfully ignorant sleep. He hadn’t seen the boy since his panic attack earlier that day. He wished he could hold Hinata’s hand, touch his soft curls, or kiss his rosy lips. He craved to feel the warmth of his sunshine presence, but the sun had set long ago. Now was Kageyama’s domain of nightmares, where the likes of Hinata did not belong. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama allowed himself to inhale his overwhelming sadness. He exhaled with the comforting thought that Hinata would be better off without him. He needed to remember that Hinata was precisely the reason he should go. Struck with new resolve, his fists clasped tightly around the memory of Hinata’s fearful face gazing up at him. Kageyama gently creaked open the door, walking through with an aching heart. He allowed the door to softly shut on his first love. </span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The hard tile felt cold underneath his palms. He enjoyed the soothing temperature that seemed to ground him in the moment. Why did he always end up in the bathroom? He didn’t let himself dwell on the humorous question. He had walked the plank of the hallways towards the gallows of the bathroom. He was the victim, judge and executioner of this trial. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His heart began to race, his hands shaking against the tile. He was hit with the enormity of what he was about to do. He found himself struggling to breathe, his lungs refusing to accept air. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t back down now, he had left a note for Hinata. He had thought long and hard about what to write. How was he supposed to trust ink and paper to encompass the intensity of his emotions for Hinata. Words had a way of betraying him when he needed them most. Instead he had settled for a neatly folded volleyball jersey, with a small note tucked in it’s folds. A simple two worded note: I’m sorry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His hands would not stop trembling as he unsheathed the knife, its metal edges glistening with anticipation under the harsh fluorescent light. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t deserve his body, he almost wanted to thank it for doing such a good job of keeping him alive, despite how he treated it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His body had realized his mind's betrayal and was once again protecting him. The dichotomy of a body that wants to stay alive, and a mind fighting to die. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had to get on with it before anyone noticed he was missing, the night staff might decide to check in earlier than usual. He gulped as he shakily rolled up his sleeve, the full expanse of his scars on display. For once the judgement of others slipped his mind. The pinkish scars webbed together, trapping his bluish veins in their intersections. His wounds called to him with seductive promises of setting him free. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took the blade in his hand with a tight grasp that failed in steadying his quivering hand. He lifted the blade to his wrist and pressed it against a smaller fading white scar. He couldn’t get himself to go straight for his deepest wound. He hissed in pain as the knife cut through skin, a trail of blood erupting in its wake. He swore at the pain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The trail of blood that ran down his wrist onto white tile felt like a vivid hallucination under the bright bathroom lights. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He prepared himself mentally for pain as he made another incision. This one was deeper than the last, the knife carving into an older healing wound on his wrist. His wound reopened, skin parting under his blade and a sea of red overtaking his wrist. He gasped out in pain, as his wrist lay immobile in his lap. He could see nothing but red. The knife fell from his hand, leaving a splatter of red dotting the floor, as the sound of it’s clatter echoed throughout the room. He gritted his teeth, there was no way he could pick up the knife now. One hand bleeding profusely and the other shaking so badly it couldn’t lift itself to be of any use. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The body really does do everything it can to survive. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He cursed his weakness and lack of planning. How sad. He would continue to suffer until he bled out. What a pitiful death. This defied the whole logic of escaping prolonged pain and suffering. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yet, here he was propped up against a bathroom wall suffering to the very end. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His blood was pooling slowly around him in a deathly embrace. He was beginning to feel lightheaded. His words, thoughts and feelings seemed to fizzle to life and then die out before they came to fruition. He was beginning to feel dizzy, his vision blurring around him. A sense of relief overtook him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t feel his pain anymore. His body was a ghostly entity floating beneath him. His head suddenly lolled to the side. His neck no longer able to support it. His body was holding onto a thin thread of consciousness, refusing to let him slip away, fighting bravely to the end. His eyes began to flutter to a close. His body was weightless now. He was above this ghastly world, ridding himself of a body weighed down with nothing but hatred and shame. He transcended beyond the world's ugly grasp, beyond his own self loathing and guilt, beyond the judgement of others, beyond the struggle of existence, beyond anyone's reach even his own. His grip on reality was finally fading, he was gone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>------------------------------------------------------------</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Something was roughly shaking him, disrupting his rest. He was grumpy. Why did he have to wake up now when he was sleeping so well, couldn’t they wait? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Someone was calling his name over and over again. He wanted to open his mouth and tell them to shut up but his whole body felt like it was made out of bricks. Why did he feel so tired? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This person was seriously annoying and loud. They kept screaming out for help, for someone to wake up. He pushed out a groan of protest through his hazy exhaustion, willing them to be quiet. The voice only seemed to get more frantic calling out to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He forced his eyelids to open the slightest bit, his eyes in slits taking a moment to come into focus. The first thing he noticed was the bathroom tile stained with something red. Then someone was leaning over him doing something to his arm. Why was he on the bathroom floor? He struggled to wade through the sludge of his mind for an answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His memories were slowly making their way back to him...that’s right he came here to die. He was suddenly struck with a moment of clarity...Hinata….Hinata was pressing down on his wrist trying to desperately stop the bleeding. He wanted to react, to push the boy away. He shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t see this, he wasn’t supposed to see this. How had he come to the bathroom by himself at night? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata met Kageyama’s hazy unfocused eyes, his eyes were filled with indescribable fear accompanied with tears. “Kageyama...stay awake...stay with me...it’s going to be ok...You are going to be ok.” His voice croaked out, attempting to soothe Kageyama despite his own panic. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama couldn’t respond, he was starting to feel the cold seeping into him. He was freezing. He tried to verbalize this “cold...why am I so cold?” Hinata’s eyes seemed to widen further. He moved closer to Kageyama’s body, still pressing down on his wrist and semi embraced him. “I am here now. I will keep you warm until Noya gets the night staff and doctors, ok? They will be here any minute! But you have to stay awake with me! You have to! Promise me you will Kageyama.” Kageyama didn’t have the heart to tell him that he couldn’t feel the warmth of his embrace. He had never heard Hinata sound so serious in the time he had known him. Kageyama tried to focus his energy on staying awake, appreciating the fact that he would get to see Hinata’s face one more time, even though it wasn’t under ideal circumstances.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> He had to tell him again how sorry he was in person, how much he loved and cared for him. He pooled together all his remaining energy and spoke words from the depth of his heart. There was no point in holding back the truth for stupid reasons like embarrassment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span> “Hinata…” Hinata’s large honey brown eyes turned to meet him. His eyes were incredibly dilated, his shaking hands taking in Kageyama’s soft tone. “Hinata...please forgive me...I am so sorry…” He forced himself to continue. “I want you to be happy....please be happy for me.” He paused for a single heart beat, “Hinata, I love you.” His final confession said with no hesitation, it left him exhausted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am going to sleep now.” He managed to mumble before blackness began to take over. Hinata’s shocked face was filled with too many emotions for Kageyama’s blood starved brain to handle. His strength was finally giving out, he was surprised he had lasted this long. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was lucky. Hinata was the last thing he would ever see. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then he was falling into a deep slumber, an endless abyss of blackness. As he descended into unconsciousness, he could hear the tail end of Hinata’s voice calling after him. “Kageyama!! Kageyama...NO! noo... you can’t...Kageyama, I love you too...Kageyama, Wake up please, please, please, wake up. I love you too....” Kageyama wanted to comfort him, to stroke his cheek, to wipe his tears, to apologize again, but it was too late and he was too far gone. Hinata’s desperate pleading voice trailed off into the void. Silence. Kageyama had dug his grave and he would lie in it now. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>wheewww imagine I just ended the story here. </p><p>Tl;dr/summary:<br/>Kageyama talks about his past self harm and how it started. He goes to the bathroom for his attempt after leaving an apology note for Hinata. He passes out from blood loss and Hinata finds him in the bathroom and sends Noya for a doctor to transport him. Kageyama tells hinata he is sorry and that he loves him and Hinata tells him he loves him too and then Kageyama passes out.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. The Sun and The Cloud</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I am back...sorry for the two week hiatus I was having a hard time writing, but here is an extra long chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Pain is what he felt first before anything else. He felt as if icy needles were being injected into his every vein. He seemed to be gaining a gradual awareness of himself, the heaviness that shrouded his every breath, the weight of a vengeful body angered at not being treated right. He allowed himself to sit behind the dark curtains of his eyelids for a moment longer, savouring the isolation before he would have to witness the world once again. </p><p>His eyes opened to a world bathed in light, he had to blink rapidly as his vision swam until he adjusted to the light. His body was stiff and sore from lack of movement and the rigidity of his hospital bed. He felt a familiar itchiness in his wrists, they were restrained to the bed limiting his ability to move them. The stiff white sheets adorning his body, and the strong smell of antiseptic hit him with violent waves of deja vu. He slowly attempted to move his head up from it’s flat position on the bed. He was hit with an intense spell of dizziness that forced his head back down, leaving him breathless. His life really was an endless cyclical tragedy, he figured he would always find himself repeating the same mistakes until he ended up imprisoned by blinding white walls of a hospital or the eternal darkness of a casket.<br/>
He felt a prick of wetness in his lashes, as his tears released themselves from the blue pools within his eyes. </p><p>He had failed again. </p><p>Why couldn’t he do anything right? </p><p>Kageyama had never been the crying type, having been instilled with enough knowledge on how to survive in a world plagued with toxic masculinity. </p><p>At the moment however, he didn’t give a damn. Tears streamed endlessly down his face as he found himself for the first time in a very long time sobbing loudly. There wasn’t enough air in the room or in the world to quell his heaving breaths. 

His tears began to mimic the endless drip of the IV looming over him. He let them fall off the the plain of his face, there was not much he could do to stop them. He felt so pathetic and vulnerable, unable to hide or wipe his tears with his restrained wrists. </p><p>He let his sadness overtake him. He let himself grieve. He let himself feel the extent of his emotional injuries that couldn’t be stitched up or restrained like the physical ones. He let himself wallow and stew in his broth of self pity and sorrow, which he seasoned with the endless salt of his tears. </p><p>He cried for himself, he cried for his sad childhood, he cried for the little boy longing for his older sister’s approval, he cried for his grandfather’s comfort, he cried for the years of self inflicted pain. He cried until all he could do was heave with emotions struggling to manifest. He cried until his body had nothing more to give. He finally let exhaustion take him once more and he drifted off into sleep.<br/>
--------------------------------</p><p>He felt a gentle breeze brushing against his hair. He could feel the gentle rays of the afternoon sun dancing across his body and warming his face. For a moment he almost convinced himself that he was in his bed at home, waking with the light of the early morning, his body ready to run to volleyball practice. Alas, when he opened his eyes he was met with the sight of an I.V. drip at his side. He scowled with a sad resignation at the now familiar dripping sound that had began to haunt his dreams. Before he could further contemplate what liquid was endlessly seeping into his veins, he heard a sharp intake of breath. </p><p>“Kage...yama? Are you awake?” The voice sounded so hesitant and unsure of itself. He didn’t need to turn his head to know who it belonged to. Kageyama felt his body tremble as he began to remember their last encounter. He refused to turn and meet those brown eyes that awaited him.  </p><p>He closed his eyes again. He wanted to close all the shutters of his consciousness and light up a neon sign that said “Kageyama is permanently closed.” But it was too late, he could feel a warm presence pushing closer to him, gently pressing against his shoulder. “Kageyama are you awake? Are you ok? Should I call the doctor? They said if you woke up that I should try to keep you awake.” His voice was laced with an underlying current of concern and fear, that Kageyama hoped he would never hear again. </p><p>Kageyama hesitantly opened his eyes back up. He finally allowed himself to meet those wide brown eyes dotted with glints of amber. He felt like he was seeing Hinata for the first time all over again. Hinata was backlit by the dying rays of the setting sun, his hair seemed to be wilder than usual spawning demonic curls spread every which way. Perhaps this sense of novelty is what happens when you think you are never going to see someone again.
 Yet, here Kageyama was watching Hinata’s hair glistening in the sunlight once again and he was just as breathless as the first time. </p><p>The sunlight suddenly lit the plains of Hinata’s eyes….Kageyama choked back a sound...his eyes were lackluster, void of their softness, enveloped in red rings and puffed up lids. He had caused this, hadn’t he? He had made Hinata cry so much that his eyes were swollen and empty.</p><p>Hinata’s eyes remained wide, taking in Kageyama’s every movement with attentiveness. He had to reassure Hinata somehow, he deserved that at the very least. However, Kageyama didn’t know if he was capable of words, his throat was still parched and raw from his crying session. He struggled to formulate an obvious lie, “I’m fine” he managed to croak out gruffly, his voice only breaking slightly. </p><p>Hinata huffed with relief, donning a small frown, “Bakayama, I am so glad you are awake.” His tone was unusually quiet and subdued. Kageyama continued to stare at him blankly, fixated on his demonic nest of hair. </p><p> Hinata gave him a tentative look, “You don’t have to say anything about what happened right now. But I wanted to tell you that I don’t blame you for what happened earlier that day. I am sorry for pushing you away like that, but I couldn’t help it. I wish I could just erase it all.” Hinata looked so sad and small, clutching onto the end of his hoodie as he spoke. Kageyama didn’t want to say anything but he knew he had to release the guilt weighing him down. </p><p>“Hinata...I’m sorry...I didn’t want you to be there. I didn’t mean to make you suffer. I was the one who messed up and hurt you so many times.” He refused to meet Hinata’s gaze, looking forward at the blank wall, as his raspy voice stuttered through an apology. 

To his surprise Hinata reacted instantly to his words, grabbing his chin, forcing him to meet eyes raging with emotion. “Stop..Stop that right now...you shouldn’t be sorry for making me sad, because you know what I’m not sad anymore...I am angry.” Kageyama’s eyes widened in confusion, he frowned at Hinata who’s grasp on his cheeks only tightened. </p><p>Hinata’s face mirrored his frown, refusing to back down, deeming Kageyama well enough to unleash of his flood of emotions. “I am mad at you. I am furious. How could you! How dare you tell me you love me and then leave...how could you make me think we were so close...that we would be there to support each other….and then leave me behind...” Hinata might have said that he was angry but his voice betrayed him as his tears broke through. He impressively managed to keep an angry pout on his face despite the tears streaking their way down his pale cheeks. Kageyama’s heart ached, he wished he could reach out and wipe Hinata’s tears but his hands were still incapacitated. Kageyama was at a loss of words and emotions, he didn’t know how to feel anymore. Hinata finally let his cheeks go, slumping in his chair, angrily rubbing away at his tears. </p><p>He began to speak again, his voice tinted with an exhausted sadness. </p><p>“Kageyama...I think you are incredible...I think you are kind, and talented, and stupid, and I want you to talk to me about what you are feeling. I want to be there when you are feeling hopeless, and work through it together.” Hinata said, finally looking up again, his fingertips gently caressing Kageyama’s hand. </p><p>“Please promise me...promise me you won’t give up again.” Hinata was forcing himself to stay strong, but Kageyama could tell that he was doing it for reassurance. He needed the false promise of words to keep his anxiety at bay. Kageyama couldn’t give him that. He knew that he would disappoint Hinata again and again. He didn’t want to watch Hinata break down time after time because of Kageyama’s flaws and stupidity. </p><p>He would never be able to rid himself of the image of Hinata rocking back and forth in the corner, refusing his touch, or the image of Hinata’s terrified eye’s begging Kageyama to stay awake.<br/>
Kageyam had to get rid of him, that was the only solution. Hinata’s presence was too much, it put too much at stake. He wouldn’t be able to die with the image of Hinata begging him to stay lingering in his mind. If Kageyama couldn’t succeed in killing himself now, he had to kill his emotions for the Hinata. He didn’t want the both of them to suffer anymore. </p><p>He needed Hinata to leave if Kageyama couldn’t. He needed Hinata’s presence to piss him off, so that he could hate him, it was the only way. He couldn’t let himself believe Hinata’s words. Even if Hinata believed them to be true they were ephemeral like everything else. Hinata would soon realize it as well. </p><p>He closed his eyes and forced his anger to bubble to the surface. He hated how easy it was to let his anger slither in and wrap around him, whispering vicious thoughts into his soul.<br/>
He latched onto the thoughts as they came. He couldn’t bear to stand in front of Hinata whose sunny essence was the product of a happy, fulfilling childhood and a supportive family. Hinata wanted him to never give up and trust that others would care, when he had been pampered with love his whole life. Hinata wouldn’t understand what it was like to never have known kindness and trust. </p><p>Kageyama let jealousy rear its ugly head within him, building on his earlier tears of self pity and hatred. He must truly be a horrible person to allow himself to be jealous of Hinata, but he already knew that. He had to push on and finish this while he could. </p><p>He let himself imagine the person he could have been. He let himself dwell on all the what if’s that had passed him by, choosing someone else for a kinder fate. Perhaps he had been terrible in another life and this one was his punishment. He sure hadn’t saved up any positive karma to make a good case for having a better life next time around. </p><p>Hinata poked at him trying to gain his attention. Kageyama roughly pushed his hand away, with what little movement his shoulder could muster, uncomfortably turning away from Hinata.<br/>
“I can’t promise you anything. You wouldn’t understand what it’s like. You just need to leave me alone.” He gruffly retorted, forcing himself to stay as still as possible to quell his shaking. </p><p>Hinata, still filled with his earlier anger, huffed in response, “Try me, Bakayama. You know you’d be surprised. I know we aren’t the same but that doesn’t mean I haven’t struggled or that I can’t empathize.” </p><p>This was perfect fuel to further his anger, he let himself ignite. He found himself turning towards Hinata aggressively, resisting the impossible urge to hold him by the collar. “No… Your childhood was all sunshine and rainbows. You wouldn’t understand not now, not ever. So stop pretending that the rest of us can be as perfect and as happy as you. I am not like you. I am not a good person. I can’t be happy, I have never been able too….I never will be able too. You can’t expect me to make such an empty promise.” The anger in his voice began to die. He knew he couldn’t keep it up for long with Hinata sitting next to him looking like some ragged doll abandoned by its owner. </p><p>“Hinata you are like sunshine, even when you are down you still shine so bright.” Even in Hinata’s darkest moment he was like an eclipsed sun, forcefully glowing even from behind the shadow of the moon.<br/>
“I am like a cloudy day, a stormy night that nobody wants because I keep you away from them. All I want is you to stay, even if I bring everyone down, because I am so so selfish. I want to be around you….even when I know I don’t deserve it, even though you don’t deserve the punishment of my company.” Kageyama held back the tears that threatened to release themselves. </p><p>“You don’t understand because everyone loves you….because I love you. But I destroy the things that I love. I am unlovable. I have been basking in your light for so long now, it almost made me think that I deserved it. It almost made me feel like I could have a happy life, that I could somehow be like you, live like you, be by your side. But the truth is I can’t be like you, I will never be able to be as happy, as loving, as patient or perfect as you….” His voice sounded so bitter and broken. He spit out the words unable to get them out of his mouth fast enough. </p><p>“I am so incredibly selfish because I want you around me even though I hurt you and triggered you. I want your sunlight so badly, ever since I got the smallest taste of it I’ve become addicted. I want you….but I can’t have you and so I need you to leave me behind like everyone else. If I am gone, you can always shine brightly and fight off every cloud that threatens you.”</p><p>Hinata looked at him with shock written all over his face, his eyes growing wider by the second, taking on a look of sadness that quickly morphed into one of anger, “You can’t live or die for others, that’s not fair and that’s not how it works. I know you are in pain. Your suffering may seem insurmountable right at this moment, and I can't promise that it will go away, but I can promise to be there as you try and I will be there as you fail.” His words sounded so controlled, yet there was a strong sense that they were the calm before a storm of words. </p><p>“But the real question is can you do the same for me? How can you be by my side if you think I am perfect all the time? You think that I just get up everyday and I am instantly happy and that’s how my life has been?” His voice held a bitterness of its own. His eyes flashed with pain and Kageyama’s stomach twister with anticipation of what was left to be said.</p><p>He choked on his words but refused to back down from challenging Kageyama’s glare. “Even before I was….raped… I was weighed down with the burden of having to be perfect, being the perfect older brother, being the perfect son, being the perfect teammate.” </p><p>Hinata stood up so abruptly his plastic chair fell back clattering against the floor, startling Kageyama. His fists were clenched so tightly he wouldn’t be surprised if he was holding back the desire to shake some sense into Kageyama. </p><p>“Kageyama YOU are the one who doesn’t understand. You wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be me. The odds were never against you, and I don’t hold that against you, in fact I am happy that you don’t have the same struggles as me. I had to work three times as hard as everyone else to even get a sliver of the recognition. I didn’t have the luxury of showing others how sad and hurt I felt. I wasn’t allowed to show them anything less than perfection. I struggled and never gave up on life...even when I really wanted to because it felt like that was what everyone expected of me and I would rather die than let them be right” </p><p>Hinata was heaving at Kageyama, salvia gathered at the edges of his mouth. His bloodshot eyes only served to emphasize his look of unhinged anger. </p><p>“When I was hurting or sad or exhausted I wasn’t allowed to show it.  Everyone depended on me to be their support, to be their happiness, to be their sunshine. They didn’t know that I was burning myself up to keep them warm and happy. I glowed so bright that no one could actually stop and look at me….and see that I was wasting away right in front of them...for them. Everyone thought I belonged up in the sky, but it’s so lonely up there.” His voice lost momentum, he seemed to shrink with every breath now, the lack of sleep, and overwhelming emotions of the last couple of days finally catching up to him. </p><p>“Everyone is always looking up at me with awe, admiring me, but they never ask me if I want to be up there. They never offer me a hand to sooth my flames or the chance to share the loneliness of being in the sky. No one ever tells me that it’s ok to rest, to take a break, to not glow so bright. No one remembers that the sun is a burning star, that it will explode one day from exhaustion, burning up everything else with it, imploding the whole world that depends on it. They think it’s rays will shine down forever.” Hinata was pointing at Kageyama incriminatingly, his hand shaking. </p><p> “One day after the sun is extinguished and the stars fade out, there will be nothing left but darkness. But people still believe that I will always be there to ward everything away for them, like I am some god. But you know what Kageyama? If you actually love me, then don’t let me be alone on a pedestal in the sky, imprisoned by you and everyone else’s expectations, let me be what I am a human….a flawed, hurt, broken human.” His voice quivered as he spoke. He bit his lip in an attempt to hold in his trembling voice.  </p><p>“I want to feel the fully human. Let me be imperfect, let me be flawed, let me be dark and moody and brooding, let me have my bad days, my tired days, and when I do... assure me that my so-called imperfections are also a reflection of how divine I am. Let me believe that I can be loved in any form. Remind me that you will stick by me anyway, even when I am not the beacon of hope and light you think I am. Even when I am broken and bruised and covered in vomit on the bathroom floor...tell me you love me then.”</p><p> Hinata’s final words seemed to echo through the room, the whole room alight with the intensity of Hinata’s fears and emotions. Hinata took a final trembling breath and ran out of the room, leaving Kageyama filled with regret at the stupidity of another one of his failed plans.</p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Announcement</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please move onto the next chapter! This was a hiatus note I just didn't want to delete all the supportive comments on this thank you all &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hello, sorry for being misleading I just didn’t know how else to add a note. I am going to be taking at least another week away, potentially more from this fanfic. You guys have been amazing, I don’t know how I would have gotten through this summer without your lovely comments, getting to talk to you all has made me so happy! 
 I haven’t been feeling great and there is a lot going on.<br/>
Please send me good vibes, energy, prayers, etc. that I get this job I’m applying for<br/>
Hope you all take care of yourselves in the meantime! &lt;3</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Selfish</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>HIIIII!<br/>Thank you all for being so patient with me :)<br/>I missed you all! I am excited to be posting again and reading all your comments.<br/>I would love to know what you think of this chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The doctor's voice seemed to drone on about the effect his attempt had on his arm.</p><p>“In surviving patients, the consequent effects on deep structures like arteries, nerves, and tendons can drastically impair hand function. However we don’t believe your wounds hit any major nerves so if you don’t over use it and let the stitches do their job I expect you to make a full recovery.” </p><p>Kageyama did feel the slightest bit relieved that he hadn’t fucked up his hand for good, but as his doctor prescribed him some medications his mind strayed back to thinking about Hinata. It’s all he had done for the past two days, since a teary Hinata had stormed out of his room. </p><p>He was still stupidly hopeful every time someone opened the door. His eyes immediately searched for honey brown mixed with a flash of enthusiastic orange, only to be meet with constant disappointment instead. He huffed in frustration at himself, he was yearning for Hinata’s presence, but he didn’t know how to reach the other boy. </p><p>He wanted to know how Hinata was doing. His aching heart replayed the image of Hinata’s tear streaked face, red rimmed wide eyes, his mouth’s wobbly attempt at composure, the waver in his voice as he spoke. Kageyama held onto the image of the other boy’s face, maybe if he forced himself to relive it then Hinata wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.</p><p>Alas, he had to come to terms with his lack of mobility, he wouldn’t be going anywhere for a while. </p><p>His own selfishness hurt him more than anything else. Hating yourself is strangely a very self centered thing to do. He was so incapable of looking past his own suffering and misery. He was stuck making everything about himself —and his interactions with others— into reasons to hate himself. Which is an incredibly self centered way of viewing the world. The irony of being this self aware was that it served no purpose but pushing him into a self fulfilling prophecy. Realizing how self centered he was simply affirmed that he was a piece of shit, a terrible person, therefore the logical conclusion was that he should hate himself. </p><p>He supposed he could do better, he could decide to change so perhaps he wouldn’t hate himself so much. He had the occasional itch to be a better person, the thought occurring to him on more hopeful days that perhaps he had the ability to not hate himself. But much like the itch emanating from his wounds wrapped under layers of gauze, his desire to change remained unscratched, out of reach to his restrained hands. The itch left untouched simply evolved into tortuous deep seated festering regret.  </p><p>-------------------------------------------------------------<br/>
Two days after Hinata’s visit, Tanaka, Noya, Asahi, and Yamaguchi came to visit, much to  Kageyama’s surprise. </p><p>They were the same as ever. Noya’s rambunctious presence served to dull the underlying tension of unsaid words that hung thickly over the room. </p><p>“So have you ever been bottyjuiced?” Noya said while leaning forward, a single eyebrow raised inquistely, a large mischievous grin plastered onto his impish face. </p><p>Kageyama blanched unsure what the hell Noya was implying. </p><p>Tanaka’s roar of a laugh disrupted his thoughts. “Kageyama your face….” He slapped his knee with amusement, propping his elbow onto his seated legs for support. </p><p>Yamaguchi looked at him sympathetically and with a small smile of amusement he explained. “It’s what happens when they are trying to sedate you, sometimes they have to put it ….up the butt….people call it booty juice.” Yamaguchi explained awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck, his face tinged a slight pink. </p><p>“No, I haven’t.” Replied Kageyama gruffely, frowning down at his lap. His bangs had grown out over his stay at the hospital, and he found them constantly falling into his eyes<br/>
“Well this bad boy over here has.” Noya said slapping Tanaka on the back much to Tanaka’s disdain. </p><p>“Bro...why do you go around telling people that…” </p><p>As they bickered back and forth, Yamaguchi attempted small talk, “The others wanted to come too, but they have a limit on when we can go and how many people at once. So I am sure they will come back soon. They were all really worried and wanted to know how you were doing?” </p><p>His face was a concoction of anxiety and earnestness, that reflected the genuinity of his concern. His freckled face seemed to hold no contempt towards Kageyama, instead he attempted to maintain eye contact with Kageyama as he twiddled his fingers anxiously awaiting his answer. </p><p>Kageyama had found himself being asked how he was by every person who entered the room. He was unable to verbalize an answer, even a fake one, it’s not like anyone would believe him if he said he was doing great. He didn’t really know how he was doing. His emotions were still sealed away underneath the weight of his exhausted body. </p><p>Yamaguchi cleared his throat, and anxiously rubbed the back of his neck, his cowlick bobbing up and down. He seemed to be hesitant as to whether he should speak, so Kageyama gave him time to gather his courage. </p><p>“You know Hinata refused to eat or cooperate with any of the planning or activities until he was allowed to visit you.” Yamaguchi furtively glanced at Kageyama’s face to see how he was reacting. Kageyama felt his face heat up, as it occurred to him that everyone seemed to know about his relationship with Hinata. But his guilt outweighed his embarrassment, and he felt shame sink it’s claws deep within him. He looked down at his bandaged wrist unable to meet Yamaguchi and Asahi’s gentle gazes'. </p><p>He cleared his throat finally forcing his words into existence, “How...how is Hinata doing?” </p><p>Yamaguchi and Asahi had a silent conversation with their eyes, before Asahi spoke up, his voice gentle as always. “Hinata is not doing great. He hasn’t been sleeping or eating well.” He rushed to continue his sentence as he saw the pained expression that flashed across Kageyama’s usually neutral features. But that’s not your fault, you know a lot has been going on with everyone, so please don’t blame yourself.” Kageyama found himself closing his eyes to focus his breath and center himself. </p><p>Asahi noticed and this only increased his distress double fold. Asahi seemed to be on the verge of tears, his panicked voice telling Yamaguchi that he had made everything worse and that he should have never said anything. Kageyama’s eyes remained closed as he attempted to block out their presence, unable to think of a response now that he knew Hinata’s condition.  Thankfully, Yamaguchi stepped up and spoke comforting words as he gently rubbed Asahi’s back and reassured him. </p><p>At that moment, the nurse on duty entered the room for her usual check in and took one look at a teary Asahi, a bickering Tanaka and Noya, whose altercation had escalated to them play-wrestling with each other and Kageyama’s distressed face and shooed all the visitors out the room with a stern warning and reminder that they were in a hospital. </p><p> As the boys gave their apologetic goodbyes to Kageyama, assuring him that they would be back much to the nurses dismay.
Noya and Tanaka ran down the hallway, Aasahi following quietly under the watchful gaze of the nurse. </p><p>However, Yamaguchi, lingered back an extra moment swaying anxiously back and forth on the balls of his feet, before fixing Kageyama with a soft gaze. “No one blames you for anything to do with Hinata...We can all tell how much he cares about you which is why you need to give him some time and I am sure he will try to contact you even after he leaves in three days.” He said as he awkwardly patted Kageyama’s shoulder. </p><p>His face lit up suddenly, “Oh, I almost forgot!” He rummaged his jacket pocket and pulled out a somewhat crinkled card and handed it to Kageyama shyly, “This is from everyone at the unit, those who couldn’t come wrote you stuff.” With a final assessing look Yamaguchi headed to the door not without turning back one last time. “We will see you soon Kageyama!”  </p><p>Kageyama didn’t have time to process the card that was shoved into his lap, he was still stuck on the realization that Hinata would be leaving soon. </p><p>His stomach filled with dread, he had to see him before he left. His heart was gripped with fear, if Hinata left the hospital there was a chance he would never see him again. </p><p>All the smiles Hinata had directed his way, all the gentle touches, all the quirked inquisitive looks on his wide eyes, his nagging voice urging Kageyama to continue sharing, all the mischievous challenges, and dramatic stories filled with Hinata created onomatopoeia’s.... </p><p>He didn’t want to lose Hinata. No..he couldn't lose Hinata...He wouldn’t let himself lose Hinata. </p><p>He might be a fuck up and a self hating idiot but for once he was briming with more determination than he had felt in the past seventeen years of his life combined. </p><p>He wouldn’t let Hinata leave while he was sad and alone, he wouldn’t let him just leave without a goodbye. He knew he was being selfish considering how willing he had been to leave Hinata with a half assed goodbye note. </p><p>Well, he had already established that he was a self centered piece of shit, but since he had acknowledged that much, he might as well act on his most selfish desire. </p><p>Right now he wanted nothing more than to grab Hinata close and allow his lips  to express all the words and emotions his mind seemed to fumble upon verbalization. 

He wanted to apologize properly for what he said, he wanted to let Hinata know that he had been self obsessed that he had failed to see Hinata for who he really was, and that he was being selfish again by asking Hinata to forgive him. </p><p>He wanted to tell Hinata exactly how he felt about him. He wanted to tell them that he would be there in his time of weakness, he would walk him to the bathroom every single night, hig him out of his nightmares. He still knew that he wasn't worthy of being the one by his side, but he wanted to stay there anyway. </p><p> He knew Hinata might be better off without him and his mood swings and sadness, he knew that he couldn’t promise Hinata anything...he couldn’t promise him to be happy, or hopeful or even that he would never attempt again.  </p><p>But Hinata had said he didn’t want to be left behind again, and now Kageyama finally understood that feeling, he didn’t want Hinata to leave him behind when he went out into the world. He wanted to play volleyball with Hinata, he wanted to hold his hand, he wanted to pepper every inch of his face with kisses... God he wanted to play volleyball with him so bad. </p><p>He was so goddamn in love. </p><p>How could he have all these feelings for Hinata. How could a 5 ft 3’ boy be the one thing that moved his heart into action. He didn’t know but he was afraid and he knew his fears were rational.<br/>
He was terrified of so many things, that they overwhelmed him intensely. </p><p>He was terrified of being rejected, of being scorned, abandoned, left behind, he was terrified that his fucked up brain, mental illness and personality would be too much for Hinata.<br/>
His hands were quaking with all his fearful thoughts running through his nerves, but he forced himself to confront them, to acknowledge that they were all possibilities, that he or Hinata could relapse, that he could/would feel obsolete, small and empty again, even with Hinata by his side. That Hinata could disassociate, isolate himself and reject Kageyama, that Hinata was allowed to be a mess, they could both be sad messes together. </p><p>As these thoughts shook his body, Kageyama gently propped himself up and called for the nurse.</p><p>He reminded himself Hinata was still struggling, that he would probably mess up on occasion and trigger Hinata and that he would have to live with himself if he did. </p><p>He would have to live with himself. He would live with himself…..could he? He didn’t know if he could...but perhaps he was willing to try. </p><p>He had to find Hinata.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I wasn't sure if I was making Kageyama's thought pattern shift too suddenly to being a little more positive? but i don't think it's actually super positive, it's more a a realization that he would rather fail with Hinata by him, rather than not have him at all? like he is being very selfish because he wants Hinata around even if he can't promise that he won't kill himself, but that he will try?<br/>anyway love you all, hope you are all doing ok &lt;3</p>
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<a name="section0020"><h2>20. What If</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello my lovely readers! I hope you enjoy this chapter. </p><p>I unfortunately got rejected from the job i took a bunch of time off to do three interviews for and as a result i am spiraling a bit into a pit of depression and although it's shitty in general it means I have more time to write.<br/>But don't worry I will just give my sadness and self hatred to poor Kageyama instead. :(</p><p>In happier news I cosplayed my sad boi Kageyama for halloween, if you want to see my cosplay and/or be my friend this is my tiktok username @blobofanime<br/>i am always looking for friends who like anime :)<br/>I also hit 50,000 words that's wild I can't believe it got this long!! Thanks for sticking around!<br/>\</p><p>Also user @clowwwwn translated this fic into russian (which is amazing) if any of you all feel like reading it in Russian, the link is in the fic summary!<br/>Sending you all lots of love.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His heart was thumping painfully in his chest, he wasn’t sure if it was out of general anxiety, the possibility of seeing Hinata or his confinement to his room.<br/>
He had talked the nurse into asking Dr. Sugawara to check in on him. He had prepared a lengthy argument on why he was entitled to see Dr. Sugawara. He confidently claimed that he had personal matters he could only discuss with his previous doctor. </p><p>Apparently, his efforts hadn’t really mattered because the nurse rolled her eyes at him and used her pager to call Dr. Sugawara over with an exasperated sigh. She told him he was lucky that Dr. Sugawara was on duty today. She said he would pass by when he was doing his rotation with patients on this floor later that day. She didn’t give him a time frame, leaving him to stew in his worries, after making sure he swallowed his meds. </p><p>He was in a state of fidgety anxiety, jumping slightly with every beep of a monitor, or squeak of a nurse's shoe. </p><p>He had to prepare himself for Dr. Sugawara’s inquisitive gaze and prodding questions. He had to consider the extra scrutiny he would be subjected to considering he had requested to see him. Dr. Sugawara wasn’t going to let him get away with small talk, especially if he was going to build up to asking him to see Hinata. </p><p>The doctor always had a way of making Kageyama feel like he was so exposed. As if all his insecurities and struggles were written in his eyes. All it took was one piercing glance from Dr. Sugawara to break through his outer layer. He was left feeling like a vulnerable raw wire, buzzing with anxiety, waiting to lash out. </p><p>This time he couldn’t afford to lash out. He went over his plan of action again and again, until he had worn down the trail of thoughts. He would start by opening up about his attempt, slip in some emotional vulnerability, and finish up on an appreciative note that he was alive for another day. </p><p>He would sacrifice any sense of dignity, and/or defiance to get Dr. Sugawara on his side. If he could somehow convince Dr.Sugawara to let him go back to the unit to see Hinata, then he would spew whatever bullshit he had too. </p><p>He let himself take a deep breath and push his emotions to the forefront of his mind. He let himself get overwhelmed with the anxiety, panic, sadness and the pain….the pain that was always there, a silent companion that he had gotten so comfortable with he often forgot its presence. </p><p>He tried to relax his stiff shoulders, taking deep breaths that made his body ache with his various injuries. He willed himself to erase the deeply etched frown from his face, only to curse as it appeared seconds later out of habit. </p><p>He did not have a large repertoire of facial expressions, he had spent most of his life sculpting his face into a foreboding and unwelcoming frown. He had always been told that he was an expressionless, cold and unlovable child. It was too late for him to start smiling now when he wasn’t even sure if his muscles knew how. It didn’t help that everyone had always told him that his smile was horrifically nightmarish. </p><p>Except that was a lie... there was one person who had appreciated his smile. He was hit with a flashback of a gentle afternoon not all that long ago. Hinata had stood by a window grasping a volleyball tightly in his hands, suddenly gasping, “YOU SMILED!”</p><p>His eyes had been filled with so much awe that you would think he had just met the little giant. Kageyama had stood in the shadow of Hinata’s joy, incredibly embarrassed, yet unable to look away from the admiration in Hinata’s eyes. He had scoffed and brushed off the praise that followed, “You should do that more often, you have a nice smile!” Hinata’s were utterly sincere but Kageyama was too self deprecating to let himself believe him. He had already dropped his smile, replacing it with a frown that allowed him to mask the aching twitch in his lips that wanted him to smile at Hinata again and again. </p><p>Kageyama’s hand reached up to his face and to his surprise he was met with a steady stream of tears making their way down his pale cheeks. He was surprised by how easily the tears came to him. They seemed to have been waiting for him to release his grip and relax his body. The surprise only served to make the tears turn into gasping sobs intermingled with physical pain.<br/>
Why was everything to do with living so difficult? He had been trying to make himself emotional for Dr. Sugawara looks like he had overdone it. </p><p>He let himself relish in the coolness his salty tears brought to his feverish face. He had a hard time crying for most of his life. His emotions were a dichotomy of their own, so overwhelming, clinging to him all at once demanding to be felt, or non-existent, hollow emptiness where emotions once were.  He felt it all at once or not at all. </p><p>Kids his age had always seen him as cold, haughty and distant, only capable of expressing anger and rage. The truth was he was so numb that he didn’t even register his own lack of reaction to everything around him. He knew his depression was a creeping cold that grew with age, and had numbed him with time. It consumed him until his heart stung with frostbite and his tears froze behind emotionless eyelids. </p><p>He hadn’t been able to cry when he really needed to. When he got kicked off the volleyball club, when his parents screamed in his face, when his grandfather died…..even when he knew he was dying on the inside. Even when every inch of his body was so aware of how fucked up he and everything around him was, the only thing that could awaken him was the fire of bristling rage that burned through everything else. </p><p>He was surprised how easily and how often he had cried since he entered the hospital. Perhaps the combination of anti depressants and sedatives he was on were making him more emotional, letting everything melt out of his control. Another possibility occurred to him as he thought about how often he had found himself watching Hinata as he expressed his emotions so loudly. The hum of Hinata’s bright and ringing laughter, and the echoes of his breathless sorrowful sobs. Perhaps Hinata was responsible for some of his emotional awakening. He let himself believe that Hinata had rubbed off on him. </p><p>He shook his head at his idiocy; he had to get his shit together, Dr.Sugawara could waltz in at any moment.<br/>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p> </p><p>Another hour passed by before Dr.Sugawara came by. Kageyama immediately noticed that he seemed to be exhausted, bags hung heavy under his eyes, his hair looked more lackluster than usual and even his usually ironed and well maintained white coat was somewhat rumpled. </p><p>Dr. Sugawara still met Kageyama with a smile, it only made Kageyama’s stomach twist with growing guilt. He reminded himself to relax. He needed to minimize his standoffish mannerisms to look more manageable and less of a threat.</p><p>“How are you doing Kageyama? Is everything ok? They told me that you requested me personally because you said you would be most comfortable with a doctor who already knew you? I am afraid I have to finish my rounds but I have ten minutes to spare.” He said not unkindly looking at his watch, as he stood near the foot of Kageyama’s bed. </p><p>Kageyama’s throat betrayed him as he choked on air in a nervous attempt to speak. As he awkwardly coughed to cover up his inadequacy, Dr. Sugawara gently brought him some water, eliciting a strong sense of deja vu to his first meeting with the Doctor. He let himself take his time sipping his water, buying himself much needed time to get his shit together. </p><p>He took a deep breath, and forced himself to speak with an unwavering voice. </p><p>“Dr.Sugawara, I wanted to apologize.” Dr. Sugawara looked at him with thinly veiled surprise before quickly masking his face back into the epitome of professionalism. </p><p>Kageyama swallowed nervously, “I said a lot of rude and insensitive things to you and I snapped at you when you were only trying to help me. I want to sincerely apologize for putting you and everyone in the unit through so much.” He let his head hang low.</p><p>Dr.Sugawara seemed completely caught off guard, as he stood gaping at Kageyama’s bowed head. He snapped out of it to respond, his voice gentle if not slightly quizzical, “I appreciate the apology Kageyama. I understand that you were in a difficult place, and I am glad you have gained the awareness and growth to realize how you affect the people who care about you.”<br/>
Kageyama nodded solemnly not daring to look up, “I have had a lot of time to think while recovering and I realized how much I learned from others about myself.” He cringed at how cheesey he sounded, was he overdoing it? Would Dr.Sugawara see right through him?</p><p>Dr.Sugawara sighed in response, making Kageyama go rigid with anticipation only to relax in relief as Dr. Sugawara took a seat near his bed. </p><p>“I am so incredibly glad to hear that. You won’t be let back into our unit when you have physically recovered enough to be moved, but I hope you remember your stay kindly and know we were glad to have you. I think you don’t realize how much others also learned from you and how much you helped those around you.”</p><p>Kageyama’s eyes widened and he couldn’t help but look up to see if Dr.Sugawara was mocking him, considering the shit he had pulled and the gruesome scene he had subjected the others to.<br/>
Dr. Sugawara met him with a steady gaze, “I know you are doubting yourself right now. But let me tell you, as the person who reads all the reports, I know the impact you all have on one another. Between the two of us, I think you have had a very positive effect on Tsukishima, which was quite surprising-I know.” He said with a chuckle as he caught the look of pure shock on Kageyama’s face. 

“He specifically came to talk to me about you. While he pretended your attempt didn’t affect him, I could tell he was very concerned about you and he specifically felt responsible because of his choice of language and his aggression towards you.”</p><p>Dr. Sugawara’s gaze didn’t waver as Kageyama’s eyes blinked with the sting of the memory of those harsh words that had sent him spiralling further into his already suicidal mind.<br/>
“It...it wasn’t his fault, what he said...I deserved it. I was already...I had already been thinking about it...can you tell him that?” Kageyama’s voice was low and begrudging but completely sincere.<br/>
“Don’t worry we talked to him about it extensively, he knows it’s not his fault. However, I think you really made him stand back and think deeply about the effect his words have on others. I hate that he had to suffer through the guilt of a potentially fatal situation but it was a wake up call for him and is already helping him break through some of his general apathy and indifference towards the world.” </p><p>Kageyama had been completely taken aback with the direction of the conversation, but he figured that he could use it to his advantage. </p><p>“Umm since you think I have had some positive effect on the unit, do you think I could visit them? Just...just to say goodbye to everyone. I could even talk to Tsukishima since it might help ease his guilt…” He hated that he didn’t sound as confident as he hoped, he couldn’t fully meet Dr. Sugawara’s eyes, his head bowing slightly.  </p><p>After a beat of silence, he finally looked up to meet Dr. Sugawara’s studying gaze and knew instantaneously that he wasn’t going to get to see Hinata. He blinked his eyes and when they opened Dr. Sugawara’s eyes were filled with a sorrowful understanding. He knew what Kageyama was really after and thought he wasn’t ready for it or perhaps he didn’t deserve it. </p><p>“Unfortunately, I can’t let you back into the unit...Those who wish to visit were given permission for a nurse monitored visit earlier this week during their free time.” Dr. Sugawara hadn’t needed to spell it out. Hinata had the opportunity to visit him but chose not to. He felt himself deflate, his shoulders dropping down and a sense of crippling dread welling in his chest.<br/>
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.. why couldn’t he do anything right?  </p><p>He couldn’t get himself to look and catch the pitying look Dr. Sugawara was giving him. </p><p>He swallowed back the tears rising in his throat and nodded in confirmation, willing Dr. Sugawara to leave so that he could process yet another failure. </p><p>Dr. Sugawara got up from his chair seeming to understand that Kageyama wanted to be alone, “I will leave you to your thoughts. I have to get back to my rounds, but tell you what I will come see you before you are discharged next week. I believe in you Kageyama!” with a final sad smile he left the room, walking briskly down the hall to his next patient.  </p><p> </p><p>Kageyama was exhausted, and not simply on a physical level, but emotionally and mentally as well.  He felt like he had lived multiple lifetimes, millions and millions of  years and was now drained from the effort of trying, hoping, living….</p><p>It was so much easier to give in to the despair, to the voice that sewed endless doubt into his mind and soul. </p><p>Kageyama had always been the type to get hung up on what if’s. What if he hadn’t lashed out at Hinata? What if he never opened up to him in the first place? What if Hinata had gone to a different hospital? What if Kageyama had actually died? </p><p>He was haunted by all the infinity possibilities and all the missed opportunities he had failed to take advantage of. He had always believed that his haunting guilt was what made him such a genius setter. His much admired ability to pinpoint where his sets would go was the result of hours of overanalyzing every single mistake he made after every game. His guilt and fear of self punishment allowed him to notice the minute details of his body in a way no one else ever could. He didn’t need a coach, his parents or a teammate to berate him for failure, he already punished himself harsher than they ever could. </p><p>He had spent many nights imagining all the ways in which he could have done better.</p><p> What if he had been born into a kinder family? What if his sister had taken him with her? What if he wasn’t so fucking sad all the time? And again what if he died? </p><p>With the endless what ifs came crushing guilt and bitterness. The punishing guilt for all the potential futures he wasted and the endless bitterness of knowing life was better for others and what if it could have been better for him? What if it was his fault everything was so shitty? What if he could pinpoint the moment everything went wrong and change it? </p><p>Maybe if he had tried harder to understand his teammates? Maybe if he had taken his grandfather's health more seriously? Maybe just maybe his next life would be kinder, but then again he didn’t know if he had done enough to deserve it. </p><p>Kageyama laid back down flat on his back in defeat, his exhaustion settling on his chest oppressively. </p><p>He stared up at the ceiling with despair, moving his pillow around to make himself more comfortable.</p><p> Something crinkled under his pillow. He palmed underneath his pillow until he came up with the long forgotten card that Yamaguchi had given him just earlier that day. </p><p>The other boy’s visit seemed to have been light years ago. He huffed a sigh blowing his bangs away from his eyes with frustration. He squinted up at the scribbled writing as his arms held it out above his head. </p><p>Nothing could have prepared him for what was inside. He had expected generic “get well soon” notes, perhaps a personalized message or two, instead it was one lengthy note. He gasped as his eyes quickly skimmed the lines jumping quickly from paragraph to paragraph, finally landing on signature at the bottom. </p><p>The note read the following:</p><p>Yooo Tobio Chan,<br/>
So here’s the deal: I am done watching tangerine mope around the unit. All the negative energy brings me down and I don’t need more stress wrinkles from this place. I obviously know that you are to dumb to know how to fix this so here I am taking the time out of my day. You are lucky that chibi chan’s head over heels for you (don’t really get the hype but whatever), he will most likely forgive you for whatever stupid shit you said to him. But he won’t come to you because he is still hurt and has his own pride. SO you need to go to him.  I troubled myself with finding out his schedule for his last day before he leaves, -So. Much. Hard. Work-<br/>
He has a final doctors appointment after tomorrow two rooms down and to the left of your room at four o’clock. This is your chance, you have to figure out how to get there, don’t fuck this up, ok?</p><p>---Your savior </p><p>P.s your welcome</p><p> </p><p> Kageyama continued to look at the paper in disbelief as he re-read it, hardly daring to believe his eyes. He knew that Oikawa wouldn’t be cruel enough to set him up, and clearly Yamaguchi had been in on it. Yamaguchi had purposefully told him that Hinata was leaving in three days. They were being careful with what they said in person because the nurses were always around.<br/>
He found himself laughing, a slightly desperate sound that was rough with disuse, it sounded more unhinged than it was sane. </p><p>He had been trying and failing and despairing for hours and it had only just occurred to him that perhaps he didn’t have to try alone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Also the next chapter might not be the last chapter but the story is wrapping up, I can't be sure if I will finish it in the next chapter or not!</p><p>Another side note the name of this fic was inspired by the song broken by lovelytheband</p>
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<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Not Yet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Helloooo!<br/>This is the last chapter!!! I can't believe it!!<br/>I am actually really sad that this is ending, each comment gave me such immense joy and I loved interacting with you all.<br/>Please don't hesitate to befriend me on Tiktok my username is: blobofanime, and thank you guys for your validation and emotional support it has gotten me through so much these past months.<br/>I am working on another fic that I am really excited about, it will be pretty angsty, because its what I do best :P<br/>As always I hope you all take care of yourselves &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Time seemed to ebb slowly and rush by all at once as Kageyama waited. He was well versed in the art of submerging himself into nothingness, letting the world flow past him and his unchanging hospital room. He witnessed the happenings of the outside world in sporadic bursts of sound and color. He could hear the occasional beep of a monitor, the rushed footsteps of a nurse, the consoling voice of a doctor and the gentle step of a janitor dancing by with a mop. The world kept on moving, patients were admitted, discharged, families cried in the hallway, the stench of hope and death intermingled with antiseptic in the hallways and yet here he was static, stuck in place waiting.</p><p>He was stuck in the waiting place, where people were always waiting for things that may or may not happen as the world passed them by. Kageyama often found himself making his way back to the waiting place. Despite ominous nature, Kageyama found himself enveloped in a sense of safety and the comforting presence of a stagnant nothingness. In the waiting place one did not have to move forward or move back, one stood still and waited for the uncertainty of life to pass.</p><p>Today he had to push against the cloud of stagnation and move himself to action. Today was the day he had to brave the corridors and confront Hinata. He could do this. If his brave words translated into nothing more than hesitant steps and a frail shaking body no one was the wiser. He made his way to the door clutching his unhooked IV bag in his hand as he went. He had considered ripping it out of his arm but apparently that was only something that was easily done in movies.</p><p>He furtively peered into the hallway, sighing in relief when he saw the empty white halls. He made deliberate and quiet steps moving as slowly as he could down the hall. After asking the nurses to let him take short walks up and down the hall, he had surveyed the hallway for the last two days. They usually had a nurse on duty at the desk that resided at the end of the hallway. But Kageyama knew that the nurses tended to congregate near the staff room when they had a moment to breathe and replenish their coffee. The staff room was luckily at the opposite end of the hallway, close to the guarded exit.</p><p><br/>
His heart seemed to beat infinitely louder in his ears, as his eyes focused on the door slightly further down that seemed to have his fate sealed behind it. He had decided he would wait inside the room for Hinata and just confront him upon his entry. He managed to shuffle down the hall, his goal just within reach, when the door of the office opened and the doctor stepped out. Kageyama jolted in place, his heart racing with fear, his mouth going dry, as he clutched his I.V bag so tightly he was afraid it would explode.</p><p>He was an idiot, an absolute dumbass, how had he forgotten that the doctor might actually be in his office when he entered? He stood frozen, somewhat near the door waiting for the doctor to question his presence, but the doctor was too preoccupied with the folder in his hand and briskly walked down the hall without giving Kageyama a second glance. Kageyama finally let out the breath that he was holding and let himself curse and his stupidity and thank his luck that the doctor was gone. He willed himself to remain calm in case he encountered anyone else, as he slowly opened the door, peeking inside the office and sliding in to confirm its emptiness.</p><p>As Kageyama awkwardly sat on one of the patients waiting office chairs, he couldn’t help but laugh at how he convinced himself that the doctor would care enough to give him a second glance. As if the doctor would bother to notice the shaking hands of a stranger, when his teammates never noticed the small panic attacks that racked his body in the locker room or the empty look in his eyes the months before he tried to kill himself.</p><p>He shouldn’t be surprised nobody noticed his distress even if he wanted them too. Some days he wanted someone to really look and see him, to read into every fidget, look deeper into every frown, and notice...just notice how fucking misrable he was. As if he would be seen as anything more than just another depressed teenager who was too angry at the world to function.</p><p><br/>
Maybe they did notice but just didn’t care enough? And why would they? Did he think he was the main character or something?</p><p><br/>
He placated himself with the reminder that even if people did reach out they would very likely do more harm than good. Nothing they could say was helpful. Kageyama had learned this lesson like most things in his life; the hard way. His school occasionally had the counsellor give a talk about the importance of mental health. They had some students talk about how they had struggled with mental health, the students went and talked about overcoming sadness and grief, etc. and how helpful the school and their support systems had been. Everyone clapped and commended their bravery, but Kageyama always felt nauseous. He remembered squeezing his hands into fists so tight they left bleeding indentations in his palm.</p><p><br/>
He had been hit with the realization that people were only allowed to talk about their depression when it was something manageable, curable. Something that came within fixed timeframes and tied to specific events. Something digestible enough for the masses that it wouldn’t leave them nauseous. It had to bite size to be palpable. The people who spoke always had some grand narrative of recovery and how much they had accomplished despite struggling.</p><p>He had learned at a young age the difference between his depression and what he liked to call depression™. His depression had no rhyme or reason, he wasn’t sure who he was without it, or where he began and his depression ended. His depression was constant and chronic, and he knew that it would be a lifelong struggle not something easily overcome. Depression ™ was the only depression people were willing to acknowledge, because the other debilitating, hopeless form of depression was not one people ever wanted to acknowledge. He wasn’t one to invalidate others' struggles, good for people who were able to overcome and/or always be productive.</p><p><br/>
But where were his people? The people who felt like losers, those who had failed to be productive, those that didn’t know how to be happy, those who faked joy out of fear of bringing everyone down with them, those who wanted to kill themselves without having some profound reason. No one would let him or people like him up on stage to share. He wanted his people to know they weren’t alone. He wanted to tell them that he had failed in every sense of the word from his school work, to his volleyball aspirations, to having destroyed every relationship he had in his life. He wanted to ask the audience if he was worthy of their sympathy, if there was nothing redeemable about him. If he told them he was a shitty, angry and rude person, that he didn't have any achievements or anything to provide to compensate to society. If he told them that the only real friend he had ever had was his dead grandfather.</p><p>He wanted to tell them that he went to counselling, and therapy and took his meds, and made a stupid recovery plan and was still so fucking depressed and suicidal. He wanted to glare out into the crowd and ask them what they had to say now. Would they cheer and clap for him and call him brave like they had the others? The best he would receive would be pity; the worst would be mockery. He didn’t have a shield of achievements to hold up to validate his existence and protect him from the graze of all the judgemental gazes.</p><p>Everyone wanted his after story, the summary, the spark notes version that gave you the happy ending. They didn’t want to be there for the whole ride and Kageyama’s depression was one ride that wouldn’t end. The passengers had long lost the sense of excitement, the sense of novelty and fear that came with the highs and lows. They just wanted to get off and try another ride. One that was more manageable but still provided a slight thrill. He had finally found someone who wanted to endure the ups and the downs with him, and laugh along the way.</p><p> </p><p>His thoughts were abruptly silenced by the sound of a gentle knock on the door.</p><p>His heart was in his throat, his mouth seemed unable to formulate words. The knocker hesitated slightly before knocking once more. Kageyama gripped the arm of his chair and commanded himself to speak.</p><p>“Come in.” He gruffly called out, belatedly realizing how sweaty his hands were.</p><p>The door opened and an unsuspecting Hinata stepped in, his expression neutral.</p><p>Kageyama could see the exact moment Hinata saw him, his brown eyes widened almost comically, staring at him with unbelieving shock, his eyes fluttering open and closed in his disbelief.</p><p>“Ka--gayama?????” He squeaked out in a high pitch voice, before gathering himself and clearing his throat, “What are you doing here?” His gaze silently judgemental as it lingered on the I.V. bag lying in his lap.</p><p>Kageyama gave him a look, “sit down and I will tell you,” he said as he ushered to the other two chairs. He observed the boy more closely as he plopped down with a loud sigh and crossed arms. He had bags so big under his eyes, they should be paying rent. He looked sadder than he should, especially considering he was being discharged.</p><p>Hinata gave him a pointedly expectant look. Shit Kageyama didn’t have time for this, the doctor could show up any minute.</p><p>“I’m scared”, he found himself blurting out without preamble, “I’m terrified and overwhelmed of the idea of being abandoned, of fucking up and ruining everything. So I push away the good things, focus on the bad, and destroy my relationships by being hurtful.”</p><p>His hands shook as he spoke, not daring to look up at Hinata quite yet. “I’m a flawed human being and after our last talk I’ve realized that so are you. From one flawed human being to another, I want to be flawed with you. You made me realize that I don’t have to love myself to feel or want love.”</p><p>His words were a jumbled mess that he was vomiting at the redhead, but he was on a roll so he wasn’t going to stop now. “I could relapse, so could you, and that’s just the reality that we can’t sugar coat even if we have each other. I know that I can’t promise that I’ll be hopeful, or happy, or love myself and I don’t expect any promises from you either. I’ve been thinking a lot and while I don’t know how things will go, I feel like I have a fighting chance more than ever because of my time with you and the others in the unit.”</p><p>He huffed out another breath to ground himself. “I am going to live not for you, but for the chance to fight for something better....even though I’m still terrified of what might happen if I fail”, he’s voice faltering at the end.</p><p>“I know I’m being selfish, by coming after you despite everything. But for once I am letting myself be selfishly hopeful that you will forgive me, that you will still want me in your life.”</p><p>He finally looked up to meet Hinata’s gaze, afraid of what he might see. Hinata’s eyes were filled with tears, his lips trembled in his effort to contain them. Kageyama lifted his arm to reach out before thinking better and letting it back down gently.</p><p>Hinata remained silent barring the few heavy breaths that shook his body.</p><p>“I am sorry...I am really sorry”, he whispered to the I.V bag that lay in his lap. He told himself that he would accept his failure and Hinata’s response and live with himself. But that was easier said than done when his heart was breaking into a million tiny pieces. He felt like he suddenly understood every single song about heartbreak.</p><p>He knew he was running out of time, the Doctor would arrive any second now. He had to say goodbye. His heart ached from the crushing weight of his love for Hinata and the disappointment in himself.</p><p>He looked up holding steady contact with Hinata’s watery gaze, “Thank you.” His voice was firm; he had to keep it together for a few more minutes. “Thank you for being my first friend, my first love”. He paused for a moment, “The first person to make me feel truly loved.”</p><p>The tears streamed down Hinata’s freckled face and he shook his head at Kageyama, still unresponsive.</p><p>“I should get going before I get you in trouble...Take care...Shoyo.” He let the name he had long wanted to use slip out. </p><p>He stood up awkwardly and shifted towards the door, unable to withstand anymore of this emotional torture. He focused all his energy on looking forward, knowing that a single glance back would have him on his knees begging Hinata. He could do this, one foot in front of the other.</p><p>An abrupt snort stopped him, quickly followed by a hand grasping his own. He held his breath not daring to hope. He turned and found the shorter boy, still crying but simultaneously laughing with a runny nose, looking absolutely ridiculous and simultaneously adorable.</p><p>“Bakayama….” He said with a half laugh, half cry, wiping his eyes and nose on the sleeve of his jacket, “you are such a cheesy dumbass.”</p><p>Then before he could process what was being said, Hinata was on his tippy toes kissing him. This kiss was unlike their first time. That kiss had been a sweet mix of awkwardness and arousal. This kiss was messy, snotty, and desperate; it was full of Hinata’s loud emotions translated into touch, had the bittersweet taste of his lingering sadness, present joy and everything in between. Hinata was giving him a response to his apology.</p><p>It took Kageyama a few seconds to overcome his shock and melt into the kiss, and envelop Hinata fully in his arms, as he tried to savor the kiss and return all the love.</p><p>And then because Kageyama’s life was an unfair shitshow, the Doctor chose that moment to confidently stride into his office.</p><p>The look of confusion on his face morphed into one of absolute horror as he noticed their interlocked lips.</p><p>Hinata broke away quickly backing away in embarrassment, while Kageyama stood still, hands still hanging in the air where Hinata had been seconds before.</p><p>Before the doctor could say anything, Kageyama’s body came alive and he jerked towards the door, as if to leave. In his rush he had forgotten that he was holding his I.V bag, and before he could catch it, it sprawled out of his hands and bounced onto the floor.</p><p>The three of them stood staring as the bag slid dramatically across the floor until finally coming to a stop against the doctor’s shoes.</p><p>The silence was harshly broken by Hinata erupting into uproarious laughter. All consuming bright ringing laughter. Kageyama thought that it easily might be his favorite sound. The tears in Hinata’s eyes returned, but this time they were tears produced from joy.</p><p>Kageyama found his mouth helplessly stretching into a long unused smile. He laughed silently at the situation, but more so at the joy emanating from Hinata as he clutched his side struggling to breathe. Hinata repeatedly tried and failed to collect himself. </p><p>The doctor snapped out of his confusion and shock and pointedly looked at Kageyama, clearly asking him to leave. Kageyama gulped at his stern gaze, but that didn’t stop him from turning to Hinata quickly, his eyes full of questions.</p><p>Hinata quickly turned to face him as well, his laughter dying down into something more urgent.</p><p>“Kageyama… I am going to visit you wherever you go. I will find out where and I will come, I promise...if you are willing to make this work so am I. Is that ok with you?” His gaze was full of intensity and determination, Kageyama couldn’t help but look at him with an equally intense look, even as the doctor grabbed him by the elbow and started to lead him out.</p><p>“I can live with that.” He said with a lingering smile as he continued to be dragged toward the door.</p><p>He couldn’t help but look back at Hinata one last time. </p><p>Dark swirling blue met a hearty earthy brown, just as they had in group therapy all those weeks ago.</p><p>And Kageyama knew he wasn’t ready to give up on his story just yet.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The endddd :'(<br/>Keep a look out for my next fanfiction, I am posting it soon! &lt;3</p><p>I know it’s not as a clean cut ending but I had a hard time trying to end it without it being overly happy or overly sad. It’s like I don’t want him to have a happy ending because life isn’t like that but I wanted to end on a positive note. But I’m sorry if it feels incomplete I was thinking about adding an epilogue later when I feel like I’m in the right emotional space.</p>
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